My Diary

January 19th, 2021

Dear Diary,

I never even bothered to finish my last entry. I didn't feel up to it. But I can just sum up everything. I moved to Texas in October 22nd of 2020. I have been here since.

It's kinda a rough month for me. Last year on the sixteenth my uncle (who was more of a father figure than my own fathers) went into the hospital. He showed all of the symptoms of Covid-19 before it was even confirmed to be in America. He showed them in a span of minutes. He died twice in the ambulance and was revived. On the 19th they told my family that he probably wouldn't wake up. His brain stem was three times the size it should have been and wasn't reducing in size at all. I made the decision to pull the plug on him as I was put down as next of kin to make that call.

It's been a rough year without him and it hurts me to be without him. We had a falling out when I was 15 but we made up when I was 18. He was the one that got me out of foster care by giving me a place to live. He corrected me when I called him my uncle he said "it's not uncle it's dad" and it made me cry. We connected again so easily and we did so much in such a short amount of time. He even had signed adoption paperwork to have me be able to call him dad without his kids getting mad and he wanted me to take on his last name.

The day that he died I shut down and went to stay with a friend of mine. I didn't want to be at the apartment with all of the reminders of him everywhere. I ended up homeless because I didn't want to go back to live with my aunt as she was very abusive and manipulative. I am currently still on her lease so she has been able to keep the apartment. But it kinda has me messed up as I am stuck on the lease so I have a New York residency so I can't do anything in Texas until the lease is up which will be on February 18th. I am just waiting it out.

I kinda miss a lot of things in New York such as having friends of my own. Because of Covid I haven't been able to go out much. Also because I am an adult it's not like when I was a kid and super easy to make friends. When I was a kid I would just go up to someone who thought was cool and just ask them to be friends. You can't do that as an adult, you just tend to call the people who stick around a lot more your friends.

Another thing that I miss is being able to point to somewhere and say "I have memories there". I have no memories in Texas which I know I will eventually have some but... It's going to take a hell of a lot of time to do that. In New York I had a lot of places that I have fond memories. I miss being able to call up those memories so easily. Now I have to struggle to remember the most basic of things.

I am not complaining about Texas, oh gods no. I finally feel wanted for once in my life and I feel like I am safe. I also have a bed... Ah a bed yes, while I was homeless and even while I was with my aunt I slept on couches.

My aunt got a mattress from my cousin and it had bed bugs all over it so I couldn't sleep on it without being bitten. So I said fuck it and slept on a recliner or maybe I would sleep on my aunts bed if I wanted kitty snuggles.

When my aunt made it clear that I wasn't welcome home I couch surfed. I had slept on couches until I moved down to Texas. I felt bad for the people who I stayed with because my aunt harassed them so I would go back to her. She once took it so far as to call CPS on one of the people but we knew it happened. She gave them all of my information and knew nothing of the other peoples in the house.

I can say that I finally feel wanted though. I moved down to Texas live with an online friend of mine of five years and her boyfriend. I ended up joining the relationship on the fifth of November. They actually seem to care and want me around which is a strange concept to me as I am used to not being wanted. Sometimes the communication does suck between us but we always work it out in the end.

I don't have much more to say other than I miss my uncle dearly. May we meet again.

Sincerely,
Nicholas