Words And Secrets

Shiva and Pārvati

In a mundane world
Of illusionary pleasures
I search for Chandrasekhara
I try to become Artha.

And how deep of you, O Shiva
To fill even my dreams with the mundane and unrealistic
And among them all, hide a precious little moment
To cherish.

I saw a dream, my fellow friends
But I am afraid to tell you all its intensity
For, even if for a fickle moment
I had seen Him.

And even if for a fickle moment,
I knew I was accepted.

My dream– full of celebrities of various nations
And other stuff; I don't know how they came,
I don't mind to dig deeper in them
Except that they are the foolish fame
Which comes between me and my God
I don't desire that.

Somehow, I can feel myself in my dream
Thinking, how bad I have been
My hands had tasted many vices
Various sins I committed with my mind and body
So, I was impure.
Will I ever be able to become Pārvati?

Now here, my friends
I know not how
In my dream I had such an ambitious thought
Is it not more ambitious than desiring money?
Or is it even more devoted to its cause?
Whatever it be, it is beautiful indeed
And beauty is a blessing indeed.

So back to my dream– I then thought
That I am going through so much
That I am trying to be a virtuous woman from a sinner
So that in future, when I become Pārvati
I shall be able to understand such twisted souls, as I am now
And guide them towards Liberation
For no one must be left behind...

And then the impossible happens
(Thus not impossible, maybe?)
There was a dark, stormy sky I believe
I had wished to be one with Him
And then, in a swift change of scene
I was, with Him.

My friends, what startled me the most
Is the fact that I knew it was me,
Yet, that girl did not look like my present self
As if I had taken a different body while I was...
In his embrace?

I was confused...how would you expect me to behave?
To know that in a matter of seconds I was beside him, in his embrace?
It started me, it surprised me
My hands covered my lips, as if I was intending to bite my nails.

I don't remember his face
But his body, I do a bit
He was fair, very fair and white
With a tint of shabby green on his body
I was leaning on his chest
My head rested over his body.

Oh, let me tell you all how I looked
My face was rounder, than it is now, I believe
And I had a bun on my head, around which were flowers, possibly tuberoses
My eyebrows were thick as now
But more rounded than being straight
My eyes were big as usual
But little in length
Twinkling black irises
And a cute expression on my face!
I had a red bindi on my forehead
And a saree I had draped
With a red border over white fabric
And maybe a little golden here and there?

This is, how I looked.
Now let me tell you about Him.

As I said, fair very fair
With a tint of shabby green
And a thick snake coiled around his neck
Believe me, I was so close to death!
I was so afraid of the snake
But it just saw me leaning over him
Maybe it hissed a welcome, or anything
But it didn't harm me
After all Pārvati, I had been.

He had a bun too...a thicker one
Tied with a rudraksha mala
But his face I cannot remember
His chest I do though...
Fair and smooth,
Like in a dream...

Oh, that was a dream
And maybe all Gods are handsome
But even if I don't remember his face well enough
I know, he the most handsome! Handsomest boy of mine.

Mine...?

I quivered...I knew
I knew he had long, elongated eyes
I don't remember his face though

And then, I thought of the next impossible
In my dream.

As if, dreams are meant to be break the impossible into possible.

Oh my...just don't laugh at me.

Please.

Being Kāma, I just desired...
To kiss him on the lips?

And oh no, the next moment in my dream
I was full of thoughts
Of how this could be a sin
Or is this even acceptable
Should I do this?
Will he be upset?

He smiled. And no, not an innocent one...
Think about this– you stole some butter, like Krishna
And while you thought there was no witness
Turning back you see your mother
Smiling, smirking
That smile....yes! That's the smile!

Which was plastered on Shiva's face...
Yes...
He came closer
He could read my thoughts, of course
My hands were still over my lips
I was shocked, nervous, what not...

And then, the scene changed.

I woke up at one instance.

Again, it felt empty. So empty
Even now, it does feel like a void.

I was so in the moment
And I realised this little moment of ours
Was just a little part of the dream. A dream filled with other nonsensical stuff.

Now, I just wish to go back
And have a dream where
It is only us, and no one else
Nothing else
(Don't say Shiva, that you are Nothing. No twisting words)
And even if I don't get to see your arms around me...
Let me at least feel your presence
Wholeheartedly
So that when I wake up,
I don't feel empty.

Why does Maa play Achyutam Keshavam Krishna Damodaram for a moment?

Oh, maybe because we are talking about Prema here.
Prema for the Supreme.

And next time when you come
Can I see your face?
And feel it, memorise it
Even if for a little moment?

****

Well, so this is what happened.

I did think later, when I woke up, how any kind of union with God, physical or emotional, is always divine and leads to spiritual union when in completion.

But again, I do feel afraid and doubtful... reflecting the demons I have seen in society...

I just wish to...see Him once again, and maybe every time...