It'll Never Be The Same

I Want To Stay

Reid's POV

I slowly walk back into my apartment with Derek not far behind me. I silently walk to my room and lay in bed, turning to face the wall, and letting my mind wonder. I felt the bed dip beside me and Derek's hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. I closed my eyes and felt myself slowly pull away from reality.

I wake up a few hours later with Derek laying next to me. I quietly pull myself from his arms and make my way to the kitchen, stopping by Rivers door. I move my hand to her door, placing it on the knob, slowly turning it and walking in. I sigh and move to her dresser, going through her stuff to make sure there were no drugs in there. I pulled out a bag of pills from her jewelry box on top of her dresser.

"Hey pretty boy. You're up early. Everything alright?" Derek asked from behind me.

I turned to face him. "Yeah, I just wanted to go through and remove any drugs that may be in here. I was really hoping not to find any, but unfortunately..." I trailed off, holding up the bag I found. He walked up and took them from me. I smiled and nodded, understanding that he was going to take care of them for me.

"Hey, your phone went off." He handed me my phone, walking away to dispose of the pills. I looked down at my phone and saw that River had called me. I called her back, but she didn't answer so I decided to text.

R-River S-Spencer

S: Hey, you called but I wasn't near my phone. Everything alright?

R: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about what happened last nigh now that I am of clear mind.

S: Yeah, sure. Do you want to call, text or in person?

R: If you don't mind I would like to come back home to talk to you.

S: Of course. Just text me when you are here.

R: I will. Thank you.

I put down my phone and walked over to Derek who is sitting on my bed. I look at him from the doorway before he saw I was there. I looked so sad and stressed out.

"Hey babe." I say while walking over to him.

"Hey love."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah..." he trailed off looking down at his hands. I put my hand is his, holding tightly.

"Tell me what's bothering you." I practically begged him.

"I'm just worried. I know you want to help River, but I'm worried that she is going to bring you down. I just don't want to see you in a bad place again."

"I won't do it. I swear. There is nothing I want more than to recover. I know you are worried," I reached up and pulled his chin to face me, "I love you so much, there is no way I will fuck this up again." I said letting go of his face.

"I trust you. I just want to be close to you. I know you are your own person and you can take care of yourself, but I want to protect you. I want to care for you and keep you safe." He looked at me with sad eyes.

"I understand. I know you are scared that I might relapse, but I am working hard. Just remember that I love you so much and if I feel like I am going off the deep again, I will come to you."

"Okay. I love you too." He pulled me into a hug.

I pulled away when my phone went off. I looked down and saw that River was almost here. I sighed, putting away my phone.

"River is coming over to talk for a little while." I said, Derek only nodded and stood to leave the room. Sighing, I waked into the living room to wait for River to arrive. When I hear a knock at the door, I open it and welcome River in.

"How are you doing?" I ask handing her a cup of tea, while sitting on the couch.

"I'm doing better. Thanks for asking. How are you?" She asking sipping on her tea.

"I'm okay. So what did you want to talk to me about."

"I wanted to apologize to you for what happened last night. I shouldn't have gone out to get high with him, and I definitely shouldn't have come home while high. I put you at risk for relapse and you didn't deserve that."

"Thank you for apologizing, but I want you to know that what I told you last night, I mean it. I can't have you come back if you are using. One think leads to another, and I can't deal with that right now. And I can't stop thinking, where did you get the drugs? I found the ones in your room, did you have them since you go out of rehab, or what?" I questioned.

"I got them when I got out. About a week ago, from Oli. He said he could tell that I was in a lot of pain and he wanted to help. I know I shouldn't have taken them. It was wrong, and even worse that I hid them in your house. I know I did wrong, but I want to stay. I still want to live with you and do this."

"I have to trust that you wont bring this home again. I can't risk my sobriety for you. I know that sounds terrible and rude, but I have to be honest. I can't risk my sobriety for you. I can't loose my job, and the ones that I love. I can't risk it. I don't know what we can do to change that. I don't know what you can do to earn back my trust."

"I will do anything. I mean anything to earn back your trust. I will do room checks, bag checks when I come back from going out, drug tests, and restart my 90 in 90. I will do daily check ins with you and everything else. I just want to stay."

"I need time to think about this. I don't know what to think. Are you even stable enough to do this alone? You just got out of rehab and I know that it's really hard to come back from a relapse so early after rehab."

"I don't know. I want to be, but I am still unsure if I am."

"Do you think you need to go back?"

"I don't want to. I don't want to be that person who gets out and end up right back in less than a month."

"I get that. I do, but if you aren't stable enough to do this alone, there is nothing wrong with asking for help."

"I know. I am going to stay with a friend for a while. I'll let you have time to think about me coming back. I have to go for now, I have another job interview."

"Okay. I'll let you go. Let me know when you get there so I know you are safe."

"Will do." She waved as she left. I sat back down on the couch and Derek walks in the sit next to me.

"Hotch called mw in for a case. You good here on your own."

"Honest, I don't think so. I think it would be best if I come in with you. I wont work the case but I can hang out with Garcia for the day."

"I'll let Hotch know." He said as we left for the office.

"Thank you for being honest with me." Derek smiled at me, grabbing my hand while driving off.

"Thank you for asking." We smiled at each other and drove in silence to the office.