The Art of Moving On ♡ Yoongi ff

Small steps

"Slow down dude" 

I ignored whoever was talking and took another gulp finishing off the fourth bottle

"You were in the hospital today, do you really think its smart to get drunk right now?"

"Do you really think that's any of your business?" I asked as I turned my head to face the girl from earlier. Her sundress was now a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie with her long hair up on the top of her head 

"Considering I'm the one that picked you up off the floor and called nine one one..yeah, I feel like it might be" 
She sat down next to me and dangled her legs over the edge like me. I stared at her as she took one of my bottles and opened it taking a big swig of the liquid 

"Go on, help yourself. Why not?" I mumbled as I grabbed another bottle and opened it

"Thanks" she smiled "I planned on it" 
I rolled my eyes and stared down at the water "you're awfully broken, especially for someone so young" 

"You're awfully nosey" 

"I get that a lot" she sipped her bottle, I did the same "care to tell me why?"

"No" I shook my head
I was confused as to why I was even talking to her to begin with. The alcohol? The torment? The fact that she's already seen me unconscious and vulnerable? The fact that I know she won't go away until I appease her demands? 

Whatever the fuck it was, it was irritating. 

"Mister Min, with all due respect, if you don't talk it out, you won't feel better" 

"With all due respect, random person, it's none of your business" 

"Sorry, Amelia Jones" she extended her hand for me to shake "I'm in your class"

"Oh great, nothing like a little kid telling me how to deal with my issues" 

She laughed and sipped her soju 
"We're the same age" 

"Do you even know how old I am?"

"Twenty eight, same as me. I know I'm only a first year but that's because I never thought I wanted to go to school" 

"Fascinating" I mumbled and finished off my bottle and opened another one 

"Come on grumpy pants, don't just sit here and sulk. Talk, or dance or something" 

"I don't dance" 

"Come on Yoongi, it's easy" she giggled as she grabbed my hands and spun me around 

I shook my head and groaned as I put my hand on my forehead 
"I'm sure you do" she smiled 
"I don't"
"Not even once?"
"Can we just not" I shook my head 
My heart was aching 

"Okay" she mumbled as she opened up another bottle and sipped it "let me guess...girlfriend cheated on you?"
"No" I shook my head 
"Boyfriend?"
"No"
"Hmm.. dog died?"
"Not my dog. My wife" 

I dropped that bomb and sipped on my alcohol like it was water as I avoided her gaze and stared up at the sky again. 

Maybe she is up there. 
Maybe she can see me after all. 

"I'm sorry" she mumbled 
I shrugged and continued drinking 
"When?"
"Three years ago, yesterday" 
"How?"
"Cancer" 
"You guys married young"
"We did. We got together at fifteen, married at nineteen, buried by twenty five" 

I chugged half the bottle that was in my hands 

"What was her name?"
"Emily" 
My chest felt like it caved in. 
I haven't said her name out loud in three years. 
The last time I spoke her name out loud was the day of the funeral. Since then it just plays on in my head like a sick and twisted lullaby. 

"Emily, that's a pretty name"
"Just like her" I smiled 
"What did she look like?"
I pulled out my phone and showed her my homescreen. 

Emily and I, in the hospital when she rang the bell signifying she was cancer free. 
Her piercing blue eyes filled with love, hope, and unshed tears, her hair had just started growing back, her black short hair barely visible, her arms wrapped around me as I smiled wide with bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks as we cheered together. 

We always said our wedding day was the happiest day of our lives. 

But that day, was the happiest I remember ever feeling. 

"Aw she is beautiful" she smiled wide as she handed me back my phone, I took one more glance at the picture before tucking my phone back into my pocket. 
"Thanks" 

"Well now it all makes sense. The sad piano, the starving, and the lonely drinking at the bridge.. I get it" she nodded and sipped her soju "my fiance died too. Nowhere near the same as your story, but I really did think we would make it"
"I'm sorry" 

"It isn't your fault. Car accidents happen all the time, you just don't survive all the time you know? It was tragic, I never got to say goodbye..and it's taking me a long time to get over it. But talking to people really helped. Continues to help I should add" 

"How can you talk about it?"

"The same way you just did" she smiled 

"I did..didn't I.." 
The first time in three years. 
I opened up about my wife. 
And to a total stranger at that. 

"It's been almost three years for me, so I do get it" she nodded 
I looked up at the sky again 
"Do you think they're up there?" She asked as she looked up 

"I have no idea. I never really believed in it..Emily told me to look for her up there and she'd keep an eye on me down here. This was our spot..sometimes I wonder if she's up there watching me right now. And other times it feels useless" 

"I don't think it's useless" she shook her head "I'm not much of a believer my own self..but the thought of him looking out for me while I finally get my life together and do what I want to do and be happy brings me peace" 

"You're happy?"

"I am" she nodded "doesn't mean it isn't hard, or I don't have bad days. But, I'm happy" 

"I promised her I would be happy" I nibbled my bottom lip "that I'd move on, that I'd be a good person, that I'd find happiness in life after her. I feel like a liar" 

"You are" she giggled making me chuckle and nod my head 
"Yeah, I am" 
"You don't have to continue being a liar though. You can work on it. Little steps you know?" 

"Little steps" I mumbled as I closed my eyes "what would you consider a little step?"

"Well, you talked to me about her. Talk more about her, the good, the bad, everything. Do you follow the same routine day in and day out? Because you feel like it keeps her memory alive even though it's torure?"

"I do" 

"Switch up your routine. Even something tiny, a different mug, a different spot on the couch..little things. You'll realize that those aren't the things that keep her in your mind and heart" 

I nodded at her words and turned my head to face her 
"Thank you Amelia" 
"Of course mister Min"
"You can call me Yoongi" 
"Deal then Yoongi" 
"Well, now that I'm drunk out of my mind I should head home" 
"Same here. You're not driving right?"
"No" I shook my head "I only live a few doors down" 
"Good. I'll see you in school tomorrow?"
"I'm off the next three days" 
"I'll see you in three days then" 

We shook hands and then stood up and went our separate ways. 

Two in the morning, I opened the door and threw my keys on the floor instead of hanging them up, kicked my shoes off recklessly, and put the empty bottles of soju into the recyclables before going up to our room, stripping down to my underwear and flopped onto the bed 

"Good night Emily. I love you, I miss you, and I'm finally going to try. I hope you're happy" 

I grabbed her pillow and held onto it tightly. 

All of the times in the last three years that I've washed the sheets, I've never once washed her pillow case for either of her pillows trying to keep her scent on them. It was faded now..but still there if I breathed in enough.