a/n:
i feel like a proud mum rn. drivers license is (officially) the biggest song in the ENTIRE WORLD!! it's only been out a week!!! #1 on the billboard top 100!! eeeeeek!!!!
just go on Instagram and go to @oliviarodrigopress cus she updates everyday with whatever new stuff has happened with press (amount of streams, followers, stuff she comments, interviews, records she broke/set, etc.)!!! honestly so freaking happy and proud rn 🥺
alsooo i once again couldn't be bothered with uppercase sh*t so yeah...
cordially uncordial,
katie x
. . .
olivia's pov:
"be honest with me babe, how are you holding up?" dara asked me. the girl and i were sitting in my trailer on set having our lunch break.
"what about?" i questioned, acting oblivious.
"about josh. this can't be easy for you," julia said.
"i'm fine," i replied, getting up to throw away my salad bowl.
"olivia you need to stop bottling up your emotions," sofia cut in.
"i'm not bottling anything up," i lied, sitting back down on the sofa.
"yes you are liv. you need to let yourself feel this," dara encouraged.
"no, i can't."
"yes, you can. just let it all out. i promise it will help," sofia said.
i took a deep breath before starting, "i'm just...i just feel worthless right now. i thought i'd never have to see him again. and now i have to see him everyday? it's just like everytime i look at him it just reminds me of what i lost. it reminds me of all the pain. everything comes flooding back. the memories of sitting on my bed balling my eyes out. feeling like i'm nothing," i was crying now, "and everytime i think i'm over him and that i'll be ok, he shows up again. and it feels like this pain will never go away. i just want to go back to my old ways and cut him out, but it feels impossible. i wish he didn't have an affect on me. i wish i hated him with every fiber in my body. i wish i could just ignore him and fully move on. but i can't. a small part of me still misses him and it's killing me," i admitted, fully crying hugging my knees to my chest.
apart from the sound of me crying, the room was silent. i haven't talked about how i feel about josh to anyone so i basically dumped my 5 years of pain onto them.
"i'm sorry for rambling like that," i whispered, breaking the silence.
"are you kidding liv? don't ever apologize for being vulnerable. the only reason we're being quiet is because we're stunned. i knew you were hurting, but you're so closed off now i didn't know you were hurting this intensely. im just so sorry olivia," sofia replied.
"thank you for letting yourself feel all of this," julia added, continuing to rub my back.
"do i maybe have permission to go murder him?" dara asked, making us all start laughing.
"i'll bring the shovel!" sofia said.
"i'll dig the grave!" julia replied.
god i love these girls.
"i don't think we can kill him guys," i stated, still laughing.
"well we can hug you and eat our body weight in ice-cream," dara replied, getting us to all stand up and share a group hug.
"can we have strawberry?" i asked.
"yep!" julia answered, grabbing my hand as we all left my trailer heading towards the parking lot.
"hey, olivia can we talk?" i heard josh yell, making me stop in my tracks.
"um i don't know," i yelled back, not bothering to turn around.
i heard his footsteps coming closer, forcing me to turn around and face him.
"please? it's kind of important."
oh kill me now.
"fine," i sighed.
"we'll be in the car," sofia assured me.
i nodded in response before asking josh what he wanted.
"we've been filming for almost a week now and i feel like there's some tension between us," he said, running his hand through his hair.
well no sh*t sherlock. wow i wonder what could've happened to cause some sort of tension?
"i don't know what you're talking about," i replied, crossing my arms.
"come on liv-"
"don't call me that," i snapped.
"sorry, it just slipped out. anyways what i was gonna say is that there's obviously some stuff we need to talk about."
"like?"
"like everything that's happened. with me and you and lily. maybe we need to talk all that out."
"uh no i'm good."
"come on, we need to dissolve this tension. and we need to talk about it so we get everything off our chests."
"ok, fine. you go first."
"well first of all, do you think we can talk in my trailer? instead of just out here?"
"um sure."
"ok cool."
we walked towards his trailer in an awkward silence. once we got inside, we sat at either end of the couch. it felt like we were miles away from each other, even though we were so close.
"i guess i'll go first. i'll start out by saying that i'm sorry. i-"
"don't," i snapped, cutting him off.
"don't what?"
"don't tell me that you're sorry when you don't mean it. we both know you don't really care about me. and you'd have to care about me to really mean you apology so stop lying by saying that you're sorry when we both know you don't mean it."
"well, you're wrong. i am genuinely sorry. i'm sorry for lying to you. i'm sorry but cutting all ties with you. i'm sorry for choosing lily. i'm sorry for making you feel like you mean nothing to me. i'm sorry but completely disrespecting you and your feelings. i'm sorry for acting like an asshole," he said, holding eye-contact.
"i don't believe you," i said sadly.
"you have to, though. because i'm not lying," he replied, leaning forward towards me.
"but joshua i can't trust you like i used to. you can't expect me to trust you like that so easily when all you've ever done is betray me. you're like a stranger. and i know that to you it may be frustrating that i can't trust you, but you need to see things through my point of view. you left me. you betrayed my trust and emotions, so you need to except that there is no way i'm going to trust you so damn easily. and i hate that i still care about you because i don't want to. i hear you when you say you're not lying, but i don't know if that's you trying to manipulate me again," i rambled.
"wh-what?" joshua asked.
"huh?"
i started scanning over what i said, trying to work out what he could be confused and then realised i slipped up. i told him i still cared about him. well sh*t.
"y-you still care about me?"
"a little," i muttered, looking down at my hands.
"why didn't you tell me until know?" he asked, matching my tone.
"it just slipped out."
"did you mean it?"
"yeah, i did."
"i still care about you too. except i don't hate that i do."
"you do?"
"yeah."
"but what about lily?"
. . .
a/n:
hi
