To Love a Knight

Apologies

I laid in bed with my head on Vicrul's chest shocked at his words. I didn't know what to say. He hadn't said he loved me only that Ren thought he loved me. What the hell was I supposed to do with that? I stayed on Vicrul's chest for a few more minutes before I pulled away without a word and tucked myself under my covers. We hadn't known each other that long, only a little over a month and in my opinion that was way too early for the L word. I hadn't even thought about it. I was terrified.

I really liked Vicrul. He was an amazing man, but love? I mean sure he could give me a mind blowing orgasm with just his tongue which was just insane to me. But honestly I didn't know if there was a future in this relationship. I had never thought that far ahead. What would a future with Vicrul look like? Marriage? Babies? I couldn't see any of that with him.

He was a Knight of Ren and a dangerous man. I knew I had a metaphorical target on my back now that I was associated with the Knights, Ap'lek had made that very clear. Could I or anyone else bring a child into this world knowing it would be hunted to get to their father? Kidnapped and used as a bargaining chip against the First Order? Would Ren even negotiate for his Knights' children if that ever happened. I doubt it, Ren didn't seem like the negotiating type. It didn't matter though, any of it. I didn't want kids, I had never wanted them, so I guess my worries were a moot point. Marriage? I had never really thought about it. Sure I'd love to have someone to come home to every night and cook dinner for or have them cook for me. A partner in crime that took your good days with your bad. Someone to hold me when I was sad but also bail me out of jail when I eventually ended up there for beating up some drunk guy in a bar. But to be in love with a Knight of Ren seemed too far fetched.

Like Vicrul said, he had more money than god, he could have any woman he wanted with that dumb beautiful face of his. So why in the fuck would he want me? Of all the beautiful women that threw themselves at him why in the fuck was he here with me. Because I was easy? Because I gave in the first night I met him when he cornered me in the stockroom? Was it because the other Knights never got anywhere with me and he used me as an ego boost. Something his brothers could not attain so made sure he could? His oldest and best friend was Ren. How did I know if Vicrul wasn't just like him. Looking to use me up until he was bored with me. Break me down and leave me begging for him.

The more I thought about how much I didn't really know Vicrul the tighter my chest felt. I laid back on the pillows while my mind raced and just stared at the water spot on the ceiling. I could feel Vicrul's gaze on me as he continued to lay across the bottom of the bed. He couldn't look at me all evening and now he stared up at me like a lost puppy. I had no idea what he expected me to say to him after telling me his boss thought he loved me. I rolled over on my side putting my back towards him and faced the edge of the bed.

"Kara?" Vicrul finally sat up.

"Hmmm."

"Do you still want me to leave?" He asked. I could hear a sadness in his voice.

I didn't know what to say because I didn't know what I wanted. A part of me wanted him to stay and a part of me wanted to be alone. I was all cried out but I knew once I closed my eyes the nightmares would come. Maybe him being there would be helpful or maybe it would make it worse. I checked the time on my phone. It was almost 3am, I sighed and caved. "It's late just stay here."

Vicrul walked to the bathroom and closed the door. I heard the water run from the faucet for a bit before he emerged drying his face and hair with a towel. His shirt was gone and he was only in his black jeans and boots. It was hard to not look at his bare chest as water droplets fell from his hair and rolled down his toned body. Why did he have to be such a handsome fucking man. It was like my brain and heart were shut down and my vagina was trying to take control of my body. I pulled the pillow over my head and rolled onto my stomach with a grunt. Vicrul laughed behind me as he crawled into the bed.