--Bridges--

f a c e s ▪25▪

Do you ever feel, that if you show someone your true self, they'll never like you. It's not a matter of pretences and double faces, it's more along the lines of whether your actual self is actually worthy.

I was just thinking about how I'm not that close with my cousins, as I should be. I regret that, but the question was, how can I change that. The only way which occurred to me was to talk more, take interest, make small talk. But the thing is, is it right to do such a thing even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You feel trapped in someone else's body, someone who's certainly behaving different from what you actually are. Yeah, the society's prejudiced towards introverts, but there's more to that.

It's not like I'm scared of everyone's reactions if I let down all my walls, it's just that I wonder whether my true self is really worth it. I'm dull, I suck at conversations, I'm not mature, I'm irresponsible and lazy, I keep letting people down, and I'm confused: there's a part of me that wants the limelight while the other part just wants to fade away. What if I give up all these acts: trying to talk to people at parties, asking questions that needn't be asked, not behaving like what I am, not sharing everything that comes to my mind and putting on airs and graces. Yeah, people might misjudge me, but that's not what stops me, it's the doubt whether these things really need to be given up.

There's a thin line that distinguishes being yourself from changing yourself for the better.
How do I know where to draw it? Like earlier, I hated dancing, but the shame of standing alone at middle school birthdays changed my attitude: I like to dance now. So, how do you make out whether you need to give up a part of yourself or to embrace it.

Is being yourself enough?
You know what it leads to: my inner real self and my pretences for the sake of my own self, they're kind of mingled. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm acting a particular way because I want to or because I'm supposed to.
Like, do I actually need someone to talk to at parties, or is it just the fear of being left alone.
Do I really want to be that girl who is liked by everybody, is outgoing, interactive and doesn't suck at conversations.
Do I actually need to agre with the other person when I have the exact opposite thing on my mind.
Do I really crave attention or is it the fear of being ignored.

I think it's not about hiding some aspects of yourself, but deciding which ones to show. I hope I'm able to work out these things someday.

A/N: Wrote this an year ago yet I'm as clueless about whether I gotta be cave in to the pressure of being what seems right or defend what I am. The obvious answer one might give is that we should not care about others, and I don't. All I care about is whether the way I am is right or wrong, and I don't know how to judge that. Do share your thoughts!