The Suburbs

Chapter twenty-seven

I'm not usually a light sleeper but I'm awoken in what seems to be the middle of the night by a car door slamming just outside of my window. I tap my phone screen to see that it's almost five in the morning; it must be Elle leaving for the airport.

I tip toe carefully across the room and peer out of the window just in time to see the taxi driver close the door behind her and drive away.

Watching her taxi disappear into the night and knowing that Jacob is free to be with me for the entire weekend only makes me happy for a split second before the guilt washes over me.

Elle has no idea what she's driving away from. She thinks she's just going on a girlie weekend and she's probably very excited, but she has no clue of what's about to happen. She has no idea that her husband has invited me to spend the weekend with him and that I've accepted. She has no idea that it's all I have been thinking about these last few days. Whilst she was packing her bags, I was waxing my legs and sprucing myself up because I wanted to be as beautiful as I could be for the man that she is married too.

Is this really the person you want to be Mia?

Here we go, the thickness is back to taking over my throat and my eyes are spilling with tears.
I hate it when I go back and forth over Jacob, because I know in my heart that I genuinely feel something for him. Something that I didn't have before, but it's not mine.

Images of Alex laid up in his hospital bed now take over my mind and I start to feel like that I may be the problem here. The evidence would suggest that I'm leaving a trail of destruction wherever I go and now it looks as though I'm starting to do it all over again.

My divorce to Alex pushed him over the edge and he couldn't cope anymore. And now I'm somebody's affair. I'm the reason why Elle's heart will break. I'll be the reason why people will hate me for coming in between them both. I'll be the reason why Jacob will no doubt have a huge ugly divorce battle on his hands. I'll be the reason why his family will be hugely disappointed that he ran off with some sports writer with no status or well-known family and but above all else I'm becoming the reason why I hate myself.

The messes of my life become crystal clear. Everything around me is so difficult and it's all my fault.

I don't want to lose Jacob but I don't want to be in love like this.

I have the idea to do something that I haven't done in probably ten years or so. I pull out a spare journal from the box under my bed and I let everything that's whirling around my head spill out onto the paper instead.

I write about how much I miss my dad, I write about Alex and how I desperately want him to bounce back and find some real happiness. I write about how much I wish I was in whichever exotic country my mum is currently in because this life I have created is scaring me. I would run from it if I could.

One minute I'm fantasising about talking to Jacob until the sun comes up and now I'm ready to walk away from everything. I'm not sure if it's seeing Alex so broken or watching Elle drive away so oblivious to what's happening, but something in me has suddenly connected and now I can see it all so clearly.

But walking away from Jacob won't be easy. I know it won't. The second I'm in the same room as him I lose all control. I get so consumed by him. By the way he talks to me, the way he dresses, especially the way his white t-shirts cling to him. I get lost tracing the tattoos on his arms. And each time he looks into my eyes, I know all my feelings are only getting stronger. Everything about him consumes me.

Today I know exactly what I must do and I'm determined to do it and change everything for the better. It's a relief to see that the skies are slowly getting lighter, it won't be long before I can get out of the house and make a start.

On a fresh page of my journal I start making notes of things I need to do.
I scribble down a little list of things I'll need to get to accommodate Alex for a few days. An extra duvet set; he can take my bed and I'll sleep on the sofa. I'll also pick up a few essentials for him like aftershave and a toothbrush and all the necessities he probably hasn't got with him.

I add some notes for the supermarket, I'll try and get Alex some of his favourite foods, hopefully it brings him some comfort. I don't want to write it down but I make a mental note to hide any bottles of wine or vodka that I have left around the house. It's important he stays sober and I need to do everything I can to support that.

Reluctantly, I make my last note and I fight back the tears as my pen touches the paper. I note down the phone number for the estate agents. Today I'm going to put my beautiful forever home back onto the market. I have no choice. I can't live here and be certain that I'll never cross the line with Jacob again and I definitely can't watch him be with Elle for the rest of our lives. I just can't. My heart feels broken enough without adding salt to the wound. I need a clean break, we both do.

Even if I don't fully see it now, I will one day. And I'm sure he will too, hopefully. I'll thank myself for being as strong as I'm being right now.

My head feels clearer already just by writing everything down and making my plan. I lay back on my bed and plug in my headphones, music has always been a comfort when I need it the most.

When I hit play, the first song on my list is Skinny Love by Birdie. It's a slow tempo song with lyrics that I can get lost in. I almost skip it to avoid growing more emotional, but instead I decide that it's okay to embrace the pain. It's okay to grieve for what could have been.

I close my eyes to escape but all I see is him. I squeeze my pillow tight as the words play gently.

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?