grofflin

it's quiet uptown pt 2

Lin's pov

I wake up in my bed, reaching my hand out to search for Vanessas warmth. Then it hits me again, Vanessa is gone. Not out for food gone or out with friends gone, not even we're in a fight I need a break kind of gone. Gone Gone. For forever. I start crying again. How am I going to tell Sebbie that his mom is gone? How am I going to get through everything without my Nessa? After about an hour I fall asleep again. I keep slipping in and out of dreams and nightmares all day, with the occasional exception of Jonathan coming in to bring me food and a few bathroom breaks. The next few days I spent the same way, too tired and sad to get out of bed.

After a few days Jonathan comes in and drags me out of my room. "I need to show you something" he says, he sounds a little nervous, but I don't really care, about anything anymore, I just need my Nessa back. When we step into the living room there are a few people there. Renee, Jazzy and Pippa are sitting there. Their looks change from kind of relaxed to pity and compassion when they see me step into the room. "We're so sorry for your loss" says Pippa, with a single tear rolling down her face. "We made this for you and Sebbie, to remember her" says Renee. She turns on something on the tv and Vanessas face appears on screen, holding little Sebbie. I step into the screen and give her a kiss and take Sebbie from her. This is too much, a jab of pain goes through my heart and I start completely sobbing out of control. I quickly walk through to the bathroom and lock myself in there.

* warning self-harm, please don't read if it's a trigger for you. don't do self-harm pls guys. I'll post another one of these, so you know where it ends *

The pain is too much, my heart is aching too much, My Nessa. I need something to distract from the pain. I grab a razor and slowly raise it towards my arm. My hand is shaking like crazy. I start slowly cutting into my arm, the sting of the cut taking everything over, finally I'm not thinking of anything anymore all I can focus on is the pain on my arm. I make another cut, reminding myself this time, to not make it too deep, I don't want to make Sebbie an orphan. I make two more cuts, before cleaning the razor, putting it back in the cabinet. While I'm closing the cabinet door, I catch a glimpse of my reflection. I look absolutely awful, my eyes are bloodshot and swollen from all the crying, my beard has grown quite a bit, and my shirt is full of food stains. I grab a towel, wet it a bit and dab my cut till it's clean. I grab a bath robe to cover up the cuts, sure they might look a bit weird at me for suddenly wearing a bathrobe, but it's better than having to be more of burden to them then I already am.

*end of self-harm, there will be some references to it in the next chapter*

When I step out of the bathroom, everybody has left except for Jonathan. He's currently holding Sebbie and trying to stop his crying by swinging him and softly saying shh shhhhhh. At the sight of Sebbie my hearts stings again, and I push a bit into my wound, the sting falling away again. Giving me a bit of clarity. Jonathan looks at me a bit weird, puts Sebbie into his crib and walks up to me. " Are you okay? Well of course not, but okay enough? I guess?" I watch him stumbling over his word for a few seconds, before stepping closer to him and pulling him into a hug. He finally shuts up and when I step away, he says "what was that for?" " I guess I just needed it and also just to say thank you, for taking care of the mess I am right now and Sebbie, you're truly my best friend" he smiles at me a bit of sadness shining through. I take Sebbie and put him to bed.

I then go to my own bed to fall asleep again. When I wake up my mind is once again all consumed with Vanessa. Jonathan knocks on my door. "Lin, you got to get up, Vanessa's funeral is today". I get up and walk to the door, tears streaming down my face at the mention of her name. "I hung your suit in the bathroom, don't forget to shave" he says steering me towards the bathroom door. I take a shower, sitting down on the bathroom floor. While the warm water, washes away all the dirt and sorrow from the last days of off my body, but my heart and mind are still stained with sorrow. I shave my beard of, except for my traditional goatee. I look at the razor, thinking should I do it? no not today I look at it again, this time pushing it away. I put my suit on and almost want to walk out of the bathroom when my eye catches the razor again, before I can help myself, I take the razor and put it in my jacket. Just in case, I think to myself.

Time jump to funeral

Everybody gives me their condolences', I smile politely, saying thank you, while trying to push my thoughts away from Vanessa. I hang on until Sebbie decides that today is the day for his first word. "Ma ma" I hear from the corner of the room. Did I hear that right? I walk towards the stroller that Sebbie is in and I hear him say it again "ma ma" he says while pointing at a picture of her. I break down crying again. Jonathan tries to grab my hand to comfort me. But I'm already beginning to walk towards the bathroom. "Lin where are you going?" I hear John faintly say, my thoughts taking over drowning all the sounds. I mutter out the words that I need a moment. Someone walks up to me to give me their condolence's, but I keep on walking putting my hand up as a sign that I don't want to talk.

* self-harm again, haha sorry guys a bit of a heavy chapter*

When I'm in the safety of the stall. I get out the razor and start cutting again. Pain once again cleansing my mind of Vanessa for a moment. I cover up the cuts with my jacket and flush the razor.

*end of self-harm*

When I step out of the stall. Jonathan walks up to me and gives me a quick hug. "We need to go outside now to bury her, all right?" I give a small nod. We start walking outside and a grab his hand and pinch it a bit to keep me from crying. I walk up to the grave and go up to the speaking stand, Jonathan pulls me back by my hand. "Are you sure you're feeling up to it, if you want, I can talk, or Vanessas parents?" "No, I have to do this" " all right, but if I see that you need me, I'm coming up there" " okay". As I start walking again, I start thinking of things to say, nothing comes to mind so I'll just have to improvise.

" Hello everyone" I start

" We are gathered her today for my wife Vanessa" my voice breaks a little when I say her name.

" She leaves me and our little son behind"

" The world took her too soon, she was supposed to live a long and happy life, with me and her son, surrounded by love"

" I was supposed to go first, never having to live without my lovely Nessa, instead Life ripped her away from me and Sebastian, destined to live our lives without her, while she is buried seven feet underground. I guess the lyrics I wrote were right death doesn't discriminate between the sinner and the saints, because if it did, you would have lived forever my dear vanessa."

"Without you my life seems colourless and quiet. It's truly quiet uptown, without your beautiful laugh and voice"

" I would give everything, to have you standing here, looking at Sebbie, smiling at our son, I if I could trade your life for mine, I would do it in a heartbeat" with that last sentence I almost break down crying again, I see Jonathan beginning to get up, but I quickly pinch my arm, physical pain once again taking over and my sorrow ebbing away. I start talking again. Jonathan gives me weird look, looking at my arm and then my face. Shit does he know??

"I can't however trade your life with mine no matter how I wish it, and so all I can do hope that you've moved on somewhere better and are at peace. I love you- loved you so much Vanessa" I correct myself.

I walk down and Vanessas moms takes my place to talk, I walk towards Jonathan and put my head on his shoulder, he pulls me close. As I start crying again, the words of Vanessas mom fades to the background as my thoughts are once again consumed with Vanessa.