My Diary

January 20th, 2021

Dear Diary,

I am starting this at almost three am. I can't ever sleep at night so I do stay up until early in the morning.

Sometimes I feel like I was never destined to find love. Which is sad because everybody should experience love at least once in their life. I never have felt love. Yes I have been in relationships, I have been in quite a few mainly in my teen years but I didn't feel love.

I feel more love from music or my cigarettes. I have been engaged to people. I have had a ten year long relationship that ended in shambles. I had teenage crushes on famous people. I had crushes on people in school but I never have loved anyone with all my heart and soul. (I just remember that I am smoking a cigarette and I am typing more than I am smoking...)

I envy those who are in a loving and compassionate relationship. In my current one my girlfriend is distant and my boyfriend feels like he is stuck with me. We lack communication and trust. But I could brush that off as we all are the same generation.

I am 19. My girlfriend is 20. My boyfriend is 21. We all grew up in some kind of broken home. Well not really my girlfriend she had a better family dynamic than my boyfriend and I but not by much. (Actually they both had better than me, they lived with both of their parents and not in foster care.) We all have trust issues. I was with an abuser who was six years older than me for ten years. We ended it when I turned 18. I was thrown to the wolves once I got kicked out of my aunts place. They both have their families saying to end the dynamic. They tend to listen to their families much quicker than they are willing to admit.

My girlfriend is getting ready to leave as soon as she can (she has to wait for some medical stuff to be cleared before she can fly). She plans on having her family come get her and her not coming back.

My boyfriend is letting his controlling mother have an influence that she shouldn't be having. He tries to say that she has his best interest at heart but I know the signs of someone being controlled by someone else. My aunt was exactly like his mother and that terrifies me.

And then there is me. I am in a whole new state with no friends. I have no family who will talk to me because I burnt those bridges by leaving New York. I have no friends because well... I burnt those bridges by leaving New York once again. I have no one to run to for advice or help. I am stuck watching the two I have some form of feelings for break each other down to the point we all threaten to leave. I can't leave. I have no possible way to leave if I decide to do so.

It hurts me because I feel loved but sometimes it feels like I am tolerated instead. That I am just the charity case they decided to take on. That they just want to get what they can get from me before they both leave me. And it hurts to feel that way. By the gods that hurts worse than anything I have ever felt before. I don't want to feel that way in a relationship. I don't think that anyone should ever feel that way in a relationship.

At this point I feel stuck. Like I can't do anything for myself or my partners. What is even worse is that our roommate is jealous of me. He has been since before I even joined the relationship. He wants my girlfriend and he sees me as an obstacle in his way. So there is tension there as well.

I tend to push people away when my depression is acting up. And it has been so I have been shoving everyone away to try and protect them from me. I know that I can be cruel and harsh when I get depressed and have to face my demons. I don't want those I love to get hurt by me.------