My Diary

April 6th, 2022

Dearest Diary,

I know that I don't write in this as often as I should. I mean it is a diary after all. But the thing is that I would just end up seeming like a broken record. Sadly my life is not interesting and it is the same thing different day.

I am trying to work on myself but also try my hardest to be everything I know I can be. But it is honestly nearly impossible. I wish I could tell you how much I have changed and grown but I honestly feel like instead of us moving forward it feels like we are only taking steps backwards. That is the irritating thing about life. When everything seems to be going well and improving it can be the exact opposite. It is just... It makes everything harder and seem hopeless.

Yes, I am having a bad depression spike and hasn't seem to get any better. This sadly is my normal as messed up as that seems. I have been dealing with depression since I was a little kid.

I have been dealing with my anxiety, depression and lack of trust since before I started living with my aunt (I call her ma) as a child. It took years to fully show as I had no proper "trigger" for it to show. When my Mema passed away in 2010 that was the main trigger to have them show. 

I had a really strong bond with my Mema. She was always there when I needed her. At first her and I shared a room. She slept on the bottom bunk. She was my everything and made my childhood fun.

Little thing to know about our family is that our family is filled with car people and truckers. Everyone in our family has either worked on cars or did trucking Shaker Inc. So growing up  my ma, uncle, cousins and grandparents were not always home. I was usually left at home or the neighbors who were two houses down the street from our apartment or we would go with someone.

I had someone always around no matter what. And I liked that growing up. But after my Mema passed away that changed. You see, I was extremely close to her and she was my everything. Her being alive saved me from torment and my ma's never ending rage.

I ended up being blamed for her passing even though I wasn't. I didn't cause her cancer. I was so scared in all honesty. I was loved and cared for and valued before when she was here. When she passed everything changed.

I went to eight funerals after hers. Ma made sure I had a clean black dress every time. I would come home and get handed one of my black dresses and some tights. I had to get dressed quickly and pull my hair up and out of the way. Then we would go to another funeral. We lost so many people in such a short time. It always hurts to think and talk about this.

I never really showed my emotions growing up. I just ignored my feelings and emotions. It is what made me be able to continue on. Continue going to school. Continue eating. Continue living. It helped me not react to the bullies and tormentors that we had to deal with day in day out. I got diagnosed as being a sociopath early on. I just don't understand emotions and I don't show any. It makes me seem like I am cold and heartless.

-Anastasia