grofflin

What are you doing !!!

Groff's pov

Since the funeral Lin seems a lot better, but something doesn't quite feel right. He went from crying and absent mindedness all the time, to suddenly being there again, taking care of Sebbie and of himself. Don't get me wrong I wasn't complaining, but it didn't feel healthy, it was like he suddenly turned off his feelings and every time I thought he was getting close to crying or feeling something, he would grip his arm. I awoke out of my thoughts by Lin walking in.

"Hey" " Hey, how are you doing?" " I'm doing fine I guess, considering the circumstances" Lin said staring into my eyes, but there was nothing there. We looked into each other's eyes quite a while, I was looking for some kind of emotion. After a while I thought he had some tears in his eyes and he started gripping his arm again. "Does your arm hurt?" I ask, curiosity finally winning. "Uhm no, it's just kinda itchy" " all right"

" Do you want to go to work again soon?" " Yeah, maybe tomorrow?" "Yeah sure, I'll call the babysitter". Who pinches their arm when something itches? Something feels a bit off, but it's probably Lin being Lin. " Do you want to watch a movie?" I ask him. "No, I'm going to bed" he said. He looked tired with bags under his eyes. "All right, goodnight" I settle unto the couch once again watching movie until I fall asleep.

Time jump to next day

The whole hamilcast was extra nice to Lin today, everybody is scared to upset him by mentioning Vanessa. They are also happy that he is back again. During It's quiet uptown, Pippa holds his hand extra tight. Lin pinches his arm again during the number, I look at him suspiciously, before brushing it off again. After he gets off the stage, I quickly give him a hug, before he has to go on again. After the show I am hanging out with Renee, Pippa and Jazzy, mainly talking about Lin and how he is doing, but also about the fact that I have a crush on him. " Are you sure that it is healthy for you to be living with him" says Pippa, Renee joins in. " It must be so hard to be there for him, I mean he is mourning his wife and you can't be there for him in the way you want to be" her voice is full of compassion " I don't care, I have to be there for him" " John, you look like you're being torn apart" Yazzy says while putting a hand on my shoulder. I shake the hand off. "You guys are unbelievable, I need to be there, I love him even if I can only be there as a friend" tears blur my vision I storm off.

*self-harm mention warning*

I know that they have a small point, but I just need to get over my crush, and accept my fate as his best friend. I can't leave him alone in his time of need, even if he has been doing better in the past few days. I walk into our changing room, stumbling to the bathroom in a blur of tears. I open the bathroom door to find Lin there with a razor in his hand?? What is he doing? He quickly covers up his arm, my heart is sinking to my shoes " WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE, HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING" he screams at me. " You didn't lock the door, what are you doing!!!" I say, already knowing the answer. "Nothing" he says tucking his sleeve even more down. "Lin, show me your arm" I say, my voice quiet, but also commanding. "no" "Lin, show me" "NO" " LIN SHOW ME YOUR ARM" I am screaming now and I start trying to pull up his sleeve. We fall to the ground, struggling for dominance, after a minute of struggling I win, pulling up his sleeve and seeing the rows of cuts, most of them have scabs on them, but there also a good few that don't even have scabs. My heart once again stings, while Lin just looks scowling ahead of him. My vision once again becomes blurry.

"How long have you been doing this, Lin?" He remains silent. "Lin, why are you doing this, do you want to die" " NO" "WELL THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??" "I JUST... I JUST..." " YOU WHAT? YOUR SON NEEDS YOU ALIVE, I NEED YOU ALIVE" I am fully crying right now. My poor baby, he has been hurting himself all this time, that is why he was acting better, it was all a lie. He wasn't doing better he was just cutting. " I just needed something to distract me from Vanessa, it's too much pain, John it's too much" his voice cracking on my name. Oh god all I want to do is hold him and say that is going to be okay, but I can't do this right now. I've already lost one of my friends to suicide. I can't see Lin go through this.

"THIS ISN'T GOING TO HELP YOU LIN" I am still screaming trying to calm myself." This is the only way, I can handle it John I need it, I am not seriously hurting myself, just enough to keep me from thinking about her" he says in a quiet voice. " Lin this isn't the answer. Sure, for now it is working, but you will only be hurting yourself more and more till you kill yourself. The pain isn't going to go away until you deal with it" I say, tears still streaming down my face. " I can't face it's it's too much, I am all alone and I don't know what to do" tears are streaming down his face now too. "How can you say that? I am here for you, your parents are there for you, the whole cast is here for you. We all love you. All we have done the past weeks is being there for you. All I have done is be there for you, I took care of you, I took care of Sebbie, whatever sorrow you're facing I am here for you" " I don't know if I can do it" he says avoiding looking me in the eye. "Well, I'm leaving, until you promise not to do it again. I have already been through this with a friend and I can't go through it again". I'm still crying but I'm getting up to walk away. "Please don't go" I hear Lin say. I don't look at him " Promise me then" " I can't" Lin says I look at him now " Then I am leaving, call me when you're ready, I'll be there for you. I promise" and with that I walk out. I hear Lin behind me sobbing. I walk straight to the sisters changing room, I see Renee, Pippa and Yazzy look up when I walk in. "What happened" Yazzy asked immediately seeing the tears on my face. I say nothing and just start sobbing.