The Suburbs

Chapter seven

The heat from the water beats down on my back, it hurts but I do nothing about it. I sit huddled on the floor of my shower with my knees tucked up against my chest, allowing the hot water to wash away my guilt. Well, at least I hope that's what it'll do. How could I be so stupid?

I have been married, I have taken my vowels, I understand the sanctity of marriage and yet I have given in to some stupid temptation and massively let myself down.
I cringe at the flashbacks of the woman I was just moments ago, taking off my night dress in front Jacob in the seductive way I did. I am pathetic. Where did I honestly think this was going to go? What did I expect to gain from it?
I am so embarrassed and all I can think about is Elle and what if Jacob tells her. He probably will, she's his wife, he will probably want to come clean, he'll tell her how I was trying to arouse him through a fucking window. She'll hate me, then word will spread and my little neighbourhood will all think I'm some disgusting home wrecker.
I'm so mad at my actions, it's almost as if I'm punishing myself by continuing to let the hot water sting my back.

I felt something with Jacob though, a spark of some kind. He made my heart race. Each time he looked at me I felt completely captivated by him, every time he asked me a question the other night I just wanted my answer to be good enough to impress him. I haven't felt like that before, not even with Alex.
The thought doesn't make me feel much better though, it's no justification and I still majorly overstepped a line. I can't even believe I done it. In my whole life I have never done something like that with such confidence and provocativeness. It's a side of me I didn't even realise I had.
I don't know what came over me. I really don't, but I know I need to fix it, somehow.

By the time I finally manage to pick myself up from the shower floor, I notice it's nearly midnight and oddly Jacob's car still isn't back in the driveway where it usually is. I can't see Elle's car either.
I stare curiously at their house, no sign of life at all. I wonder what has happened.
I have to actively stop my mind from racing wildly to reasons why he might have rushed off like that. I don't want to worry myself even more, I'm already starting to feel sick.

I lost myself in that moment but now I'm back in reality and my reality is that I'm single, he is successful, married to a beautiful woman in a fabulous home and I'm just me, newly divorced, lonely, pathetic and spending my evenings talking to the local stray cat.
All I want to do now is switch off and fall asleep but my long nap earlier has prevented any chances of that.

Instead I sit by my bedroom window with a glass of wine and just wallow in the dark feeling sorry for myself. The wine goes down nicely, I tell myself I'm not drinking to numb the embarrassment of tonight's antics but I think it's clear with how quickly I'm knocking them back that I'm on a mission.
I just want to feel good again and not like this.

By the time I swallow the last mouthful of wine from my fourth glass, I notice headlights appearing out of the corner of my eye. It's Jacob's car, he's back. I stare eagerly though the gap in my drapes as I desperately try to learn of what could have happened. I'm half wondering if Elle is about to come storming over the road and bang on my door, although she doesn't seem the type to be fair. She's probably far too elegant to engage in some public slanging match in the street.

What the...?
Jacob is pulling Elle out of the backseat and carrying her from the car. She looks asleep, or passed out. It's hard to tell and it's dark so I can't make out anything specific but her hair is a mess and one of her shoes is missing, she definitely doesn't look like she did when I last saw her.

I wait anxiously and pace around my bedroom. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, I'm guessing I'm hoping Jacob will turn up and we'll just laugh it all off and I'll ask if Elle is okay and I'll offer to help and try to be a good friend and everything will be fine.
But, the more time goes on the more anxious I get. I can't see much movement coming from across the street and definitely no sign of Jacob making his way to my door.