Battles In Life

15

"dana are you okay" "yeah" "I just wanted to make sure, heather can be very forward" "no ahh, it's okay" "good, I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable" "I'm okay th.. Lochie". There's no point thanking Lochie he will just tell me to stop thanking him.
Heather seemed like a nice woman, very honest and yes forward but Lochie is the same. I guess that's why they get along so well.
Lochie and I walked into what I am guessing his office. Pristine mahogany desk two black leather chairs and a black leather couch near the window on the left side of the office. "If you would like to take a seat you can" "nice office" "it's not my style but it'll do" I nodded taking a seat. Feeling my phone ring, I looked at the screen to see my mom calling.
"Hi mom" "hi dana how are you feeling?" "I'm doing okay mom, I hope you and dad are having a good time" "we just arrived in hawaii feeling the jet lag but I wanted to call you to check up on you" "I'm actually at lochies work" "oh that's wonderful I am glad you can get out. Is there anything going on between you two?" "Umm I can't answer that yet mom" "hmm I just want you to be happy" "I know mom I appreciate you thinking of me but you need to enjoy your holiday, you and dad deserve it" "I know I just worry" "I know" "okay well I am going to get some sleep, you take care okay" "I will, you too mom" "bye dana" "bye".
"Is everything okay dana?" "Yeah just my ahh, mom checking up on me" "you didn't tell her about last night?" "No I ahh, don't want to worry her, she needs to have a good time. She ahh, deserves a break from being a parent" "It's alright, you know you have me if anything is to happen" I nodded.
I don't want to rely on Lochie, I need to use these two months to better myself and show my parents I can live a normal life again. I want them to see a change in me. They have done more than enough.
One step at a time.
Today is a good step, I got out of the apartment and not to go to the usual cafe.
Ninety five percent of every week I keep myself couped up just listening to music or working. I need to get out more, I need to stop this anxiety ruining my life. I should be able to get out and do things whenever I want. I have lost so many people along the way but I look at it as, if they can't be here for me when I am in a dark spot in my life then they won't be a part of my future.
Now I just need to decide what I want to do and stick with it. Exercise daily helps, well so I have heard but I don't just want to walk i want to do something that'll build me up not just mentally but physically.
"Dana" "ahh yeah?" "You sure you are okay?, you looked deep in thought" "yeah I am, am I distracting you from ahh, working?" "Whether you are here or not you always run through my mind" "are you ahh, always this forward?" "yes there's no point beating around the bush" I nodded "yes you are right". "What were you thinking about?" "That I ahh, don't want to rely on you, that I need to find a way to ahh, better myself not only for ahh, my parents but for myself" "have you thought of anything?" "Not yet but today is a ahh, good start" "somewhere different?" I nodded. "would you ahh, like me to ahh, leave you to do your work?" "No it's alright" I nodded.
Relaxing on the couch I looked at my phone I needed to do some research, find something that might help me exercise and mentally.
sport. Nah I don't want a group thing
walking. Nah I don't want to just walk
bike riding. Hmm nah
karate. Hmm nah that's more just punching and kicking.
Hmm jiu jitsu. I never looked into it.
Benefits of jiu jitsu:
-A full body work out
- flexibility and balance
- Increase your self esteem
- improve focus and concentration
Jiu jitsu can be very rewarding for many people.

"What are you doing?" I looked up from my phone to see Lochie kneeling beside me.
"Ahh researching, I want to find something that will ahh, help and I think I found it" "What's that?" I showed my phone screen to Lochie "you want to try jiu jitsu?" "All I ahh, can do is give it a go, I just ahh, need to find a place and request private lessons, Im not keen on a ahh, group thing" a smile made its way to his lips "well if that's what you want to try, we'll look into a few places but I already have a place in mind if you want to go have a look?" "Ahh where?" "My brother is a jiu jitsu coach" "what?" "Do you want to meet him?, If you are comfortable maybe he can be your coach" "ahh, yes we can do that" "well let's go" " now?" "Yeah" "what about your ahh, work?" "I've already done what I needed to do" I nodded "okay".

"Corey" "oh Lochie hey what are you doing here?" "Anyone would think you don't like me" "no, but it's a surprise to see you here and who is this?" "Corey this is dana, dana this is my brother corey" "hi Corey" "how are you dana?" "Good thanks". "So what brings you here?" "Dana was thinking of maybe starting jiu jitsu" "hmm okay. Dana why do you want to do it?" "I ahh, have severe anxiety and I want to regain control doing some exercise but also ahh, want to help my mental state" "seems like a good reason to do it, you will be wanting private sessions?" "Yeah" "how often?" "Ahh, I don't know, as much as I can" "alright let me have a look at the books and I will see what I can do" "thank you".
"Dana don't push yourself too hard okay" "no ahh, I know my limits" "good" Lochie wrapped me in a hug kissing the top of my head "it's good that you want to do something" "I ahh, need to, I'm sick of being like this".
"Oh so dana is very close to you Lochie?" Lochie pulled away facing corey "yes, you could say that".
"Dana we can do four days a week, if you want something to keep your mind busy or we can slow it down to once a week" "no ahh, four days is fine. When ahh, are you available?" "Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I have times through the day or at night" "ahh, day Please" "alright does eleven suit you?" "That is ahh, great. thank you".
"Do you want to start next week?" "That'll be great" corey nodded.
"So what's news Lochie?" "Not much same old. You?" "Just been busy working" "seen mum and dad?" "Not for a couple of weeks. do they know you have found yourself a woman?" "We aren't together" "oh I just thought.." "I know" "alright well I better get back to work I have a session going but charli is running it" "okay thanks Corey" "thank you" "it's no problem see you next week. Oh here is the payment details" "thank you".

"How much is it?" "For ahh, four lessons a week it'll be eight hundred a month" "that's a lot" "it's okay, ahh, hopefully it'll be worth it" "I will speak to corey and see if he will do it cheaper" "no ahh, it's honestly fine" "dana that's way too much" "I have enough".
"Would you like to get some lunch?" "Ahh yeah that sounds good" "can I take you to a new place?" "Yeah that is ahh fine".
It's a lot of changes in one day but I want to see how far I can push myself. So far I am doing well enough, it helps that Lochie is with me but once again I don't want to rely on him.

"I don't think ahh, I am in the right attire for this place Lochie" "you look perfect dana, do not change for anyone but yourself" I nodded. Walking in to the cafe, it was full of business men and women all in their business attire and here I am in a pair of jeans and hoodie. "Stop" "what?" "Looking down at yourself, you need to realize you are perfect" I honestly do not see what he sees. I know I am not ugly but I just feel out of place here. Following Lochie, we took a seat near the far wall at the only table still available.
"Hi, can I get you anything?" "Dana would you like a drink?" "Ahh just a water thanks" "a water and a latte thankyou" "sure, I will bring them to you shortly".

"Are you doing alright being out dana?" "Yeah I.. ahh it's a big change but I'm ahh, handling it okay" "the last thing I want to do is push you too far dana" I nodded.
I don't even know if I believe my own words but I'm trying my best, I need to push myself a little bit otherwise I will never help myself.