January 26th, 2021 (18+)

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Dear Diary,

This is going to be my 18+ part. To me it makes more sense to do it this way. I may do a non 18+ one later on for today but for now I will make this one.

I have my two partners but they aren't just my boyfriend and girlfriend. I am their submissive as well.

I am in the BDSM community. I have been experimenting with my two doms (one of which isn't just a dom she is also a submissive). We are using this to help with my mental state and see what helps me more.

I can't seem to take care of my mental health or my regular health without the help of my doms. They push me to do better for myself and do my very best.

I am on a schedule that helps motivate me to do things. I have a morning routine that reminds me to eat and take my antidepressant on time. I have things to do throughout the day as well. One is to do some Buddhism related stuff and exercise to keep my mind and body healthy. Another is to do some kind of writing to help me get better at expressing myself to others. Its also to motivate me to get back into writing again because my depression has destroyed my motivation to write. I also have to take a nap so I can calm down and not let my anxiety get out of control. I have some random things that I like to do such as calligraphy and witchy stuff as well. I do have free time in the mix as well. I also have a bedtime routine of bathing, taking some melatonin, brushing my teeth and winding down for bedtime.

It helps me keep focused. I am also autistic and the routine helps me not forget to do anything important. The schedule was mainly made up by me and my doms just agreed to when everything should be done by. It helps me take responsibility for things.

I also help cleanup around the house as I am a service sub. I don't mind cleaning, it helps me relax and be at peace. There are times where I cannot clean such as I am in pain. That is when my doms come in and help me out. Or when my blood sugar is so low that I am passing out left and right. When that happens my doms make sure to help me take care of it as well. They don't mind doing it too.

They tell me that them helping me is part of them being a dom. They are always telling me that they would do it whenever they can and they don't regret taking me on as their submissive. Even if I am damaged and hurt they don't care. They want to help break me down to help build me up three times stronger than I was. They want me to be the best that I can be and they want to help me get there. I got really lucky with them.

When I am sub dropped and depressed and they are playing video games they throw their matches just to make sure that I am okay. I tell them that I can wait but they refuse to not help me as soon as they can also known as that exact moment. They will just hold me and let me cry into them if I need to. They will take whatever I can throw at them verbally if it means it helps me calm down. They go through so much because of me and they still don't want to leave me. They are the two that actually care and want me to stay.

We all benefit mutually from this. I am so glad for everything that they do.

Well that is it.

Sincerely,
Nicholas

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