Yellow || hs au

|63|

Fix you: ColdPlay
(Play at *)
Tw
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   The sun is almost too hot to bare, but in a good way. It warms my skin and makes me feel like summer. The sky is cloudless, and sitting on the rooftop of my apartment makes it feel so close, but so far away at the same time. Everything is so much more quiet this high up. The loud tire screeches and continuous honking from the busy streets are all muffled and barely audible. It's peaceful.

  Since the other night with Harry, I've been trying to stop thinking and worrying but I can't. If anything I've only been thinking harder. I got zero sleep last night because my mind wouldn't stop racing. I just keep running my childhood through my head over and over again, picking out all of those little details of my parents neglecting me. And remembering how I felt each time is hard. Because as much as I try to hide it, I still feel that way. And I don't know if I ever stopped.

   I stand in the middle of the rooftop, that I'm probably not supposed to be on, in a pair of grey cotton shorts and a small white bikini top. I can already feel my skin burning from the sun, but I ignore the feeling and instead I simply stare out at the tall buildings.

   After telling Harry everything the other night and getting it all off of my chest, I feel better. I feel better knowing that I can talk to Harry about what's going on. I know I should go to Sarah too, but right now I don't want to be told what's wrong with me or be asked about why I'm feeling the way I am. I just want to stop worrying all the time.

   It feels like all I'm capable of doing anymore is worrying and over thinking. I just want to stop and I want to be okay, even if I'm not. I'm sad and I'm angry. I'm confused and I'm feeling so many different things at once that it's hard to keep up. I just want to stop feeling everything so deeply, just for one second. But I can't.

   My mother has a whole other life, a whole other family that I never knew about. A whole other family she loves. And my father knew about it. He never tried to fix anything with my mom, he never tried to work anything out with their marriage. He just watches her move on with another family, and now he's going to do the same and I'm stuck. I'm getting left behind by my own parents who want knew families. They don't want me.

   I shake my head and lower myself to sit on the hot concrete, my vision fuzzy and out of focus as I stare aimlessly in front of me. How is it possible that I knew my parents never loved me, and still, it crushes me every time I think about it? I should've seen this coming, I did see it coming. And I'm so angry at them for allowing me to take the fault for everything and I'm angry at myself for letting it affect me this much.

   It's not fair.

   They get to move on happily with their new families. They get to forget about their marriage and they get to forget what they did to me, how they treated me. They don't lose sleep over their overwhelming emotions. But I do. I lose sleep over guilt that sits on my shoulders at all hours of the day. Guilt that doesn't belong to me. I'm so angry.

   I'm so incredibly angry at them. How could they do this to me? I've spent years feeling sorry for myself, trying to please them and makeup for going against their wishes. I've tried so hard to make them understand me and my love for art. I have pushed and shoved for their acceptance and their love. I did everything possible and still, I was never enough to them. I never will be.

   But my sadness overthrows my anger.

   I'm sad that I let it get this far and I'm sad that I can't even be enough for my own parents, let alone myself. I'm sad because they let me brainwash myself into believing this story. They watched me try and try for years for them to love me. They waited me out.