My Diary

February 3rd, 2021

Dear Diary,

I originally meant for this to be written in January but oops? Mistakes happen when depression hits hard. I have honestly been sleeping a lot.

I don't normally sleep for days at a time. So it's been tough on me. My depression has been spiking off and on as of lately but I am on a huge spike as of the past few days.

My current huge issue is that I deal with selective mutism. And uh... My stress, anxiety and depression levels can make it come back in full force. I currently can speak to one of my boyfriend's and my girlfriend. That is it.

I think it has to do with the fact that I am going in a five day depression spike and I had a panic and anxiety attack yesterday while I have been dealing with stress a lot lately.

My partners and I along with two of my boyfriend's friends plan on moving in together and getting either an apartment or a house. They are trying to help us get away from our current roommate.

Our current roommate is well... Crazy. He is a security officer and he used to be a level two meaning he was unarmed. He has a lot of blades (knives, some swords and an excessive amount of larger knives) and that already makes us nervous. He has gone into detail of how he would go about hurting people and he is unpredictable. We never know what he is going to do or how he will react to the most basic of things. Now he is a level three or four security guard which means he is armed and has to have a gun. He went to the shooting range earlier yesterday and did horribly with shooting. Which tells my well experienced boyfriend that he barely knows the most basic of gun safety. He also was playing with it, yes I mean playing with it like it is a toy, in the apartment. If he was just doing it in his bedroom it would have been okay. But no. He was doing it in the WHOLE apartment and he was showing it off excessively.

I already have PTSD with guns and that sent me into a panic attack that turned into an anxiety attack. My boyfriend and his friends told him to keep it in his room unless he is going to the range or to work. He snapped at them and told them that I need to stop over reacting and to not go into his room (while he had it in the kitchen). He was being inconsiderate of the fact that my boyfriend and him had spoken of my trauma and PTSD in detail before I was moved down here to Texas.

So my current situation is I can talk to my boyfriend and girlfriend and animals. But with others around I can't. I have been trying to but something isn't allowing me to do so. I can move my lips and have my lips form the words but... I can't make a sound. I am lucky that I have two people that are willing to teach me some ASL and BSL. One of them has a dog named Rosie that I adore (I got to play with her and get all the soft puppy kissies) and she lives in an apartment in the same area as I live. And the other is well... British so he is in England.

I wish that I didn't already deal with selective mutism but I do. Sometimes it can well... Spike up I guess? I thought that I had out grown it but I apparently didn't and probably never will. My boyfriend helped me get a notebook because I can write faster than I can type so I can be a part of conversations and such. I don't want to need a middle man to speak.

I don't have much else to say. Haha I can't actually speak.

Sincerely,
Nicholas