It'll Never Be The Same

There Is Hope After All

Reids POV

I wake up after about 3 hours of sleep. For the first time since I was here I took a moment to think about what was happening. I thought about the people around me and the lack of things in my room. It's empty. Only my bed, a small table with a chair, a desk next to my bed, and a bookcase for my clothing. They wont let me have anything, in fear I will try to hurt myself. My mind starting going back to when I was in intake.

I sat alone in my room alone. I'm not ready to go through will this detox. I'm not ready to be clean. All I want right now is my Dilaudid. All I want is for this pain to go away. I feel so lost in the big world. I sit there with my mind racing with so many thoughts. I don't know what to do. I want to leave.

I get up and make my way to the hallway. Looking out I see that there is only one nurse at the nurses station and one down the hall at the door. I decide that I was going to leave. I can't do this after all. I don't want to do this anymore. I make my way out of my room and down the hallway to the doors to leave.

"Dr. Reid?" I hear behind me. I try to ignore the calls but feel a hand on my shoulder. "Dr. Reid, are you leaving?"

"I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here." I say turning around and looking at the nurse behind me.

"I know this is a hard step to take. It's never easy to admit you need help, but you made it this far. We can't keep you here without your consent, but we want to help you." She looked at me with pleading eyes. She looked so much like Garcia, it hurt.

I pushed the image of Garcia out of my head. "I don't need help. I'm not an addict. I just want to go home. Please just let me go." I turned away to head out of the door.

"What about your job? You said told the intake nurse that your and FBI agent. She said that you told her that if you don't complete a 30 days inpatient stay, you will loose your job." I look back and meet her eyes. I could see the sincerity in her eyes. I look back at the door and hung my head in shame.

I turn back and slowly make my way back to my room. The nurse followed me all the way. I stayed silent and so did she.

"You made the right choice. I'm glad you decided to stay and get some help. I promise you, you wont regret this." She looked at me when we reached my room. I weekly smiled and walked over to my bed. I lay down and look up at the ceiling. I see the nurse leave out of the corner of my eye. I allow my tears to fall.

**Time skip: one week**

This past week has been the worst week of my life. In detox I felt so alone. I felt like I wouldn't get better. Like I was just gonna die there, all alone. During detox no one was allowed to visit me. I was alone, but I had my nurses there for me.

After a week in the detox I was moved to a different ward with everyone else. I could finally have all of my stuff with me and have visitor's, but I have yet to have anyone come see me. I'm not ready to face anyone.

"Spencer, time for group." I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of my nurse, Lex, by my door. We do group therapy every day for an hour. Work the steps and make progress in recovery. I nod my head and put away my notebook, making my way to the group room.

I sit down in the chair closest to the door and watch as everyone files in one by one. I found myself analyzing everyone in the room. I have yet to meet anyone of them, but I can't help but to go back to my profiling ways. I haven't been to work in what feels like forever. I sit quietly and watch as the group begins.

"Welcome everyone. I hope you all are doing well today. I see we have a few new faces today. Lets start with introducing ourselves. Name, age, addiction, and one fun fact about you. Who wants to start?" The nurse running the group asked looking around the room. A young girl raised her hand to go first. "Hi. I'm River, 19, drug addict, pills, and one fun fact about me is I'm a poet." The young girl spoke. One by one we went around the group introducing ourselves.

Once it got to me I took a shaky deep breath. "Hi, um.. I... I'm Spencer. I'm 23 years old. I'm a uh.. a drug addict. And one fun fact about me is uhh.. I'm in law enforcement." I felt so uncomfortable the entire time while talking. I couldn't think of any better "fun fact" about me. I could feel all eyes on me when I said that an I instantly regretted it. I don't know what else to do so I just looked down at my hands and fiddled with my fingers. The group continued on and I didn't speak another word.

After group was over I went back into my room and pulled out my notebook. I sat there writing in it for a while. I found writing therapeutic. I could get all my feelings down without having to verbalize it. Talking about my feeling is always difficult for me.

"Spencer?" I heard a voice beside me. I look up to see River standing at my door smiling.

"River?" I questioned looking back at her.

"Yeah. I just wanted to come see how you were doing. I know my first day here was really hard and I was scared. The group didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, we just don't do to well with law enforcement, you know?" Anyways, how are you doing?" She rambled on laughing and smiling at the end.

"I'm okay. You know how the first day is. And yeah, I understand every ones hesitation towards law enforcement. But I'm trying to make it one day at a time." I looked up at her, smiling back.

"Can I sit?" She asked me gesturing to my bed.

"Yeah, of course." We sat there talking for about an hour. Just about life and what got us here. I felt safe with her here. It was great talking with her. Great getting to know her as a person and not a just a patent.

I think there is hope here after all.