Battles In Life

3

Lochie has sent me a message nearly every day since I had met him at the club. I have replied but most of the time my messages have just been a simple hi and good night. I don't know how to talk with people, unless it comes to work. I am very comfortable chatting while doing my job and I know I am helping people.

Mom - Dana please do not forget about our lunch today

- No mom I have not forgotten

Mom - Do you need me to collect you?

- No I will be okay. See you soon.

Fortnightly lunch with my mom. She knows I have severe anxiety and likes to keep in touch. We always go to the same cafe, it's a place I am very familiar with which makes me feel more comfortable.
Getting dressed, I headed out the door.
Best thing about working from home is I can just wear whatever I want, even my pyjamas as no one can see me.

"Oh dana I have missed you" "hi mom how have you been?" "I have been wonderful, it's so good to see you, you know how I worry" "I know mom I am doing okay" "did something happen" "oh ahh no everything has been good".
"Hi ladies what can I get for you" "two lattes and two pies with a side of sauce. Dana would you like anything else?" "No thanks mom" "that'll be all, thank you" "I will bring it to you ladies shortly".
"You can't lie to me dana, I know something has happened in the past two weeks that I haven't seen you, are you taking care of yourself?" "Of course I am, same routine everyday" "is it helping?" "It's been working out okay. I ahh went out two weekends ago and that did not go to plan at all I had a small attack when I got home" "where did you go and who with? it better not have been that.." "mom. yes it was her but I have learnt my lesson" If mom could, i swear she'd blow steam from her ears in anger.
"That girl is no good" "I know mom" "you need to take care of yourself let me guess she took you out at night to a pub or to a club, forced you out into a place like that" "yes mom but it will never happen again, she is not helping me get better" "no she isn't and if I see her.." "it's okay mom I will not be seeing her again" "I'm glad I just want you to be okay" "I am doing okay, keeping busy with work" "good. Soon you will be back to your normal self and I can not wait. you deserve to be happy and having fun" "one day. What have you been doing?" "Your father and I have been organising our holiday" "that is right, when do you leave?" "In a week" "a week. that came up fast" "will you be able to handle us not being around?" "Yes of course, you two deserve a holiday. I'd love to see photos" "I will make sure to take plenty of them for you" I gave mum a small smile.
"Here you go ladies your lattes" "thank you very much" "your meal shouldn't be too far" "thank you".
I have been quite worried about how I am going to go with out my support persons around. they are the one people I have in my life that care. My attacks happen often even when I am at home. My parents thought moving me from out of my old town to new york would help, it got me away from my old life where my anxiety began. We have only been here for a few years. I had met callie back at my old town and somehow she found out where I was, then I was stupid enough to keep talking to her. But from now on, I just can't do it. I don't know if she associates with all the people who had done me wrong in the past including my ex boyfriend but I don't want to take any chances.
"Dana are you okay?" "Yes mom I was just thinking, maybe I should find a new unit" "yes I think you should" I nodded "you will have one by the end of the week" "no mom I don't want you.." "nonsense, it's for your health, I will do anything I can" mom will never take no for an answer so I just nodded agreeing with her.
"Your meal" "thank you, these look delicious" "I hope so ma'am".
"Dana are you eating well?" "Always" "good let's eat".
The pies tasted as good as they smelt "I will definitely be ordering these again" "yes I have to agree mom, they were very good" "I will be leaving a very good tip".
"Mom when will you and dad be getting back?" "In two months but I will make sure to keep in touch as much as I can okay?" "I know, I just thought I'd ask" "as soon as I get home I will find you a new unit, is there anything you do not want?" "No mom I am fine with anything" "alright, I will let you know tomorrow where you will be going and organise a removalist for you" "mom that is a lot" "nonsense. Come on let's get out of here". Standing up from our table, mum left more than enough on the table to cover our meals before we headed out.
"I'm going to miss you" "I will see you through the week to help you pack, I will not be having you do it all on your own" "it's okay mom it will keep me busy" "what about work?" "I will be fine" "okay you know I worry about you".
"Dana" I turned seeing Lochie "ahh hi Lochie" he gave me a million dollar smile "how are you dana?" "I'm.. ahh I'm okay" "dana how do you know Lochie?" "I met him a couple of weekends ago he walked me home after an incident at the club" "what incident? You only mentioned.." "mom please".
"Hi I'm Lochie" he put his hand out to my mom "hi Lochie, I'm Janelle Dana's mother" "it's nice to meet you" "you too".
"Dana I will organise that new property for you tonight and give you a call. I have to go, you take care okay" "I will" mom gave me a hug then headed off.
"Dana you are moving?" "Yes I am. I ahh I need too" "are you moving far?" Lochie sounded concerned "umm still.. in the city but I ahh, I need to ahh, stay away from.." "callie" I nodded "she's not.. she's not helping me" "i understand that, I think it'll be good for you" "me too. Are you ahh going somewhere?" "No I had just left a restaurant up the street, do you want some company?" "Ahh no I am good, I'm ahh just going to go home and start to pack" "I will walk with you, if that is okay" "I'm sure you ahh, have better things to do" "no not at all" I nodded. I don't know why he wants to spend time walking with me. He is definitely a good looking guy and I'm sure has a lot of friends and people in his life, a lot more sociable then I am.
"Your mom is very high in the real estate sector" "yes she is. Do you ahh know her?" "Not personally until a few moments ago" I nodded "my mom ahh, obviously knows you too" "many people do that's why I am very surprised you didn't when we met" "I.. I don't get out much" "I know. do you watch television?" I shook my head "no I ahh avoid all fake and negative things" "so what do you do in your spare time?" "Read and ahh listen to music" "does it clear your mind?" "No ahh not really, I still ahh, I still have really bad days" "can I ask what you mean by that?" "Attacks. umm chest pains, dizziness and ahh, I feel like I'm ahh, struggling to breathe" "what do you do when that happens?" "I ahh, i try to calm myself but ahh.." I shook my head "ahh sometimes I can't and I call my mother. She's umm, shes going away at the ahh, end of the week" "what are you going to do?" "Stay and ahh work" "but what if you can't pull yourself out of an attack?" I shrugged I don't know how to answer that. I'm worried myself. both of my support persons are going to be out of the country. "I.. I don't know" "how often do your attacks happen?" "A lot, sometimes ahh, everyday" "every day?, You said you call your mom, does she come over?" I nodded "how do you alert her?" "She ahh, she knows if I don't talk". Lochie and I walked in silence. Nearly back at my unit he spoke up "can you call me if it happens when your mother is away?" I stopped in my tracks looking at Lochie "I.. I don't understand.. you hardly know me, why?" "it's simple dana. I want to get to know you and I don't want you to go through what you are dealing with alone" I stepped back, I didn't know how to deal with his kindness, I'm afraid of getting to close to anyone male or female because of my past. "I.. I dont want to be a ahh, a burden Lochie, you have your life to ahh, worry about and ahh, I can do it on my ahh, own" I don't even think I believed my own words. I knew it was going to be hard with out my parents "no dana, I want to be there for you" "Lochie I ahh, think it's best that.." "dana don't push me away, please I just want to help" how did he know what I was going to say?. "I ahh I better get back home" Lochie only nodded. Getting to the steps of my apartment, I faced Lochie. his dark brown eyes instantly looking into mine "thank you for ahh, walking me home again" "I am happy to do it. anytime dana. it was great to see you again" I gave him a small smile "goodbye Lochie" "bye dana".