Unimpressed

3

 I recently started doing comedy as a full time gig, it's been about a week and a half. Thanks to my good friend Alastor, I am officially an established comedian and let me tell you, people, I did not expect you all to like me that much. Two weeks ago, I was still practicing among my friends and workaholic brother. Because I don't know how to people. Seriously. I may seem confident now, but if you were to peek inside the one brain cell I have left, you'd see a lot of panicking going on up there.

Nevertheless, I'm glad to be here. It's been a nerve racking but very worth it journey, so thank you to all who encouraged me to keep at it.

Enough with the mush, let's get on with the show.

If I am in a room and I've closed the door for whatever reason, that means I don't want visitors. Pretty simple right? And most of the time, I'm not even in said room for very long, maybe just ten minutes or so, doing something really simple and uninteresting. Logic tells me that there's no reason for anyone to feel the need to want to be in the room I'm in. I'm boring, people, I don't do much. If I had a spirit animal, it would probably be a sloth that hasn't moved from the same spot in three months, okay. So why is it that whenever I'm in a room and I've closed the door, indicating that visitors are not welcome, everybody and their mother suddenly needs me?

This happens to me a ridiculous amount, so I've started thinking of interesting ways to reply.

First some mild background information; I grew up in Spain and Spanish is my first language. I speak very fluent Spanish, which means I can speak Spanish very fast, to the point where if you don't know the language very well or not at all, you'll have no idea what I've just said to you. Keep this in mind.

I worked at Val's studio for a very short period of time as an acrobat. It was a side thing that I agreed to because my life was sad and boring and I needed something to do so that I wasn't randomly shanking people or blowing things up out of pure boredom. I was getting ready to perform, it was my turn. I was getting dressed and there's a sudden knock on the door of the room I'm using. I go over to the door, I open the door and there he is, just standing there. This was the third time this had happened in the span of two days, so I was starting to get irritated by it. I mean c'mon, what could you possibly need in the ten minutes it takes me to change? He would just stand there too, looking at me awkwardly and I'm over here like "Could you not, please? How about no?"

Normally I would ask if he needed anything, and if he started talking I would zone out, and if he didn't need anything I would close the door on him. He seems to like bothering me for no reason. This time, I decided I was going to be a smart alec about it so I said "Hola señor. ¿Estaría interesado en comprar la muerte hoy?" which means "Hello sir, would you be interested in purchasing death today?" and I said it fast. He looks at me like I've gone crazy. Obviously having a Spanish sounding name doesn't mean he can speak my lingo. He blinks in confusion, looks away and then looks back at me, who's expectantly waiting for an answer on my sales proposal and says "What the hell did you just say to me?"

I figured that it'd probably been a mistake to speak rapid fire Spanish to someone who doesn't know the language. He must've thought I swore at him or something. So I did the smart thing and said "¿Qué? ¡No hablo ingles!" and I slammed the door in his face. That means "What? I don't speak English!". Which was both a lie and a dumb thing to say, because we both know that I speak English. It's in fact less known that I can speak two languages, and I only ever speak English to Val. Yeah, I'm not always the smartest person.

I think he was too shocked to be pissed, so after a few seconds of exasperated mumbling to himself, questioning why he hired me, he walked away. And I counted that as a victory. And I went out, I did my thing, and he said nothing to me. He came up to me afterwards briefly and told me I did a nice job. I just nodded instead of using my words, but I think he thought I was going to start speaking rapid fire Spanish again. Shortly after, I stopped working there because obviously I wanted to start doing this instead. So I did. It was a good experience, a good reawakening of my very air-borne past, but not exactly my cup of tea anymore, and why would I keep doing it if I didn't want to, y'know? There will always be a special place in my heart for asking Val if he wants to buy death.

Anyway, my lovely little oodalolies, that is the end of today's story time! Come again to hear more about my less than normal life if you want to. Or not, I don't care, it's your life. Do whatever the heck you want. This is Alaska Wayde at Unimpressed Studios, and I will talk to you all soon!

-End of broadcast-