Yellow || hs au

| 80 |

—

   My heart is stuck in my throat. My entire body is numb. My eyes are tired and filled with exhaustion, though sleep is the furthest thing from my mind right now. My knee bounces up and down impatiently as I sit in the small and uncomfortable arm chair of the hospitals waiting room. The seventh floor is quiet and deserted. The woman sat at the front desk wears thin framed glasses perched on her small nose, her eyes focused down at the screen of her computer that every so often makes a noise when her fingers tap against its keyboard.

The silence of the entire floor rings in my ears, making them ache. But nobody is saying a word. I have so many questions, so many things to ask, hoping for an answer. I have so many people I want to blame, one of them being myself. But I know that now is not the time to be placing blame. Now isn't the time to jump to conclusions and fight. Now is the time to hope to god that Harry is okay.

Zayn and Tiff are sat in chairs identical to mine that rest against the left wall, adjacent to me. Niall is sat on the small couch on the right wall, his face shoved into the palms of his hands, Hallie sat beside him rubbing his back. None of us have spoken a word to each other since I arrived about an hour and a half ago. It's been a miserable and very long hour and a half, spent in silence with obnoxious thoughts drowning my mind, spiking my nerves up every once in a while. That's the only reason I know I'm not completely numb yet. I can still feel my stomach sink inside, I can still feel the hairs stand up on my arms and I can still feel the goosebumps rise over the surface of my skin. But right now, I wish more than anything that I was numb. Numb to everything. It would be better than this.

"You should try to sleep."

I look up at my mother whose quiet voice breaks through the ungodly silence. She hands me a small white foam cup as she lowers herself to sit in the chair placed across from mine. I stare down into the small cup, the crushed ice cubes sitting stiffly on top of one another. I glance up at her, surprised that she had even remembered something so small about me. I hate the way hospitals make me feel, so I've always chewed on ice, ever since I was young. I did it when we would go to see my grandmother all those years ago when she was sick. My parents always told me to quit because it would hurt my teeth. But it always made me feel less gross.

"Thanks." I mutter, ignoring her previous words. I slowly pick one of the small pieces out before dropping it into my mouth, my molars breaking it down piece by piece. "You don't have to stay, I know you were in a rush to get back to Nantucket." I voice after a moment, my mothers eyes finding mine quickly as if she had been waiting for me to say that. I watch her check the time on her watch before she nods and stands from the chair. Her considerate action earlier has now been forgotten and I suddenly remember exactly why we will never get along.

   "Remember, January first." She informs me, my head shaking as I watch her leave the hospital without another word. Her strides are long and filled with purpose as the sliding doors close behind her, a scoff escaping my lips as I continue to chew the ice. It's silent once again, and it's beginning to drive me crazy. All of the questions I'm dying for answers to and all of the waiting, it's getting to my head. I have to know if Harry is okay, it never takes this long for doctors to tell you if someone is okay.

   "What happened?" I finally ask, my eyes still focused on the cup that sits between my thighs, half of the ice already gone and the rest of it is beginning to slowly melt. I hear the chairs squeak around me as their weight all shifts, but I don't make an effort to look up at any of them. I'm not upset with them, I know it's not their fault. I'm just confused and I know that if I look at any of them, I'll break. And I don't have the energy to break down right now.