My Diary

March 15th, 2021

Dear Diary,

This entry is going to be different from the rest. I hope I don't end up writing another one like this one.

I am depressed. I have been depressed for quite some time now and I am used to it. It is all what I have known in this lifetime and I will probably know it well after as well.

So I know this feeling of self doubt really freaking well at this point in my life. (I have been dealing with my depression since I was around six years old.) But for some odd reason it is just eating me alive this time around.

I feel like all of my partners don't want to be with me and that they are only with me because they feel like they have no choice. The two that I live with definitely feel that way considering the fact they moved me to an unfamiliar state that I know no one besides them in. (They told me it was for my safety, but in reality all they wanted me down here for was so they could date me and have a live in house cleaner.)

I feel like no matter what I do it will never be good enough. I try to clean up around the apartment (when I am not in pain and that at this point is rare as all heck) and all anyone else does around it is make it a mess as soon as I am done cleaning it. They don't even attempt to try and keep it clean. Nope they don't bother with that, that is far too much work for them. As soon as it is cleaned up they make it a mess right away. I have given up on cleaning. I try to mask my pain so they have no reason to worry but as soon as I show any sign of pain I get chewed out by everyone who lives in the apartment. Bloody heck, I get chewed out by random strangers regarding my pain. I get chewed out by my partners parents who also like to claim that I fake everything for attention and no medical problems I have are real. They literally said that in front of me while I was doubled over in pain. Yes, you read that right. While I was doubled over because of my endometriosis related to my period they said I fake all of pain and medical issues for attention and that if ANYONE describes any form of pain around me I will claim to feel the same pain not long after. So lets just say that neither of my partners parents want me around or even fake liking me while around their children. (Heck, all of my partners ENTIRE family has an issue with me and I haven't even met all of them yet!)

I currently get nothing but attitude from all of my partners and one of them hardly speaks to me! If I say anything all I hear is someone making a sassy remark and when they talk to me directly I get nothing but pure attitude. Here is an example of it. I have asked both my boyfriend and our roommate to please do all the dishes in the sink to clean out the sink because it smells horrible and we have drain flies because I am the only person to clean off my dishes. I asked them that three months ago. I asked my boyfriend to do it in December after he got fired from his job. It hasn't gotten done and now a sink literally floods over because the drain is clogged. They both said "well we work a lot and on our days off we need to sleep because we work night shift" and "if you want then done do them your damn self as we don't have the time to do them" while they proceed to play video games basically all day on their days off. I try doing the dishes but I end up passing out while doing them. My blood sugar and iron levels are constantly low. So I do as much as I can before my body says "Nah bro you can't keep doing this and to prove that I'll make you fall to the floor unconscious so you can't keep doing it". And I also tend to do everything else around the house.

Currently I am in severe pain and have been for the last thirty-eight days. I found out on Friday that I have a cyst on my right ovary and it is BIGGER than the ovary it's attached to. It has been causing me a lot of pain and I am currently bedroom bound. It hurts really badly all the time but when I am standing up and moving around makes it hurt worse than Hades. I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worse enemy that is how bad it is. I haven't been able to do much and I have lost a considerable amount of sleep due to the pain either being too much for me to bare or the pain waking me up (I also deal with nightmares that I personally believe to be linked to my PTSD but I am not sure about that yet). So all of my partners have been getting a heck of a lot more sleep than me and I can literally keep track of how much sleep they have gotten. But my girlfriend claims "no I get less sleep than you" when I know by the time she wakes up fully rested and prepared for the day she has had eleven and a half hours of sleep. She can't function on anything less than that. And I also note when they go to sleep. They both snore badly when they are sound asleep. And I also know when they wake up. The slightest movements hurt me badly and if I am asleep I wake up because of it and I always check my phone as soon as I am awake. (That is a force of habit from over sleeping my alarms when I used to go to school.) I am lucky enough to three hours of sleep compared to their eight plus hours every day.

My depression has also gotten really bad and when I went to the hospital I realised how bad it has gotten. I lied to the people doing my intake so they wouldn't try to commit me and put me on a seventy-two involuntary hold in the psych ward. But when I lied to them is when I realised how bad it has gotten. I haven't taken my medicine for lord only knows how long. I haven't bothered with looking for a therapist either. I have literally given up on trying to find help for myself because... I do kinda lack that will and drive to stay alive. But it will get better at some point.

I am gonna call this the end of my entry. I don't want my partners to see me typing at eight forty am.

Sincerely,
Nicholas-Archer