The Suburbs

Chapter fifteen

"Where's Alex?" Gran asks again, when I finally return to my seat.

Why did Sara have to put all that doubt in my mind, an hour ago I couldn't stop smiling and now I'm worried and doubting the way Jacob feels about me.

"Is Alex parking the car?"

I mean, it's one thing if we met and fell in love, but a whole different story if we are just having some seedy affair. I know what I have done so far is hardly romantic, it's definitely more seedy, but that's because I thought we was having fun to start with. I wanted to create some excitement.

"I can't wait to have a catch up with Alex, is he coming now Mia? He can sit next to me if he likes?"

I don't know how I feel about potentially being the other woman. I don't expect Jacob to go packing bags right this second. But maybe at some point he should be planning that in, right?

"Mia? Where's your husband?"

"He's not my fucking husband, Gran!" I snap and regret it instantly. Oh god, I just shouted at my eighty-seven year old Gran. Please can the ground swallow me now.

I look up to see my Gran's shocked face as she stares timidly in my direction. Unsure of what to do next, she takes a sip of her sherry and doesn't ask me another thing. I feel like the smallest person in the world.

"Gran...Gran, listen to me. I am not with Alex anymore. I'm sorry if that upsets you." I say as clearly and as loudly as I can.

"Why would that upset me?"

"Because, because I know you loved him."

"Well, yes. But not as much as I love you." She responds. Making me feel even more like the biggest twat on the planet.

I feel tears stinging my eyes at her soft kind words. Never in my entire life have I ever raised my voice at my Gran and I am so ashamed of myself to of done it now. I swallow hard and try to get rid of the horrible lump that's gathered in my throat. I don't want to be here anymore. All I can think of is diving in my bed and being alone.

"Gran...I'm so sorry. I haven't been myself." I say and she nods as if she understands. I wouldn't expect anything less. She is so kind and I'm just a huge knobhead.
"I'm going to go home. I'm not feeling well. I love you, Gran."

I lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek. She embraces me with a cuddle and I have to work even harder to hide my emotions. I ponder for a second about whether I should say goodbye to Sara first, after all, it's the polite thing to do but I can see her smiling brightly on the dance floor with her arms draped around her new husband and I just can't bring myself to walk over there.

My chest feels heavy with sadness and I just want to curl up in bed with a good book or shove my headphones in and fall asleep listening to good music. I dodge most distant family members to save myself from the excruciating pain of small talk. Thankfully, I'm out of there fairly unnoticed and I make a beeline for my Lexus. Once in the safety of my car I can finally let out a big sigh. Like the relief of when you take a tight corset off, I feel like I can breathe.

I'm grateful that the traffic is light and I make it home in around an hour and a half. Not too bad. As I pull into our car-de-sac, I notice most of the lights are on in Jacob's house. I picture him and Elle drinking wine and laughing together. I don't know why because I know that that's not how they are together. But suddenly I'm doubting everything since Sara's polite warning.
The bottom line is, they live their together and they're still married and I don't know how long for. What if it's years until Jacob leaves her? Would I wait for him? Would I actually put my own life on hold? I shudder at the thought. I couldn't do that to myself, I wouldn't.

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. It's Elle. She's sitting on my doorstep, head resting on her palm looking either pissed off or very bored. Shit what if she knows already? Would Jacob have told her without warning me? I'm not sure he would have but maybe it just came out? Maybe they were arguing and he just happened to let slip that we've been messing around?
I park the car and try to act as casual as possible.

"Mia! Finally! I thought I was going to be to sat here all night! Shit...you look incredible darling!" She jeers and I spot the red wine in her other hand.

Ah, she's wasted. I can't deal with a drunk Elle right now. I just want my bed.

"I brought a bottle over. Shall we have a drink and a catch up. I'm still raging over Jacob breaking up MY party..."

"Actually Elle..." I impatiently interrupt.
"I have a huge migraine. I'm sorry, but I think it's best I just sleep this one off."

"Oh." She squeaks taken aback.
"Um...what should I do?"

"I don't know? Go home and have an early night?"

I hate the fact she looks so disappointed and uncertain of what to do with herself. I hate that she feels so lost. Great. More guilt.

"Ok. I'll see you another time then."

"Elle...wait..." I call after her.
"Why don't you come over tomorrow around seven? I'll cook dinner and we can talk then."

"Yes! That'll be lovely." She smiles and her disappointment fades away. But my guilt doesn't.

It's awkward as hell being her friend now. At first I felt in control and as if I knew what I was doing but now I'm not so sure on anything.

"Night Elle." I mumble before putting my key in the lock and hiding away in my home.

I go to the kitchen straight away and start making myself a cup of hot chocolate. I don't really know why, either. It's not something I drink very often but I feel like I need comforting and I remember how my Dad used to make this for me when I was little. If I ever fell off my bike and scraped my knee or something similar, he'd tell me he would make me a special hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows and promise me it was magic and it will make me feel better. It always did too.

As if she knew, I see Puss at the door scratching to come in. Somehow this little cat always seems to appear when I'm having a particularly bad day. I let her in without hesitation and lock the door behind us as she races up behind me and into my bedroom.

She has no reservations about jumping on my bed and getting her self comfortable, I love how confident and friendly she, it really makes me smile.

I can't even be bothered tonight to take off my make up, or brush out my hair. Instead, I literally strip down to my underwear, leave my clothes scattered on the floor and climb into bed.

Puss instantly creeps up the bed closer to me and snuggles her head against my chin. Her purring is so loud, it's actually quite therapeutic.
I feel a tear fall from the corner of my eye and drop onto my pillow. I just feel like the worlds shittiest person and I'm not sure what to do next. My heart and my head are in conflict and I feel at such a loss.

I lay and stare at the ceiling as thoughts invade my mind, mostly negative thoughts that just make me feel worse. Gran's face pops into my thoughts and I feel so guilty it's almost unbearable. My chin wobbles and I feel more tears watering my eyes. Everything is just so messed up now. It's so crazy how I married Alex, spent years with him and yet I have felt more excitement in the short time I have known Jacob. Makes me wonder how many people in the world are married but unhappy. Maybe they don't know they're unhappy, especially if they have nothing to compare it too. But now I've met Jacob, I realise I'm feeling things I had never felt before.

"Night, Puss." I whisper before turning my lamp out and pulling my duvet up high to hide my face. I don't think it'll be easy to fall asleep with all these worries rushing around my mind, but I have to try.