Battles In Life

13

I need to find ways to cope. I don't want to rely on Lochie to help me. My mind has been running wild ever since my mom left. Knowing my support persons won't be around, it's put me in a worried state. My hands have been shaking for hours and the hot and cold flushes keep coming. Listening to music, I can only hope Lochie doesn't get back any time soon. I'm sure the music will annoy him and I don't want to disturb his peace. Sitting here on the floor right next to my stereo, concentrating on my breathing like I have trained to do and listening to the music, I can't help but think how hard the next two months are going to be. Mom said to call her any time I need to but it's only been a few hours and I can't do that. "I need to take control, I can do this, I need to take control, I can do this" if people could see me they would think I have gone insane, talking to myself but it's another coping mechanism for me. talk, listen and control my breathing, it's what my psychiatrist told me to do. My chest feels heavy and I know this is not a good sign but I can only keep trying.
Resting my head on my thighs I curled myself like a ball, wrapping my arms around my legs. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one" "blue, yellow, green, pink, red, orange, purple" "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one"
Hearing my phone go off I looked at it, as it sat beside my legs. A message from Lochie. No not right now, I just can't answer, I need to calm myself. "Listen to the music dana"

Hearing a knock at my door, I knew who it would be but I don't have the strength to get up.
My chest feels heavy and I can't stop the shakes nor stop my mind from ticking. The five senses.
Five things I can see. Looking around "stereo, lounge, kitchen, door, table"
Four things I can touch "legs, floor, stereo, arm"
Three things I can hear. "Music, thoughts, breathing.
Two things I can smell "lavender, air"
One thing I can taste "nothing, nothing at all"
Putting my head back down, I closed my eyes. This is ridiculous, why I can't I stop shaking. I feel frustrated.
"Dana" looking to my left Lochie was standing in my doorway. I just shook my head putting my head back to my legs.
"You shouldn't be here" I don't know if he could hear me. The music was blaring and I was sitting right beside it.
Lochies arms moved around me, holding me tight. "Dana just keep concentrating on your breathing, I'm not going anywhere and I will help you through this" breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven, release for eight. That's all that's going through my mind over and over. "I wish you had of called dana, I don't want you to go through this alone" I just shook my head "I want to be there for you, I just need you to let me" "you need to live your life, I'm just a mess" "no you aren't a mess, you are beautiful, kind, sweet, smart and it's all because of others that you are suffering but I promise, I will help you and protect you from everyone as much as I can. you need to believe in yourself and as hard as I know it is, I want you to trust me". Hearing Lochie talk to me and taking in the smell of his aftershave, I didn't even know I had leant into him until Lochie had pulled me against his front.
As Lochie continued to talk to me and hold me My breathing had calmed down and so had my shakes. "Thank you Lochie, for just ahh, being here" "dana I am so happy I have the code to enter. Hearing the music blaring, I knew instantly I had to come see you" "I'm sorry I ahh, didn't mean to disturb you" "do not apologise, you didn't disturb me and I get to hold you in my arms I'm definitely not complaining" I just shook my head with a grin on my face. How can he just come in and calm me so fast but make my heart rate pick up in a good way.
"I don't know ahh, how you can just calm me instantly" "what about me calmed you dana?" "Touch, voice and smell" raising my head to look at lochie, his eyes drew me in. "You have just covered four, there's only one more" it took a few seconds to click. Breaking eye contact, I shook my head grinning "I know what that is" "tell me" he had the most mouth watering mischievous grin on his face "taste" Lochie gently placed his hand on my cheek, caressing it with his thumb, leaning in pressing his lips to mine. Parting just enough for his tongue to entwine with mine, I was in a state of absolutely bliss.
Looking straight into my eyes as I looked into his he grinned showing his perfectly white teeth "it's seems that comforting you also helps me" "how so?" "I get to hold you and kiss you, those two things I crave everyday, every moment whether I am with you or not" just hearing Lochie say that, it somehow made me feel calm and happy. "Now you are relaxed, have you had anything to eat?" "Ahh, not since lunch" "it's nearly nine in the evening, let's get you some food and a drink" "ahh, what about you?" "I will too" I nodded. Lochie stood up, grabbing my hand to help me stand "thank you".
"What would you like to eat?" "No ahh, let me cook" "no you made breakfast" "but I.." "dana I would like to cook for you" I nodded "anything is fine, there is ahh, meat in the fridge".
As Lochie started to cook he shocked me when he spoke. "Callie came in to my work today" "What?" "Yeah, I was not impressed. At first she was yelling at my assistant sandy then when she had seen me she tried to play the nice card" "ahh, what did she want?" "To find you. But don't worry I lied just as much as she did. I know you do not want her near you and I definitely will not let her near you or contact you" "what did she ahh, say?" "That she has tried calling you and tried to visit you every day, since that night at the club. she even went to the extent of telling me that your mother was worried and looking for you" "she didn't" "I know" "I have a ahh, bad feeling about this" "about callie?" "Yes" "me too, i told her I have no idea where you are and I didn't see you after you walked out of the club doors. Can you tell me something?" "What ahh, do you want to know?" "Was she friends with the people who hurt you?" "I ahh, I don't believe so but ahh, now I am starting to think differently" "well it's a good thing you moved and changed your number" "yeah it is".

"This ahh, smells amazing, thank you Lochie" "my pleasure".
"Do you go out to do your shopping?" "No I ahh, online shop" "and is there anyone else that ever comes to visit you?" "Ahh, no just ahh, mom and ahh, sometimes dad why?" "I am going to get more security in the building so you feel safer and I feel relaxed knowing they are here, even at the back entrance incase you need or want to go out" I nodded "okay" "I was expecting you to say no" "no I ahh, I appreciate it" "does any of your mail get delivered to the lobby?" "No ahh, it's all emailed" "good".
"Now for the two big questions?" "What are they?" "Would you like to come to my work? my most trusted photographer heather would love to meet you and would you like to accompany me for lunch next week?" "Ahh, she knows about me?" "I have spoke about you yes, she wanted to know why I came in to work later than normal for the first time ever" "okay and ahh, why lunch?" "I will be meeting with alexander drays and he also insisted I bring you" I was stunned why would these two people want to meet me. "Ahh, when would you like me to ahh, come to your work?" "Whenever you feel up to it" I nodded "thank you Lochie, I will ahh, think about it" "when we go, I will drive so we don't have to deal with the paparazzi again" "you do not drive to work?" "Not always, it's not too far and sometimes a walk is good" I nodded "it is, I really ahh, should do more, take in ahh, some fresh air" "well whenever you want to go for a walk, I'd be more than happy to join you" "thank you and ahh, for dinner too" "dana" I knew what he was going to say just by the way he said my name "sorry" Lochie chuckled "it's fine and I will be doing the dishes" "no, no you have ahh, done enough" "please just let me help, you can rest or do whatever you need to do" "okay tha.. oh nevermind"