Therapy || l.t.

Chapter 12: Okay

Chapter 12: Okay

Awkward. That's the only word I can use to described what just happened. I helped Louis feel no longer guilty about Nina and he helped me in my time of need. I can't help but think that this is another thing that he's doing as getting over her, using me. It only makes me want to run away more.

Louis and I just snogged.

Fuck. This wasn't supposed to happen. What if Blake finds out? I'll surely be dead then. Granted he's not out of jail yet, but who knows when he'll be? Shit. This can't be happening.

"We can't Louis," I tell him. He seems confused and hurt by my words. I feel guilty, but this isn't right on so many levels.

"And why not?" He asks me. I bite my lip for a second, staring at him as his hand caresses my cheek. I place my hand over his before putting it on my lap.

"You're not over Nina. I don't want to be just some thing that you use to forget about her. I want to mean something to you I suppose. Besides, what if Blake finds out? We'll both surely be dead if he does. I couldn't risk putting you in a situation like that. The cards aren't playing right for this to happen between us. I'm just some girl you found bawling her eyes out in the sand that you decided to help out to clear your conscious. I don't want that to be our only connection." I keep repeating the same things over and over rephrasing it differently to make him understand. I couldn't bear getting hurt again.

"Nina has nothing to do with the way I'm starting to feel for you. And fuck Blake. He doesn't deserve someone like you and should be locked up for the rest of his life," is Louis' response. Why is he so set on this? I can't deny that I didn't enjoy the kiss, but it shouldn't happen again.

"And when exactly did you start feeling this way? And Blake has everything to do with this. He's dangerous and what if he gets out soon? The first thing he's going to do is try to find me. I can't put you, such a kind bloke, in the way of someone like that," I tell him.

"It doesn't matter when I started to feel this way because it kind of just happened. Are you saying you don't feel the same way? And he won't be able to find us. I can promise you that. You don't need to worry about him anymore," he tries to make me see. I don't think I can though.

"Blake will always be a worry to me though. He's my worst nightmare yet greatest dream. He's all I know though I'm trying to get past that. He haunts me and I know you have experience from Nina, but I don't have the heart to have you deal with my distressed self," I announce. I can't put this kind of stress on him. I can't be selfish like Nina even though I enjoyed that kiss so much and I would do it again if I got the chance.

"So you don't feel the same way....I'm so sorry. I won't try something like that again," Louis says, turning his head away and starts to walk away.

"Louis wait. That's not how it is," I say grabbing his wrist. He can't leave me too. My thoughts are all jumbled and the rational part of me is saying no yet my body is screaming yes along with everything in me.

"How is it then?" He asks. He's hurt. God dammit. Why do I always fuck up?

"Okay yes. I feel the same," I breathe out. I hate that I'm still not comfortable telling him everything.

"You do?" He asks a little unbelieving. I can't say I blame him.

"Yes. But nothing adds up. We're so broken and we can't help each other. We both have fears and it'll ruin us in the end and-" I begin yet he cuts me off, "none of that should matter. We may have fears, but facing them will only make us stronger. I understand that now. Hell, if I didn't face them then I don't think I would've realized that I care for you in that way. Besides, if you can't face your fears then I will for you." My heart literately swells at his words. How could he say everything I want to hear? What if he's lying? Why did things just have to be so complicated? Relationships shouldn't be as difficult as one that would happen if Louis and I got together.

"I just don't know. We'd have so much to work on," I say uncertain. Things would've been less complicated if I didn't call him that night at the hospital, if he didn't care so much. Yet that's the thing I love most about him, his big shattered heart.

"But it'd be worth it in the end love," he tells me, interlocking our fingers. I love the feeling already. I'm using the word love too much.

"Would it?" I ask him. I'm so unsure and lost. I need guidance.

"I think so," he tells me.

"Okay."

"Okay what?" He asks me.

"I guess we can give this a try," I tell him. His smile grows and I feel like smiling myself.

"Are you serious?" He asks me.

"As serious as I can get," I shrug. He moves closer to me and wraps his arms around me, squeezing me and spinning me around. I giggle even though I can't move my arms. He sets me down and smiles at me. He doesn't know what to do next so I reach up and kiss him. He smirks in to the kiss and for once, I felt peace.

~~

"I still haven't decided if that was the best or worst decision of my life," I tell the group. I look around and notice the guy who came in late sitting with his head down. I can't look at his features since he has a hoodie covering his head. He's probably a drug addict. They come and go.

"Why do you say that?" Bob asks. He's so kind.

"Because it was the best time of my life yet it ended so terribly," I tell him.

"How'd it end?" A petite girl asks. She's new.

"Probably in heartache," Calford sighs.

"Worse than that actually," I tell.

"How so?" He questions.

"Well you'll just have to wait for me to finish the story and find out."