Yellow || hs au

|46|

—

  My eyes are trained on the ocean in front of me. It's still and barely moves at all. It's peaceful sitting out here by myself. I had tried to sleep, I did. But now it's two in the morning and I'm at Long Island beach, an hour away from my apartment with class in a few hours. But something was screaming at me to come here. I don't know.

  The moon is just a small crescent sliver sitting silently in the sky accompanied by millions of little stars that shine brightly together. I try to pick out the Little Dipper but I can't find it, I'm terrible at constellations. But looking at the stars makes me think of Harry and that brings me comfort. I wish he was here. But I think I needed to do this on my own.

  I lay back in the sand and allow my eyes to examine the darkness, listening to the light winds whistle around me. The air smells salty and is cold, stinging my face.

  My eyes are welled up with tears and my nose stings as I swallow hard. My hands are clenched at my sides as lay still in the sand, breathing heavily. I'm so confused with myself and my feelings. I'm angry at myself for feeling empty and sad when I shouldn't. I have no right to feel this way, but I still do.

  I don't know why I feel empty. I have such a good life. I have Harry and I'm doing what I love everyday which is art. I shouldn't feel empty. But I do. Because all I can seem to think about is how badly I want my parents to love me. Why do I even care this much, it's been years since they stopped loving me and now all of a sudden it's something I miss?

  Or maybe it's the fact that if my own parents don't love me, who will? Cora was supposed to be my best friend who loved me like a sister and she left. She started hating me out of nowhere just like my parents. What if Harry starts to hate me? I don't understand what's wrong with me. Why does everyone leave?

  My chest aches as warm tears slip down the sides of my face. My body feel so hot but I'm cold. My chest jerks with silent sobs a I stare into the sky. My hands shake at my sides and every inch of my body feels like it's on fire, like I'm in a sauna again like the last time.

  I suck in a sharp breath, digging my fingers into the cold sand beneath me as I scream into the air, my back arching as I screw my eyes shut, feeling every bit of sadness and anger leave my body and linger in the air. All of my feelings of loneliness and feeling unloveable stare back at me in the sky, taunting me. My body shakes as I scream my heart and soul into the silent air.

  My chest moves up and down at such a rapid pace I don't think I'm even getting any air in my lungs. I sit up abruptly, holding my hand against my chest as I sob so violently it hurts. It's like every emotion I've ever felt is escaping all at once with zero mercy. My chest is hot and feels like it could explode at literally any second, every sob getting more hoarse and violent than the last.

  And after a few moments, it stops. My eyes reopen and ache like migraines. My vision is blurry but my chest feels completely weightless. I can feel my heart thumping so harshly against my rib cage as I swallow hard, my throat aching. I stare at the water with aching eyes, unsure if this is what Mrs. Kay was talking about.

  I denied all of these feelings and emotions for all of these years, putting up this act that made it seem like I didn't care. I didn't need my parents, I'm fine without them. I accomplished getting into my dream school without any of their support. I trained my mind that I didn't need them, and if they were tired of me then that's just how things were going to be. I just accepted that that's how things worked, people get tired of you.

  Maybe that's why everything is coming back to me. That guard I put up years ago, is all of a sudden cracking down every time I'm with Harry, someone who feels something for me. He shows me in so many different ways that I'm important to him. And that's all I've ever wanted in my life. To feel important. My parents will never see me as that to them, but does that matter anymore? If I'm important to Harry, that's enough for me.