The Suburbs

Chapter thirty-five

"I think I met your friend last night by the way." Alex says, probably to fill the silences in the car.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. The stray cat you were talking about."

"Oh!" I giggle.

"She was scratching at the door so I left her a bit of tuna and water. She's cute."

"Yeah she is. She's great company." I smile.

Neither one of us has mentioned last night, which was fine but now that we are heading back home again, I'm really starting to feel awkward.

We got up early and pretty much hit the road straight away, Alex was a little reluctant to shop for anything, I think he was a little embarrassed that he doesn't have much money these days and was probably trying to keep it polite too. But I happily took the lead and helped him get a few pairs of jeans, t shirts, jumpers, hygiene stuff, pretty much all the basics. He kept thanking me and I know he is grateful. I feel like it's the right thing to help him, but I worry deep down that he is hoping for more and the last thing I want to do is to lead him on or hurt his feelings.

"Who's that?" Alex asks, pointing to my phone in the holder next to the steering wheel.

I instantly notice that it's another phone call coming through from Jacob, I missed two of his calls earlier whilst we were in the shops and I know I really need to answer it and let him know I'm fine but I feel too uncomfortable to talk to him in front of Alex.

I won't be able to keep everything a secret for much longer and it's best all round if I at least let Alex know that I'm not available for a relationship.

"About last night..." I randomly say like word vomit. I wasn't actually ready to talk, it just came out. I'm not even sure what to say next and now I'm awkwardly stuttering.

"I know." Alex interrupts, almost as if to reassure me.
"I shouldn't have said that. The last thing I want is for things to get weird between us. I'm sorry."

"Thank you." I sigh with relief. I'm pleased he said that because hopefully now the rest will be easier to explain.
It would be easy to leave the conversation here but I know I have to be a bit more open with him, he needs to know what absolutely nothing can or will happen between us.

"Alex, the guy on my phone just now is somebody I'm seeing." I say as a swarm of butterflies fill my stomach and not in a good way. I suddenly feel like I do when I'm about to get in the dentist chair; sick, nervous and filled with dread. This is definitely a discussion I never thought I'd be having with my
Ex-husband.

Alex doesn't respond much. He continues staring out the windscreen and into the distance as if he is processing what I said. I can understand that the news might be bringing him mixed emotions and perhaps he isn't sure what to say but my god, the silence is brutal.

"I thought you should know because I wouldn't want us to get our wires crossed over what is happening here. We can only be friends now." I follow up with. I probably don't need to say anything and I could just be making it worse for him but I tend to babble when I'm nervous.

"That was a bit quick." He speaks up, bluntly.

Oh god. Just hearing his tone of voice has made this hundred times more awkward.

"It happened a lot quicker than I ever imagined it too." I say softly, trying to reason with him.
"I honestly thought it would just be me and the stray cat for the next ten years. But sometimes things just happen, unexpectedly, don't they?"

Alex sharply exhales in a way that lets me know he is pissed off and shakes his head in disbelief.

"Who is he then?" He asks, begrudgingly.

Shit. I can't say who he is. I can't let him know it's my neighbour, it'll only make him feel worse. Plus, I'm not exactly proud of it. I don't have to tell him everything. At this point he should just appreciate that I'm choosing to even be this open with him. I'm surely entitled to keep the rest to myself.

"He's someone I met through work. A new guy, so you wouldn't have ever met him." I say, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

"Oh. Okay, well you deserve to be happy." He responds, his words a lot less harsh than before.
"It is what it is."

"Thank you...Alex. I appreciate that, I really do. I don't want to hurt you, I just needed to be honest."

"Yep. And you've done that. But if you don't mind, I'd rather we changed the subject, respectfully."

I nod sympathetically but absolutely no new topic of conversation springs to mind. Instead all I can think about is how awkward the rest of my evening is going to be. I thought he was okay but the way he said the last word made it clear he is hurt inside.
Which is the last thing I wanted to do.

I feel like we could probably do with a little space apart. I could sit upstairs in my bedroom for a couple of hours but I think that would only make it so obvious and worse than it is now.

"Why don't I drop you back and I'll go to the supermarket and get us dinner?" I suggest, forcing a casual approach.

"Sure." Alex simply nods.

"Cool. Any requests?"

"I used to love it when you made homemade ravioli. It was probably one of my favourite dishes you ever cooked. Could we have that? If it's not too much?" He asks me with a downcast look in his eyes.

"Of course!" I say a little too enthusiastically, but I'm really trying to cheer him up.

"Thanks. To be honest I'm glad to be going back to yours for a while anyway. I'm feeling really tired, I might have a little lay down whilst you're out."

"Oh yeah, that's understandable. You should definitely get some rest and I'll go and pick up the ingredients. If you're asleep when I get back I'll just wake you up when dinners ready."

"Thank you Mia. I appreciate all you've done and as soon as I can I'll be out of your hair and leave you to live your life." He says quietly, just as we pull up to the front of my house.

"I can still be your friend and help you for as long as you need me too." I say, trying to sound positive and encouraging as Alex reaches for the car door to get out.

He doesn't say much more but just nods gratefully although I can clearly see the dejected look in his face. I know I shouldn't, but I feel horrendously guilty.

Maybe having him here wasn't the best idea after all,
Maybe our lives are just too different now. They always say don't they that when a couple break up there's always one who wasn't quite ready for it to end. I think this may have been too soon for Alex, as much as he needed someone to help, as much as he needed me, I worry it's going to do more harm than good.