The Art of Moving On ♡ Yoongi ff

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"Everything for me?" She asked with a laugh "is that why you ignored my cries to end it? Is that why you forced me to keep going?"
"No, that was selfish of me and I apologized, you forgave me, you said you would do the same...Amelia wake up please" I shook her again 
"I did..didn't I?" She nodded "then why am I here now? Why haven't you forgiven yourself?" 

"Yoongi, wake up" I gasped as Amelia shook me and my eyes opened wide adjusting to the sunlight in the room and staring into my girlfriends green eyes

"Oh thank god" I wrapped my arms around her naked form and held her close as my heart raced unbelievably fast 

"What's wrong my love? You look scared and your heart feels like it's going a mile a second" 

I closed my eyes and squeezed her even tighter as I kissed her forehead and the top of her head over and over again
"Just a bad dream..that's all" 

"I'm sorry love" 

"It isn't your fault" I shook my head 

"I have to get ready for school, are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah" I sighed out as I released her from my hold "yeah.. I'll be okay" I gave her a smile and she leaned in pecking my lips, we had enough time to drink a cup of coffee together before she had to rush home and change 

"I love you, have a good day at school" I told her as I kissed her lips

"I love you too, I'll see you after" she smiled wide "have a good day" 

I watched her walk to her house and then I shut the door and flopped onto my couch, resting my head back and letting out a sigh, I should be at work already. 

Now what do I do? 

"I'm sorry to show up unannounced" I mumbled as I sat down 

"That's okay, you're only three years late" he chuckled, he hit the button on his intercom "please cancel my next two appointments" 

"Of course mister Kim" 

"So Yoongi..what brings you in today?"

"Hyung.." 

I told Jin everything. I poured my heart and soul out to him, he didn't even flinch. 

When Emily died he told me to go to therapy, told me he would see me free of charge whenever I needed him and not once did I ever take him up on his offer until now. 

And man, did I have an awful lot to say. 

Laughing
Crying
Anger

Everything came out of my mouth uncontrollably, once I started I couldn't stop. All the way up to the dream I had, I told him the words Emily said to me while Amelia laid there dead in my arms the same way I had found Emily the morning after she had passed while we were sleeping. 

He nodded and tried to write as much down as he could, I was talking so fast I'm surprised he managed to keep up with me. 

"And now.. here I am. I didn't know where else to go..I'm fucking horrified"

"You need an anti anxiety pill that's for fucking sure" he shook his head

"Yoongs.. we were all there. We watched everything unfold, we watched everything you went through, not once leaning on anyone. You didn't start leaning on us until recently and we're all thankful for that. If the roles were reversed, and I did all of those things, you would tell me to forgive myself. That it isn't my fault. And you'd be right" he nodded 

"What happened, wasn't your fault. Even when you begged her to keep going, she forgave you for that and it sounds like you still need to forgive yourself and that's what she was trying to tell you. Subconsciously you know that to be true or you wouldn't have dreamt of her telling you that" 

"You loving Amelia, and opening yourself up to be loved in return is a beautiful thing, and it scares the fuck out of you. You feel responsible for Emily and your fear is that something similar will happen to Amelia. And let me be real with you because I won't sugar coat shit. It just might. She could get sick, hell for all we know she already has cancer and she's undiagnosed. But you know what else? That wouldn't be your fault. Emily didn't get sick and die because you loved her. But she sure as hell lived as long as she did, fought as hard as she could, and enjoyed her life because you loved her" 

"All you can do, for the people around you, is love them, and let them love you. There's no consequence for love" he shook his head "so stop feeling that way and let her love you, and shower her with all of the love you have for her" 

I was sobbing by the time he ended his speech. 

He hit every nail on the head and I felt so fucking vulnerable it was scary. He literally ripped open my chest and read my heart through and through. 

"I'm going to prescribe you two medications, xanax for anxiety, and prazosin to help you sleep. It's typically prescribed for people with PTSD who suffer from night terrors and flashbacks, I don't think you necessarily have PTSD but I think it'll help you sleep without reliving your memories or dreaming up new ones like last night" 

"Thank you hyung" 

"Of course Yoongs. I love you, I want you to be happy and enjoy your life to the fullest moving forward. My door is always open, and even if you don't want to come here, you know you're always welcome at my house and my phone is always on" 

"I love you too" I smiled, we stood and hugged each other before I left his office and headed home. I literally spent four hours in his office, and it had me so mentally and emotionally drained that it felt like days had gone by.

I decided to take a nap before Amelia got done school, I figured I would pick up my medicine from the pharmacy before dinner. 

I woke up from my nap to her crawling into bed with me
"Hey baby" I mumbled as I rolled over and pulled her in close

"Hey" she smiled "I made dinner. I came in after school and saw you were asleep, I figured I'd leave you be for a while so I cooked for us"

"How are you so perfect?" I cheesed making her blush as she rubbed her face into my chest, I kissed the top of her head and held her close just relishing in her warmth, and the comfort of having her by my side.

"God it smells so good in here, what did you cook?" I asked as I sat down at the kitchen table

"Chicken soup" she smiled

"Ooooooh okay, damn, trying to show me how it's done I see?" I laughed making her giggle as she sat a bowl down in front of me with a piece of warm bakery bread with butter

"I would never do such a thing" she giggled as she shook her head and sat down

"Mhmm 'oh Yoongi look at me, I can out rap you and make soup that isn't poisonous' I get it, just take everything from me" I said over dramatically making her snort as she laughed and covered her face "you're so cute" I cheesed

"Stooooooop" she blushed and put her head on the table making me laugh

"Wow.. I gotta admit..this is some damn good soup" I smiled

"Not as good as yours of course" she smiled making me laugh

"Yeah..totally not as good as mine" I smiled as I watched her giggle and try to eat, I realized I could stare at her all day every day, and it still wouldn't be enough.

And you know what else?

I wasn't afraid.