Unimpressed

12

Today I'm ranting about emotions, because emotions suck. They really do, I'm not even kidding. Maybe some of you even know what I'm talking about, but allow me to explain first.

I'm a very broken person. Shocker, I know right? I've been through crap that damaged my body and mind and now I'm messed up. Because of that, my emotions are messed up too. And I'm talking big time. Some of them, like anger and panic, are blown way out of the water and tend to get extremely out of hand if not dealt with immediately. Others are missing, like feelings of romantic affection towards others. Yeah, guys, I have trouble falling in love, I'm a lonely loser. Get over it. It's not even what I'm explaining first so stick around if you wanna hear it. First strong emotion: Anger. How fun.

I think it's pretty standard for most demons that are somewhere on the power scale to have a calmer form and a "Don't mess with me for I am the wrath of angels" form, also known as a full form. I could be wrong, but if not I fall into that category. I can either be the short nervous wreck that I am most of the time or I can tower over you expressionlessly with murderous intent. And you'll know when I'm meaning harm when you see that look in my eyes, that's very important to note. I go through periods of complete insanity and it's triggered by strong emotions, such as anger, betrayal, you get the point. It's not pretty. I've been told it's actually rather scary, so don't mess with me, I will not hesitate to snap you in half like a toothpick. When I'm angry at someone, they become the top of my hitlist. Keep that in mind if you're wanting to catch me in a fight.

The other strong emotion, panic, is something that happens more frequently than anger, and that's mostly triggered by my anxiety and PTSD. More so the anxiety. When crap goes down, I'm frantic. When that happens, I'll glitch more than usual, my voice changes and sounds like garbled static, I'm practically completely charged up electricity and sometimes if it's bad enough my body shuts down. I pass out. The freaky part is that it seems like I'm dying, because my heart rate and breathing rates go down. Trust me, I'm not. It's a thing called "sensory overload" and it's how I recover from panic attacks. It's actually a good thing, but it could potentially put me in a coma, so to wake me up I have to be electrocuted. Yeah. Great right? I love being electrocuted because my brain and body both hate me.

Enough about that, you're here to hear about the spicy part, which happens to be the missing emotion; or, rather, was the missing emotion. Romantic crap. Ick.

When I first discovered that this particular emotion was missing, I didn't care. At all. I'd spent years in an abusive relationship with my first girlfriend, and when I was finally free I promised myself that I wasn't going to give anyone else the same opportunity. Abuse had been the story for me for so long and I was sick of it. So I withdrew, and I was very careful about who I trusted. With that feeling gone, I didn't have to worry about contemplating who to trust as a romantic partner because I didn't feel like I needed one. That began to be a bit of a problem as the days wore on. Even though it was gone, I still remembered what that particular kind of love felt like, as the situation with my girlfriend hadn't always been toxic. But, as that memory faded more and more, I started forgetting and it didn't help that the world around me kept showing me that kind of love for other people and what it meant for them, how happy they were or seemed to be. And it started leaving a hole in me where that once was.

I wasn't going to tell anyone about this, because I figured I'd be less of a burden if I kept it to myself. Who cares if I'm missing some of my emotions, y'know? It's not their problem. Why should crap that's happening in my head matter to them? So I didn't bother anyone about it. I kept quiet, and for a while it worked. I hid the emptiness and I did it quite well, but you can only carry that heavy a thing on your shoulders for so long. Eventually it will come through and that's exactly how it happened for me. Someone noticed that I wasn't okay, and that someone was a very good friend of mine. I've named this friend before but for this sake, since this is a more serious topic, I won't name anyone.

I don't know how long they'd known or suspected that something was up, but after a few days they confronted me about it. I trust this person, yes, and it had been hard for me to trust them for the longest time, but they'd never done anything to hurt me that I hadn't rebounded from, so I let my guard down and told them that I didn't remember what romantic love felt like. Loving someone as a friend? I tell my best friend that I love him all the time. Motherly love? Of course! I have two kids for crying out loud, I love them with everything I have in me. Being in love with another person, however, was now something so strange and foreign to me that I couldn't understand it. So, this friend agreed to help me figure it out, as they always do when I have a problem.

We tried everything. We even went to Val for help, but not even he, with all his expertise and dumb tricks he pulled did anything for me. I mean, my right eye was pink with a freaking heart where my X shaped pupil should be for a couple days, which I hated with a passion, but I felt no different, so we were back in square one. So we had to give up. It wasn't over, but they figured that if even Val's power couldn't awaken the feeling then it really was missing and I'd have to wait for the right time and person to replace it. And I accepted that answer and moved on with my life for a time. I had other things to worry about, other things happening around me that I could be paying attention to. I sucked it up and dealt with it, actually forgot about the whole thing for a little while.

And then my daughter, Jamie came around, and it changed everything. I'm still not going to say any names, but few of you should know what I'm referring to here.

With Jamie in our lives, we began to get closer to each other. Since Jamie adores us both, spending time with her became a regular thing because we love being with her too, and in turn, I was spending more and more time around my friend. We became more comfortable being around each other and I felt myself beginning to loosen the vise like grip I had on myself and my feelings. I started remembering what love was and meant. I'll admit it; I was really starting to like them a lot. More than I probably should have, I thought at one point. I had no plans to tell them this.

Well that plan was all blown to pieces. They have an uncanny way of getting me to tell them things, so after a few days I ended up telling them. They said that my dreams may come true in time, which gave no frickin clue as to what they felt on the subject. But, as I trusted their word, I didn't give up on them. And in time, I think good will come from this.

Well, there you have it, I dunno what you expected, but here it is. You're listening to Unimpressed Studios with your host Alaska Wayde. See you all again soon lovelies!

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