My Diary

November 8th, 2021

Dear Diary,

A lot has happened and I did type an entry that never saved apparently which disheartens me entirely. I went on a rant regarding my ex abuser and assaulter Mark. Which makes me sad but I will redo it. Also I guess I should explain something else as well.

I have Disassociative Identity Disorder. I have basically multiple personalities in my head because of trauma I went through as a child. I believe that I have 200 "alters" (as we call it in the system) and they all do different things and deal with different issues and situations. It is Ace out actually and I am the one who started our wattpad entirely. I was not amused by the others messing with my stuff but I will yell at them later on in our headspace. We call ourselves the Snow System. Besides the fact that we are very pale in skin color we have an alter named Snow and she has been around the longest in the system besides Nicholas (who is no loner with us). We have been diagnosed with DID since we were 11 years old and got rediagnosed on our 20th birthday while in Terrell State Hospital in Texas. We also got diagnosed with schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, autism and tourettes. We had such a great birthday. Not really.

We ended up leaving the hospital on September 1st at around 3 in the morning. Mark told us that we had to leave state. He told us that he wasn't going to let us stay after being gone for 48 days. He said that he couldn't tell if we had changed but never gave us the chance to prove ourselves to him. He made Nicholas relive his worse fear all over again. We had gotten abandoned at a mental hospital when we were 16 by Nicholas's legal dad. His fear was that we were gonna get abandoned again and only went to the hospital under the condition that we would have a place at Mark's place. That Mark wouldn't just abandon us. But he decided to do it instead.

Mark had already replaced us with a what we all called a "mini me" of Nicholas named Wren. Mark had cheated on Nicholas with Wren while Wren was cheating on Nicholas with Mark. They all were polyamorus but they didn't communicate their needs or wants to Nicholas and that is what made it cheating on their ends. Nicholas wouldn't have minded if they had told him from the start that they wanted to both pursue a relationship with each other but Nicholas had found out from their roommate that they were dating, not from them and that is what hurt the most for Nicholas. Mark was an abuser he had SAed us and we had two miscarriages' because what Mark did. He was not a dominate he was just an abuser who used BD$M as a way to hide he was an abuser. 

The worst part in our eyes is that Nicholas ended up having Mark as his "fixated" person or favorite person. Mark held Nicholas's entire world in his nasty, abusive hands. He shattered Nicholas and holds no remorse or regret as he did it. Mark knew that he was Nicholas's "FP" and still did what he did. He treated being Nicholas's FP as a joke and didn't care how it would effect Nicholas in the long run.

But a break from that. I am Anastasia, another alter in our system. I am the systems host and I front quite often. I am an emotional trauma holder and protector meaning that I deal with all emotions from everyone in the system and I deal with the repercussions of their emotions. (We all will do introductions as we write in here.)

I hate the fact that we are schizophrenic. I mean we all have always seen things that others don't see. We call them shadow men in particular, they honestly closely resemble Slender Man than actual "men". They are semi tall lanky black figures that don't have hands or feet (they have points for them) and they have white eyes. Everything else about them is black but they have white eyes. They always show up in twos or threes, never just one. We also see shiny red beetles and many other things but I wanted to only name a few things. We have always seen things for as long as we all can remember.

We started hearing things around the time that we were 7 years old. At first it was just our name or a different family members name. But as time went on it started sounding harsher and meaner. But I am  going to end this entry for now.

Sincerely,

Anastasia