Therapy || l.t.

Chapter 20: Finally

Chapter 20: Finally 

"Louis never visited me while I was at the hospital,"  I tell them. My heart is breaking all over again, shattering to be exact. My lungs are collapsing and I feel like I'm about to start hyperventilating. I'm holding back the tears as best as I can, but it's extremely hard when they begin to pool at the bottom of my eyes.

"Really?" the sweet girl from before asks. I nod and am incomprehensive to why some of them are surprised. I sugarcoated to them what he actually said, which was still horrendous; the scene still plays in my head over and over. 

"I ended up moving as soon as I could. I didn't bother to get my things from his place. I couldn't risk a run-in. I talked to my boss and he relocated me, apologizing for my loss when I told him about my daughter. I'd like to think her name would've been Rain or something. A storm always seemed to describe how our lives were when we weren't together. Our own seperate 'rains' brought us together. Louis brought up that name jokingly once and we both hated it, but it just sticks out to me now, ya know? It's stupid that I still think of this stuff. It's just hard not to," I tell them. I doubt they can understand me much as I'm incomprehensible right now, but I don't care. I've reached the end of my story and everything is pouring out of me all at once and I don't know how to stop; I can't stop.

"Oh sweetie. It's completely normal," Ms. Lowell tells me and I nod, wanting to express my feelings towards her. I just don't feel as if she's sincere now, as if she cares but I don't care.

"I just can't believe I missed out on being a mom. I was so excited. I wanted to have someone I could put my all in to, someone who wasn't him. I wanted to watch her take her first steps and say her first words. I wanted to do her hair and have her introduce me to all of her friends and I'd be that mom they loved. I wanted to be able to plan fun outings for her. I was supposed to help her experience the world. I wanted to watch her fall in love and get her first period. I wanted to help her through her first heart break. I wanted to watch her graduate and move on with her life. I wanted to know every single quirky detail about her, but all of that was taken away from me in a moment. I should've been able to experience everything with her. I needed to give her the life I never had," I sob, finally losing it. I wrap my arms around myself, needing something to hold me together, but it doesn't help. It never does.