Daggers in our Heart

Twenty-Second

Twenty-Second

"So.. you are not decided yet?" Gun nosily asked me, both of us whispering inside my room, afraid that the boys might hear us from the other room.

"I am not yet ready, I don't have a courage. Do it looks like it's an easy thing to do?" I whispered back to him, slightly exclaiming but trying to keep my voice down. He stressfully wiped his forehead.

"When will you have the courage then? Next decade? It's better to say it as soon as possible so the damages won't be worsen!!" He asked impatiently using his sarcastic tone.

Oh, what now Gun? I thought you suggested the other day to just make myself ready? Why are you hurrying me now? He's really messy sometimes.

"I don't know, okay!! I just wanna make sure I'm not going to ruin any coming celebration. What if he gets mad and ignore me for days? It will ruin our planned vacation for sure!!" I asked Gun.

I don't want to ruin our celebration plans. I'm going to confess my sins but atleast.. can we have the celebration finished first? Christmas and New Year is coming, we should just chill around for now.

"He loves you, you already know that" it's the only answer I've heard from Gun. It's not that connected to my question but I already know what he really means.

That made me thinking..

Is that how loving someone works? You forgive someone who did you wrong easily because you love him? If that's love then.. isn't it too tiring to love?

And what if he gets tired of me? He's been pouring a lot of his love on me since the very beginning without hesitation that I'm afraid he'll be on his limits. Pain can do something impossible to everyone.

"Can't you see how strong his love for you is? If you're still doubting, you're blind" Gun added as if he's convincing me.

"I know that. I'm just afraid to ruin his trust which I know will surely happen. Can't you process it? It's not just a simple sin that can be easily forgiven. For me, if something do things like that on me, I'll burst in anger. I'll eventually leave him, for real" I answered.

He'll surely be hurt. I might end up losing his trust. If it stays, I'm sure it will never be the same again. Not as how much as he trusted me now to take good care of him.

"Now we're stressed again" I complained as I lay flat on my bed. Gun did the same too with full force and now, we're both just staring at the ceiling. I did something wrong and now, I am afraid to confess it. What a fool!! I'm such a coward!!

"Why don't you try saying it indirectly? Like, try knowing what would be his possible reaction?" He asked that made me turn my head to him.

"How?" I'm dumbfounded.

"Oh Nine!! Just ask him something like.. Joong what if blah blah? How can you not know how to do that?" He sarcastically asked.

"Dumb!! That would be too suspicious. You know how nosy your friend is" I commented on him.

"But atleast you'll be ready for his possible reaction. Positive or negative, atleast you got a hint" he shrugged.

Why did he even bring that topic up when we're about to sleep? I've been trying to get rid of that thing in my mind.

"What about you? If someone do that to you, then confessed and said that they changed half-ways, will you easily believe it? If you we're in Joong's shoes, what will you do?" I asked and he immediately shook his head.