It'll Never Be The Same

I Don't Need Help...

Reid's P.O.V

             "Then I keep your badge." Hotch says as he walks out leaving me alone in my thoughts. I look down at my hands and start crying. I never thought I'll lose my job over something so small and meaningless. I just want to forget everything. I want to forget the crash, I want to forget losing Gideon, I want to forget to seeing everything I've seen. I just want to forget. 

          I sat in the conference room for about 5 minutes thinking. As I walked into the main room I could feel all eyes on me. I kept my head down and walked to the bus stop waiting to go home. I spaced out the whole ride, I couldn't stop thinking about how i would have to go to rehab to be able to keep my job. It's not fair. Everyone has the things they do to ease the pain. Rossi, Derek, and Hotch all drink to forget. Is that any better than my meds? They help me with my pain. They help me function. They help me get through the day. I don't have a problem. Why should i have to go to rehab?

        I walk up to my apartment, stopping at the door, and shuffling through my bag trying to find my keys. I took out my bottle of pills and looked inside. I have 7 left. 7 pills to get me through. I got these pills 4 days ago with 31 pills in them. Now I only have 7 pills left. I just sighed and unlocked my door walking in. I sat my stuff down on my couch and made my way to my kitchen. I took out a cup and filled it with water, making my  way back to my living room. I take out 2 pills and pop them into my mouth. Letting out a long sigh, I sat back on my couch staring at the wall in front of me. 

                                                        **********Time Skip:6 Hours**********

        I pull myself off my couch and made my way to the bathroom. I took out my pills and dumped them into my mouth. 3 pills left. I sighed and popped them into my mouth. I waled to my room and throw myself onto my bed and passed out. 

      I woke up and looked at my clock. 4:55 am. Damn it's early. I peal myself out of my bed and walked into the kitchen. I pulled out my cup and poured myself some apple juice. Sitting at the table I pull out my notebook and began writing. I wrote about everything that came to mind. I wrote about everything from losing Gideon  to finding peace in my pills. I wrote and wrote. Before I knew it, it was 9 in the morning. I realized that I had been writing for hours and I didn't know what to do. Everything I wrote about was hard to write and even harder to read. I looked down at the notebook and began crying. Everything felt like it was falling apart. Everything in my life is falling apart around me and I don't know what to do. I'm not okay. I pulled out my phone and called Garcia. 

  "Hey pretty boy."

  "Hey...Garcia..." I cried out. 

  "Are you okay love." She asked. 

  "No. Not really."

  "What's wrong pretty boy?" 

  "I need help... I really need help.. Please Garcia... Please I need help. Please help me..."I cried loudly. 

  "Stay where you are, i'm on my way." She said and hung up. 

       I sat there holding my head and bawled my eyes out. I never felt so angry at myself. All I ever do is fuck thing up. As i'm sitting there, I began having a panic attack. One of my physical reaction to my anxiety is to hit myself. No matter what I do to try to stop it, I can't. I hear a knock on my door, but I was unable to to move or speak. I managed to let out a loud grunt hopping Garcia would hear me. 

       My front door opened and Garcia  walked in, JJ not far behind. JJ rushed over to me and held my hand stopping myself from hitting myself. It's not the first time she has had to do this. Garcia held me in her hands and combed her hands through my hair. After what felt like forever I started to calm down a bit. I looked up at Garcia and down at JJ, who was sitting on the floor in front of me. 

   "Hey pretty boy." Garcia looked down at me. 

   "Hey." I whispered. 

   "Hey Spence." JJ smiled at me and i smiled back not wanting to talk. JJ got up and got me a glass of water. I took it and stared blankly at the two of them. 

  "You said you needed help?" Garcia questioned. I was still not ready to talk or admit to anything. I knew I had a problem, but I was afraid. I let a tear escape my eye and out my head down. 

  "You have a problem Spence and it's time for you to get help." JJ said beside me.

    All I could do was nod my head as JJ and Garcia escorted me out of my apartment.  I walked to the car and sat in the back. Garcia drove and JJ sat in the passenger. All I could feel was pain and anger. I hated myself for letting this get that far. I hated myself for not getting myself the help I needed before it go this bad. We were silent the whole ride there.