Phoenix Rising (re-writing)

Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Elliott tries to pull me from bed, insisting I need to go to school. He thinks it will be a good distraction. I may have split his lip. I slightly feel bad, but at the same time why cant everyone just leave me alone? I want to just sleep and dream. I want to dream of before mom died, when we all had cookouts and played yard games. In my dreams Nana still has sparkle in her eyes as she dances with grandpa. Mom laughs as dad flirts. I really want to believe in my fantasies a little while longer. I want the world to stop, just for a minute to grieve the loss of her light. She may have not been the most affectionate, but she could love with no attachments. She had helped me in so many ways with me taking her compassion for granted. I can see now looking back how many times I took her for granted. Why didn't I comfort her when she wept? Sleep finally comes bringing me into a dream of Nix. I fight trying to pull myself out of her head. Zayes smashes my face against the glass of my dream for me to see her. She is crying in the bathroom stall. "See what you caused?" He asks. "You are a terrible dragon. Red was wrong your heart is not like a dragon, you have the heart of man, corrupt and full of hate. You disappoint me Evan. I will merge with you soon, and when I do, I will never let you out of our shared mind. You will live a long time as I torture your mind until you beg for death as your uncle has done. Many have failed Azriel, but none have given up. You disgust me." He leaves my mind and I wake from her dream in an even worse mood. I stumble through the house looking for coffee like a zombie searching for brains. I refuse to look in the Livingroom. I pretend Nana is in there and if I don't look, I can continue to believe it.

Elliott is on the phone talking to someone about flowers. I pretend it has nothing to do with Nana. He has dark circles under is eyes. His shoulders are slumped, and his body is tense. He looks terrible. I never considered his grief, he lost her too. I sit quietly at the table watching Elliott talk with no emotion. "Yeah, that sounds fine. Pall bearers?" He nods. "Yea that's fine," Another pause. "Nana liked pin stripes I think the bearers should all match," he pauses rubbing his neck. "I don't think I can." he looks at me. "There is no way Evan can. Maybe Phoenix would. Nana would have loved that. She has a way with words I think she would, Ill ask her tonight," he says. "Yea Ill talk to you then," he clicks the phone. His eyes study the wooden kitchen table picking away at peeling finish. "I'm going to ask Phoenix to deliver the eulogy for Nana. I know you two are fighting, but Nana really thought she was something special. I think Nana would want her to." I nod agreeing. It is what Nana would have wanted. He tells me we will be wearing pin striped tuxes and I am a pall bearer along with himself, John, Dad, Barry, and Samuel. Samuel is her great nephew he's only 12 but Nana loved him. I have no idea who Barry is and don't ask. I guess there will be lilacs and white rosses as floral arrangements. Lilacs where her favorite. She even made me stop anytime we drove past some just to roll the window down and smell them. One thing I learned from Nana was to always remember to stop and smell the flowers.

I go back to bed. I sleep dreamlessly until early in the morning. My bed dips again. I know before I open my eyes its Nix.

"I was asked to speak at Nanas viewing today. I'm going to do it," she sniffles. "That woman meant a great deal to me. I used to bring her lilacs, I don't know why I stopped. I should have never stopped. Sara is getting worse. She pretends she isn't, but I can see her cringe when she moves. Cancer sucks." She breaths between silent tears. "I know you hate me. I kind of do to. I'm not giving up on you though. I will be here every night to wake you up and talk. You don't have to talk back but you cant stop from listening. I know from experience. Red misses Zayes, she is worried about you." She is fiddling with the pick I gave her hanging around her neck. "Red says something is coming. She won't elaborate but I think she is worried. She prays you and Zayes merge soon." She sniffles. "School was lame. I begged not to go but Tina insisted I did. I cried a lot. I tried not to, but I failed." She takes a deep breath. "We got our results back from Mr. Ross today. Mine came back inconclusive. They are resubmitting mine. Something about it showed I had a 100% unidentifiable lineage. She laughs with no humor. "I guess just one more way that shows I'm messed up, just now I have a paper to prove it. I brought yours, its on your dresser. Mr. Ross sends his condolences as well as Tyler and Marie. Everyone misses you. Not as much as I do." I groan. "Sorry." She looks out the window. "Its a beautiful night. I can smell the rain in the distance. The storm is going to miss us, but I imagine its hammering Plymouth hard, possibly culver. I heard our song on the radio." She lets the statement fall hoping for a reaction from me. The silence is uncomfortable.