Therapy || l.t.

Chapter 8: Realization

Chapter 8: Realization

Waking up, I can't remember my dream, just that I'm in a cold sweat. I beat it had something to do with Blake. I miss him terribly.

I snuggle in to the duvet a little more, reminiscing myself in the citrus smell. I wonder if this is how Louis smells? Temporarily I've forgotten about my wounds, a terrible mistake as I go to get up to use the restroom. I gasp in pain due to my ribs. I feel as if they've twisted and are puncturing my lungs as I'm now finding it a bit hard to breathe. I clasp my hand on the corner of the night stand, not sure what I did wrong to mess it up.

Louis bounces in to the room upon seeing me through the hallway. Concern takes over his features as he stares at me. He comfortingly wraps his arm around my waist, his hand gripping my hip so he doesn't accidentally hurt my ribs further. He just stands there with me, breathing as well.

"Did you sleep on your side?" He asks as I finally calm down. Suddenly I realize I must've. Could I be any more stupid? I nod as an answer to his question.

"You've got to be more careful than that Jayden," Louis scolds. I don't say a word. I know what's coming and I need to be prepared. I flinch when I feel his hand on my hip move, but it's not in the way I expect him to. He's rubbing tiny circles again and again over that area and I feel calm again.

"I just needed to wee," I whisper after a moment and he smiles. He gestures me down the hall and helps me walk there. I walk to the toilet myself, closing the door so I may do my business. Afterwards, I glance in the mirror, cringing at my appearance. Bruises cover my face. I haven't had time to examine myself since I was afraid to check in the mirror at the hospital. I notice a gash above my eyebrows that's scabbing already. I lift up the T-shirt that covers my upper half, tears springing to my eyes at how horrible I look. You can see my ribs and practically see the fractures through my skin though a great color of black, blue, yellow and purple don't allow me to explore. I'm having a hard time finding my natural skin color and I'm suddenly afraid to continue looking at myself. No wonder Louis is so afraid to be around me, always looking at me as if I'm so fragile.

How could I have let Blake do this to me? Why was I so blind? He put me in the hospital. Because of him I'm having a hard time breathing and am worrying for my life. I shouldn't have to live in fear like this. He abused me. Why did I have to follow in my mother's footsteps? No wonder my sister hates me. I'm a wreck. I'm stupid. He fed me all of these lies and I bought every single one of them. Maybe at one point he did love me, but it's very clear now that I don't mean shit to him. If he cared about me even a single ounce that I cared for him, he would have never laid a finger on me. I feel dumb, useless, and used.

How could I have fallen so low?

Suddenly, my eyes feel heavy and tears start to roll down my cheeks. I know that I'm having a mental break down yet again, but not for the reason that I did at the hospital. This time I am sickened with how I let Blake treat me and I never want to see him again. After all this time though, he was right. I am stupid. He knew all along what he was doing and I never attempted to stop it. I'd want  to hit me too.

"Jayden? You okay love? You've been in there quite awhile," Louis says from outside the door.

"Yeah," I say, voice cracking. I know he notices by the way that he opens the door. I'm sitting on the floor, cradling myself even though I'm not positive how I got here. I'm not rocking back and forth or even sobbing, I'm just crying, drowning in my self-hatred. Before I can comprehend what's going on, Louis has come to sit on the floor next to me. He wraps his arms around my waist quite a bit awkwardly, but for once, I reveal in his touch. I cuddle in to him as if he's the only one that can hold me together. I hate that I'm relying on him, but it's the only solution I have right now. I need someone to hold me together until I can do it for myself.

~

"Are you okay?" Louis asks after me just sitting in his arms silently for awhile. I moves a piece of my hair back behind my ear so he can see my face, probably just to make sure that I'm not crying anymore. I nod my head. I may hate myself, but now I have a chance to make things better.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks me. For once, I find that I do. I want to express my anger towards not only myself, but about everything.

"I am mad. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at Blake. I'm mad at my parents and I'm mad at my sister. I'm mad at the friends who left me to deal with this on my own. I'm mad that I let Blake do to me what he did. I'm mad that you found out the way you did. I'm mad that I didn't tell anyone to get help. I'm mad that I let it go on so long. I'm mad that he had the nerve to do this to me. I'm mad that he wanted control over me. I'm mad that I have never seen a functional relationship. I'm mad that my mum let my dad do to her what Blake did to me. I'm mad that my sister left me without even giving me a second glance. I hate myself for not being strong. I hate that I was stupid enough that I didn't notice until it was too late. He put me in the fucking hospital and got arrested. I can't believe that's what it took to make me realize that what our relationship was wasn't natural. It wasn't okay and it never was. I'm mad his friends never stood up for me. They knew what was going on. They saw everything and they never once tried to stop him nor help me. I'm sick with myself. But you've been so kind to me and I'm not sure what I've done to deserve it? I'm obviously not smart. I'm always crying or scared. I fear you half the time and I just don't understand why you'd offer me such secureness and safety. Why?" I ask finally after my long rant. I'm breathing heavily and my voice is hoarse. I have never once told that to anyone, but I reached my boiling point and finally exploded. I'm still scared as to of how he'll react especially with me still in his arms, but part of me knows he won't hurt me. He's seen me at my lowest state and hasn't tried yet. That doesn't mean he won't try in the future though.

"Honestly, you're broken. You radiate loneliness, but even after your situation you don't deserve to be alone. You're kind even though you don't know it. I feel like there's a lot more of you for me to uncover. You're not just some girl covered in bruises and I'd like for you to see that," he explains. My heart is swelling up at his words. I snuggle in to his chest, just wanting to be close to him. It's quite unusual behavior for me, but I don't care at this point. I want to be better and Louis believes in me.

He believes in me.