Yellow || hs au

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  I stare forward at the topic of discussion written in messy handwriting from my professor. I know I should be paying attention because we're moving into a new unit, but recently all I can seem to think about is Harry.

  Things are different between us. A good different. I can tell he's trying to do better, which he is. He's actually showing up to his classes and doing his work. It's been about two weeks since his relapse and when we talked, and everything is going smoothly.

  He's also been talking to Zayn more but I know he still isn't on board with the idea of therapy and or meetings, which is fine. I think Zayn and I could've both seen that coming seeing as Harry is the most stubborn person to ever walk this earth. I just wish he'd give it a chance. It could really help him.

  In all honesty, I feel slightly at fault for making Harry talk about his past. I know he claimed he wanted to open up and tell me about it, but maybe if I hadn't made such a big deal about him being closed off, he wouldn't have felt obligated to do so. I just feel like I pushed him when I shouldn't have. It wasn't fair of me. Even though there's so much more that needs to be talked about, I think he's had enough.

  He opened up to me so much more than I had ever expected he would have. Thinking about how he said he felt safe with me makes my heart begin to ache all over again, even after two weeks. All I've ever wanted was for Harry to trust me enough to talk to me, and it may have taken about four months or so but it's slowly happening. And I don't think he'll ever understand how much him telling me what he did means to me.

  It's pretty obvious he isn't familiar with sharing or expressing his own feelings, but that's another thing he's gotten better at with me. He's slowly being able to tell me what's bothering him or if something is wrong. And that's also something I appreciate.

  I've been thinking about the fact that Harry seems more unhappy than I had originally thought. I could sense from the very beginning he wasn't the happiest person alive and there was a lot going on in his life, but now that I'm apart of his life, I wish I could take it all away. I want him to be happy.

  I can understand why he isn't though. He was given up on multiple times. No wonder he's only just sort of starting to trust me, it probably took him much longer to trust his adoptive mother. Or if he even trusts her.

  There's still so many unanswered questions and as much as I wish I could ask him, he's been through enough. I can surely wait to hear about his trust issues and his adoptive mother, all I want is for him to get sober and back on track. And I'll do anything for that to happen.

  He seems happy when he's with me, laughing and teasing me. But I know deep down he's sad. He won't admit that he's sad but that one sentence he had spoken about simply taking the next breath and how it's getting hard, stuck with me. I think it'll stick with me forever.

  I don't look at Harry and assume he's a broken and needs me to fix him, that's not what I'm doing and I surely don't think of him like that. He's allowed to feel the way he does, he's allowed to be sad. And I want him to feel happy but sometimes he doesn't and it's okay because it's important that he comes to terms with that. He can't disguise his sadness with anger and quietness. Not with me at least.

  I'm relieved when my class finally ends, all of us quickly packing our things away before filing out of the building. The sun is actually shining today, and slowly but surely the weather is getting a bit nicer and the snow is finally melting away.