The Suburbs

Chapter thirty-six

"Hey." I say shyly with my phone anxiously pressed against my ear.

"What is going on? Where have you been?" Jacob responds in a concerned but almost possessive manner.

"I had to take my cousin shopping today, he had hardly any belongings with him."

"And you couldn't answer my phone calls in front of him?" Jacob fires back, irritation thick in his voice.

"I, I didn't hear it." I stutter anxiously. I can feel myself growing more tangled in this web of lies I have created for myself and I hate it.

"Why the fuck are you lying to me, Mia?"

"Huh? About what?"

"About the fucking for sale sign that has gone up at the front of your house, that's why I was trying to ring. To find what is going on. Why didn't you tell me? I don't understand!" He growls angrily but the emotion strains his voice and somehow, I can picture how upset he is.

Fuck, I didn't even notice any sign when I dropped Alex off and I totally forgot that I even made those plans. I have been so caught up with the on and off relationship between Jacob and I that I completely buried any thought of me leaving.

"Jacob, I can explain all of that." I say, trying to speak over him.

"I think it tells me everything I need to know, Mia. I can't fucking believe you! I'm about to leave my wife and you're planning on packing up and moving away without even telling me?! What the fuck!" He explodes.

"Jacob- I..."

"Fuck this, we were supposed to be a team."

"We are! Jacob, I promise we are. I had a wobble and I just thought..."

"No, no don't you dare try to justify it like that!" Jacob interrupts.

"A wobble is maybe panicking and needing me to reassure you, a wobble is not putting your fucking house up for sale and leaving me!"

"Okay, okay...it was more than a wobble. I got scared, I am scared. I'm scared of all of this Jacob. I'm scared that I played this dangerous game and now I'm in too deep. People are going to get hurt and I'm scared!" I scream as tears spill from my eyes just like my anxieties are spilling over in this conversation.

"You can't just put the water works on, Mia. Imagine how my morning has been and you couldn't even be bothered to answer a call."

"I'm sorry, you're right. I didn't think..." I wipe the tears and try to plead with him to understand that I really didn't mean to hurt him.

"I'm done, Mia, I am fucking done. I'm sorry too. I knew I wasn't cut out for this bullshit. Too many feelings make life way too hard. I was better off the way I was. I'm better off not feeling this bullshit way for people."

"You don't mean that? I'm not going anywhere, Jacob. I promise you."

"How can I believe that now? I'm done. I'm so done." He mutters disappointedly before the phone line goes dead.

I can instantly feel a migraine coming on, how have I let his happen.

I can't imagine how confused and hurt I would feel if I thought he was suddenly leaving me and keeping secrets, but I do wish he would let me explain a bit more. Maybe I could have helped him to see my thought process. I feel so stupid now though. Why couldn't I have just remembered to phone the estate agents and pull out of everything. How could I let something so important slip my mind?

I'm shaking sitting in the car. I just want to drive straight to Jacob's house now and explain how I was feeling at the time but assure him that the way I feel now is different. I want to tell him how strong my feelings are for him. I want to make him see that I am in this for the long haul. Then he'd wrap his arms around me tightly and just be with me. He'd forgive me and kiss me and hold me. I need that desperately right now, but I won't go to his house, not yet. I have to give him space to calm down first and then maybe, hopefully, I can talk to him tomorrow.

I feel so fed up walking around the supermarket, I can barely concentrate on what ingredients I need but I take my time. I'm in no rush to get back home right now. Alex will probably be asleep anyway and to be honest I am enjoying the space.

I peruse the beauty isle a bit longer than usual. I think I'll give myself a little pamper tonight and have a long soak in the tub before heading off for an early night. I throw some products into the trolley without really seeing what they are beforehand, but they look decent enough. I'll welcome anything that can help me out of this shitty mood I'm now in.

I painfully avoid the ice-cream isle like the plague, I can't keep turning to ben and jerry's every time I'm feeling this glum, I'll end up with back rolls by next month otherwise. 

By the time I load up the car with my shopping and begin my drive home its pretty much dark and getting cold again. I'm looking forward to my bubble bath, I'm pretty sure it's the only thing that will help ease my migraine.

As I pull into our little cul-de-sac, I subtly glance over towards Jacob's house. Most of the lights are off apart from the one in his study. I guess he is catching up on some work. The window of his study brings back instant memories though of our first ever passionate encounter. I love the memory and it makes me smile but its bittersweet, the thought gives me both butterflies and pain. I miss him already.

"There she is!" Alex loudly booms down the hallway as I walk through the front door.

I know. Instantly, I know. He's drunk. The house looks a little untidy and music blares from the speaker in the kitchen. His eyes are gazed, and they look unkind. Just like they used to when we were married, and he drank too much and spent the night drunkenly yelling at me about how everything in his life that had gone wrong was down to me. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

"Alex? Are you drunk?" I ask, despite knowing the answer.

"I've poured you a glass! Come drink with me Mia, let's cheers to your new relationship." He says in a way that makes me feel on edge.

Another fuck up of mine. I forgot to hide the alcohol. As soon as I step into the kitchen, I quickly spot that my bottle of vodka is empty, and he has already moved onto the red wine.

"Alex...You shouldn't be drinking." I say and grab the bottle of wine from the counter.

I drop the shopping bags on the floor and head over to the sink to tip the rest of the wine away, but he quickly steps in front of me and snatches the bottle out of my hand.

Instead he takes a glass of red wine from the counter and hands it to me.

"Where were we? Oh yeah, cheers to...What's his name?" He smirks but his eyes are filled with hatred.

"It's not important! Alex, you are supposed to be sober. You can't drink in my house."

"Okay...I won't drink another drop if you promise to stop whoring yourself about, deal?"

"You're being pathetic!" I snap.

"I'm not talking to you like this, go and sleep it off."

I grab the shopping bags and begin piling away everything into the fridge and cupboards, I do my best to manoeuvre around the kitchen without making eye contact with him.

I can't allow myself to get drawn into some head to head petty argument.

"Come on, one drink...for old time's sake?" He slurs as he pushes the glass of wine back into my hand. I only take it to stop him from spilling it everywhere.

"I have a migraine Alex. I just want a bath and bed. I'm not doing this with you. Sleep it off." I say with authority, but inside I'm becoming scared of him.

His look is colder than I have ever seen it before, and I can't see him letting this go.

"Okay, fine." He eventually says after staring at me for the longest time.

"How about one fuck...for old time's sake?"

His eyes darken as he takes a step towards me, backing me into the wall. Somehow, he looks bigger, taller than before. His shoulders have tensed up and broadened as he takes another step towards me.

"Take your clothes off, Mia."