The Turquoise Cure (Eren X Reader)

Chapter 42: I Am the Future

    You stood for what felt like an eternity, every thrum of your heartbeat strangling you. The door slamming in your face seemed to echo throughout the building, like a bell that just kept hitting the walls as it swung. "(Y/N)..." You now realized that although Eren had left, the others were still standing exactly as they had been- frozen in the anticipation of the scene before them. "(Y/N)," you heard a soft voice calling to you again. Armin was in front of you with an outstretched hand, staring at you in a concerned way. "I'm sure that he didn't mean it..." he said, his hand wavering still outstretched before you. You felt glued to the spot. What am I supposed to do? 

    Biting the inside of your cheek to keep the tears at bay, you saluted the soldiers in front of you and bowed your head. "I'm deeply sorry for holding up your mission, and- um- I'll see you when you get back." "(Y/N)," Hange said, her glasses magnifying her sympathetic gaze. "No, I'm fine!" you said, spinning on your heel to hurry back to your dorm before you couldn't handle the pressure behind your eyes any longer. "Good luck!" you shouted, and with that, you sprinted down the corridor back to your and Mikasa's dorm. 

    You waited until the tell-tale sound of horse hooves slapping the ground and wagons rustling overtook the atmosphere. That was your sign- your sign that it was safe to cry. Eyes burning, nose running, mouth agape, you crumbled. Biting down on your pillow to stifle the sound as the morning was still early, you wept. Memories crashed over you, each new one triggering an even more profound wave of despair. The sobbing made your back ache as you clutched your knees to your chest, body against the door. You didn't know how much time had passed, but it felt like hours and hours. The tears had long since stopped flowing, but your face felt itchy and blotchy with irritation, and your nose and mouth were wet and chapped. Rubbing your hands into your eyes, you felt the cold, rough skin of your face meet the calloused, bony edges of your hands. Biting your lip, you sucked on it as the blood began to flow from it. All of this- how did all of this happen so quickly? We were perfect; we were fine. Everything was fine. My eyes weren't this- this putrid color- and I could touch him- and...

    The answer hit you like a blast of lightning: Grisha. "GODDAMN YOU, GRISHA!" you screamed, crashing onto your bed, pounding the thin mattress with every ounce of strength you had. You punched and punched until you sat up too straight, smacking your head on Mikasa's bunk. This just agitated you further. "GODDAMN IT!" you screamed again. You knew that you were making too much noice, and you knew that someone would hear, but you didn't care. I've earned this meltdown. I've earned it. 

    Writhing on the floor, your hands sore and knuckles rigid, you sucked in the air like it was in short supply. "What do I do now?" you whispered to yourself. "Why is this my life?" Nobody was answering, but it felt good to feel like there was someone, something that you could talk to. "All I wanted-" you choked, coughing on the mucus in your throat- "all I wanted was to be normal- to never have anyone make me how I am- to be self-made, self-sufficient..." You trailed off, your hair slipping into the cracks in the wooden floorboards ass your face smushed into the ground. "Was that too much to ask?" One last tear slid down your cheek, nestling into a crook in the floor. "Everything I ever did, everything I ever worked for..." You thought of placing in the top ten in graduation, how good it felt to win at the tasks, that kick of adrenaline you felt when you won... "that was never really mine... it was only mine because someone designed me that way... and I don't even know if my childhood was real..." 

    Squeezing your eyes shut, you strained to remember. You saw a sick girl lying on a cot in a dingy house- that much seemed accurate to your previous memory. Purple fluid hooked into her veins caught your attention; her arms were dainty and bony, and her skin was pale and utterly colorless. "So this is 'pneumonia...'" you whispered aloud. You stared around the room. No evidence indicated your brother was there- maybe he wasn't even real. "But what about the training and the killing for pay?" you whispered aloud again. Suddenly, it was all too much to bear, and you cracked, the memory slipping away. "I am the future, he is the past..." you clasped your hand to your mouth after the words escaped. Why did I say that? It sounded right, rehearsed, and it sounded like something that you had heard before. For just a moment you had seen your past, but it slipped through your fingers like sand. Maybe it's for the best... The heavy doors to the lobby sounded as they were slammed closed. Has the whole day really gone by? You hadn't eaten or drank, and your body felt fatigued from the tedious task of sobbing. Embarrassment partially replaced the sadness you felt in your chest; how were you going to face all of them after you were so blatantly rejected, after you ran away like a small child? "I'm supposed to be more than this, braver than this..." you whispered to yourself once more. You could hear footsteps approaching, and they sounded like Mikasa's and one other's judging by the way her heels sometimes clicked together when she was in a hurry; you thought you heard Armin's by the slight loll in his right foot, characteristic of a training injury. The door-handle was pulling down, the creak in it sounding right above your ear.