Sing Once Again With Me

I don't think I'm strong enough

The noise is deafening the screams the blast of the gun I feel Ben heavy on top of me I turn him over but can't wake him up "BEN BEN"I keep shouting but he doesn't answer he's as white as a ghost and cold so so cold oh Jesus "BEN"..............

"Lisa, Lisa darling it's OK sweetheart it's OK" I see Julie looking at me I'm sweating and shaking "Julie" I whisper "darling it was just a dream" she says to me "But Ben he was oh my God" I start crying "Lis Ben is alright darling he's asleep the doctors say he's doing OK"she tells me "where am I" I ask really not knowing where I am "we are in the hospital still they offered you a room so you could rest remember" she says and I do "what time is it" I ask her "it's gone midnight darling you should think about going home getting some proper sleep" she says "no I can't leave here I can't leave Ben" I say "Lis he will be fine and if there is any different they will call us" I look at her "Lis the kids will be missing you"she says "the kids" I say holding my hands to my face "come on why don't we head home we can come back first thing" she tells me "we can bring the kids to see Ben that would cheer him up" she suggests and I smile as Dad comes in the room his arm all strapped up giving me a sick feeling inside knowing what happened to him to Ben to Diane to Gran never mind what that madman had done to Dad which is what caused all this in the first place, punished again for the simple act of falling in love. "How are you feeling Dad" I ask Dad and he gives me a gentle smile "I'm alright babe its sore but the painkillers are helping, come on you need to get some sleep you look exhausted you really do" he tells me "I know I just want to check on Ben before I go" I tell them both

I sneak quietly into Ben's room he is sleeping soundly so I just gently walk up to him planting a tiny kiss in his forehead "Goodnight my darling I love you" I whisper to him before pulling his sheets up to cover him not wanting him to be cold wishing deep down that I could either have him at home with me or that I could jump into his bed with him and keep him warm myself like the night I had Freja how Ben had jumped into bed with me and lay next to me, like that night that I spilled my whole haunted past to him and he jumped into bed with me and just took me in his arms making me feel so safe so secure. I suddenly realized how much I relied on him and how hard this was to stand up on my own, any amount of confidence I had came through because it was always backed up by Ben he was my safety net if I fell and now I have to do it alone but I have to for the amount of times he held me and stopped me from falling I have to take care of him.

The drive home from the hospital is quiet Dad and Julie not saying much I feel so shaky so overwhelmed but I need to hold it together I have to come on Lisa. I feel so sick too did I eat today I can't remember. We pull up outside the house the Christmas lights are twinkling in the window Christ was it really still Christmas I don't know where I am or what day it is "Are you OK babe" Dad asks me "Yeah I just want to go inside Dad" I tell him "Come on then" and I get to the door and Davey opens it he looks at me with such sad and concerned eyes that cause me to just fall apart again "Oh Lis" he says to me holding out his arms "Come here gel it's alright, its alright" he gives me a big hug bringing some comfort  "Oh Davey" I sob as he hugs me a little tighter "How's our boy doing" he asks me "He.......he" I cant speak the tears just keep coming "He's alright Davey he's very weak they said but the op went well he just needs time" Dad says to him "Ginge how are you mate and the others" he asks "I'm a bit battered and bruised but I'll be fine" Dad tells him "They kept Gran in because her blood pressure wasn't stabilized after everything they wanted to keep and eye on her" Julie tells him "And Will well he's fighting on he is getting warmer so that's a good sign" she says "Lis come on inside darling" Davey says to me "here lets have your coat, everyone else has gone Mel is upstairs asleep she was shattered" he says "Are the kids OK" I ask him "They are fine babe fast asleep fed and watered" he tells me and I smile "Have you told them anything" Dad asks "No I didn't want to without asking you Lis so they just think everyone went to see Grampa" he says "Thank you Davey" I say to him "Our pleasure darling i'll pop the kettle on yeah" he says "I'll do it" I say "No you won't go on sit down" he says to me I'm too tired to argue.