--Bridges--

n o s t a l g i a ▪49▪

I wanna be a kid again. 

I want to go back to that age when everything was simple and our only worry was the homework to be submitted the next day.
I want to read Enid Blyton with the same enthusiasm of the eleven year old me.
I want to smile and feel the same way as I look in that picture from my uncle's wedding.
I want to spend nights obsessing over my favorite books and thinking of weird scenarios instead of poring over messy relationships and telling myself for the hundredth time that I'm lost.
I want to go to the library with my friends, to complete projects in hours as if they were group assignments, to plan for picnics and scramble for the best seats, to find time to enjoy even in the midst of pressure.
I miss all my stupid firsts - English song that I heard as a middle school kid, bunking a class(even if it was only PE), ride in the amusement park that did turn out to be nice, first time a friend came home, the time I found about Harry Potter, the time I learnt the word fuck and what not.
I miss my encylopedia and magazine poring days.
I miss the silly debates with friends and our inside jokes and code names.
I want to go to bed singing hymns from my school diary and not caring to ask myself why.
I miss playing and fighting with my cousins all day long - now we are all either too busy or have grown apart.
I sometimes want to go back to the time before smartphones and social media complicated our lives.
I sincerely miss the times when friendship was simple - before we started to mess these things up.
I actually miss last year 'cause atleast I had a goal, I knew where I was headed, I need that kind of certainty.
I want that curiousity and wonder and excitement back.
I miss the times when being silly and kiddish was not a big deal cause that's what you were, and there was no pressure to grow up and mature.
I envy the times when we were innocent and unsuspecting and didn't know how twisted the world was - cause that's what we really are and what we are best at.
I want to go back to when you knew there were answers for everything, even though difficult and unreachable at times.
I want to be sure about something, just something - anything.
I'm desperate to go back to when I only confided in myself and never let out my deeper feelings - I wish I had never given others that chance.
I miss last year when I used to write in my diary zealously - Atleast I knew what and why I was feeling - penning it down helped me to analyze stuff clearly, taught me the right and wrong, good and bad, kept me in touch with my emotions, and how I hate myself for breaking me habit of writing when I'm such a mess of emotions and barely know what I'm feeling.
I miss the times when you could do stuff without having to overthink every bit and wonder if you are too nice or too caring, worry about trying too hard, feel as if you are the problem and battle with expectations.

I want to be able to have some memories of this time that are worth looking back at and being nostalgic about, and not just a blur of days and months.