Reasons To Live✔

21

"Do we have everything?" Josh asks as he digs through the bags. I nod, barely paying attention as I click through Snapchat stories, a small smile on my face.

"Do you have the train tickets?" He continues. I nod again as I slide my phone in my pocket.

"Are you going to pay attention to me yet?" He asks and again I nod. I turn to face him after a few seconds and he has his arms crossed and he's pouting. I smile awkwardly.

"We have 30 minutes. Are you sure you're ready to go?" He pleads, I smile and swing my bag over my shoulder.

"Yes, I am 100% sure, I am ready to go, Josh," I smile and he forces a small one back.

About an hour later we're sitting on the sticky train seats opposite each other. He's scrolling through his phone and I'm staring out the cloudy window to the green hills. They cover the country side and multi-coloured flowers outline them, I smile to myself, watching the rain smack the window and peacefully roll down.

"Everything okay, Josh?" I ask, after he sighs heavily. His blue eyes instantly dart up to mine. He hesitates for a second before starting to push out words.

"I regret what I messaged to that group chat, I've lost everyone," he mumbles. "Apart from you..." he stutters. I force my head to nod, unable to get my own words out.

"They're not worth it, and you still have Soph remember?" I whisper back, he has a tiny smile on his face, his lips thin.

"I do, thankyou," he smiles before turning his phone back on again, the blue light bright in his face. "Speaking of Soph, I have 7 missed calls from our weekend together, she isn't calling as much as usual," he laughs. I laugh too. "I've fucked up, haven't I?"

"Hm?" I ask, my head tilted slightly.

"With you- I mean not with you. I've made a lot of mistakes with you, my actions. I haven't been the best boyfriend, have I?" The silence fills the cart for a second, unsure of how I should reply to him. I glance at him, our eyes meet for less than a second before he turns his gaze outside the window.

"No, you haven't, I can't sugar coat it for you, you gave me your hoodie knowing it'd annoy her, you came here with me knowing about her jealousy issues, you spent time with me over her. She had the right to react so insecure, you hurt her Josh, you can't avoid that, I'm sorry," I say, my words trailing off towards the end. "She obviously thought you'd be cheating, and I know you weren't but damn... You have your flaws," I continue.

His head slowly turns to me, his face is pale and his eyes are welling up. My heart hurts at the sight.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Elyse, please, I understand," he finally mutters. "I haven't been the best, I know, it haunts me at night."

Silence.

"You can be bold sometimes," he finally says, his voice soft. I laugh as a response.

"You deserved it this time."

It's only a few hours later when the house is dark and he's wandering around my house aimlessly. He isn't saying anything, but I hear his mumbles and sniffles. I flick the TV off with the remote and slowly walk up the stairs, past Josh in the bathroom.

The bedroom door creaks open and I drop myself in the cold bed, quickly falling into a light sleep as the open window softly blows the breeze onto me.

I'm woken up what feels like barely 5 minutes later by some shuffling around my room.

"Did I wake you, my bad," Josh's soft voice says but it sounds wobbly, barely audible. I force myself to sit up and look at him, through the moonlight shining through my window I'm able to make out him. His dirty blonde hair is messy,  his shirt sleeves rolled up.

"Josh, what's-" I start but I'm interupped by his sudden crying, a repetitive noise that breaks my heart.

"Josh?" I rush towards him, he's leaning against the wall. "What's up?" Before I know it he's collapsed onto the floor, I slowly kneel down in front of him. "Josh," I mumble. His cries are quiet but the tears stream down his face. "Tell me what's wrong."

"It's over, she ended it," he stutters out through a shakey voice. "I don't know why it hurts so much, I never cry, not over girls," he continues, his face buried against my shoulder. The tears soak through my thin shirt as my arms instinctively wrap around him.

"Josh.." I whisper. "I'm so sorry, she never deserved you but I know how breakups suck. Even if it was for the best," I continue. I feel him nod. "You both hurt each other so much..."

"I know but I was with her so long, and I did love her, I cared for her, I didn't care how bad it got, it was always me and her. Everyone thought so," he cries. "I fucked up so bad," he whispers. "I was so fucking broken and she helped," his voice shakes, almost completely overshadowed by his tears.

"I'm so sorry, Josh," I mutter as my voice cracks, trying to cry myself too at the sight of him. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Just stay like that, I don't want to be alone right now. Just stay with me," he weakly says, his blonde hair now completely covering his face.

"Of course," I whisper back, my hands going to his back as his breathing slows. I don't say anything more, neither does he. We both just stare out the window at the stars, his soft crying filling the dark room.

His hair is soft as my hand glides onto it, his hands are cold as they grip onto me for his life, his body shakes as he cries.

"Thankyou for being here, Elyse," Josh mumbles, his voice not wobbly anymore but the tears still flowing and his weak body still heavy against mine. He glances up at me, his blue eyes full with tears before stuttering:

"Number twenty-one: helping other people."

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Dedication: Mayor_101 thankyou for messaging me about dedications, it really helps me out. I appreciate it a lot. And I also wanted to say, you seem like an awesome person and your aesthetic is so cool and pleasing. Thankyou for your support, it means a lot. ♡