grofflin

Helpless

Groff's pov

A few days after the last conversation with Lin I officially moved in. We were like Joey and Chandler from friends, how are we like them though? I mean who would be Joey and who would be Chandler. Hmm this is hard I mean, Lin is usually as happy as Joey, but he isn't a "fuckboy" or as dumb as hi- "Hey, you, all right?" Lin asks shaking my thoughts away as he looks me in the eye. "Uhm Yeah, just thinking". He started lifting one of the boxes in, but he suddenly looked a bit anxious. "You aren't regretting this decision right, I mean you could still go back if you want I don't want to pressure you into thi-" I put my hand on his shoulder and give it a supportive squeeze. " Of course not, I was just thinking because were moving in together, we're kinda going to being like Joey and Chandler, with a baby, and without Monica, Rachel and Phoebe". I giggle a bit while Lin looks at me as if I'm crazy. "Who are those people?" "OMG YOU HAVEN'T SEEN FRIENDS!!!" I exclaim. "We're so going to watch it, you're going to love it".

When we've moved all the boxes into my new room. Sebbie starts to cry. We look at each other, communicating through our eyes who should be the one to go. "I'll go" Lin says, with a small sigh. We both love the kid, but man can he cry and poop and cry again and then poop again. I'm on my way to go make some coffee, when I hear Lin talking to Sebbie. " I am so sorry, little one, you're so helpless and I am so sorry,". He just keeps on saying that, until he stops crying. When I've made some coffee for me and Lin, I sit down on the couch. Lin walks in, a few tearstains on his face. "Come, sit down" I say patting on the spot next to me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Lin's pov

"It might help" I nod, and John gives a small hug before I start talking. "I just-" I take deep breath before talking and John gives me a slight pat on the back. "Every time that I see him, I see Vanessa and it just like hurts because it's a constant reminder that she's gone".

"Hmmm, the way that I see it, he isn't a reminder that she's gone, but a reminder that she is still her in some way, a way she can still be with you" He gives me a small smile.

He is never going to know her, what if I forget her, what if I can't tell him what a good person she was, or how she would smile when his nose would scrunch up, how she would tie her shoes with an intricate knot, because she thought that was the best way, how her perfume smelled, I'm scared John" I look him in the eye now tears welling up. "What if I forget her?"

"You won't I promise, I won't let you forget" he pulls me into a hug. I feel myself relax a bit more and when he let's go, I tense up immediately.

One week later

I'm stressed out as hell. I have a Hamilton show and then I make an appearance on Ellen. Sebbie didn't sleep much last night so he is cranky, every little thing that doesn't go his way and he starts crying and screaming. Today I just can't stop thinking about Vanessa, on days like today she was the absolute best. She would always know how to get Sebbie to take a nap and stop his crankiness. She would rub my back and kiss all my stress away, until I felt confident and relaxed, talk to me about what I would talk about on Ellen. I'm sipping on my coffee at the table. When Sebbie breaks into another tantrum, I have a little meltdown. I pick Sebbie up and start rocking him back and forth.

While we are sobbing in the same rhythm, Groff walks in. "Wow, what's going on here, are you guys all right" he asks a slight smile on his lips at the sight of us. "I just- I just- and I have Ellen- and Hamilton and- and-" I hiccup trough the sentences, still crying. His smile immediately disappears "All right give me Sebbie". He takes Sebbie from me and gets him to stop crying in about 2 seconds, before putting him down for a nap. When he comes back, I'm still crying with my head in my hands. "All right, talk to me". He puts his hand on my back and starts rubbing it lightly. "I'm sorry I'm just stressed out, I have to go on Ellen today, and we have Hamilton today and Sebbie-" a sob escapes. " and Sebbie wouldn't stop crying" I resume. " I just can't stop thinking about Vanessa and I just feel the urge to cut so bad today". John looks me in the eye. "Well, you're not going to cut today, that's for sure. I'm going to call Javier to see if he can do the show today and you're going to sit on the couch with me and watch friends for a while, till you feel a bit better".

He throws me over his shoulder and puts me on the couch. He grabs 2 blankets and wraps them around me till I look like a blanket burrito. He then goes to the kitchen and comes back with chocolate ice cream and two spoons. He's just about to sit down and turn on friends, when he suddenly spasms and mutters. "Omg how can I forget". He takes the bag that he came back with. "So, I got you something" he sounds kinda nervous. "I was thinking that- I mean you- you usually deal with things by writing so I had an idea, I got a notebook made for you where you could write about how you feel or things that you don't want to forget about Vanessa". He pulls out a leather book, with the letter V on it embroidered. "If you don't like it or whatever I can take it back". He looks even more nervous, avoiding eye contact. I force him to look in my eyes. "I love it, thank you so much". My eyes start to tear up again." God damnit I just stopped crying" I laugh. "I'm sorry" John starts to laugh a bit too. I take a deep breath and look him in the eye. " seriously though, thank you so so so much" he makes a sound that sounds like arghsodps no problem and pulls me in for a quick hug before he turns on the tv. He starts rubbing my blanket burrito back in comforting circles. All though I do like friends I can't focus on it right now, so I grab a pen from the table to start writing in my new notebook.