Do you take thee...?

Awaiting My Arrival

'Hi, Cristina? How are you?'

'Meredith I am so sorry I haven't called you since you got to Florida. We had the biggest crisis here and there was floods and electrocutions and the ER had to be closed down. I never got a minute to call you. I'm so sorry.'

'Cristina, Cristina, calm down. It's okay. Is everything okay now? Like how is everyone? Who got hurt? Oh God please tell me Derek is ok.' As soon as she told me that the worst had happened at the hospital, my mind immediately went to Derek being hurt again. It was like a trigger that if something went wrong he was involved. I must have sounded crazy to her but she's my best friend and she knew how I was feeling.

'Oh Meredith. Derek is fine. But you're evidently not.'

By this point, I was crying on the phone to her. I thought I had cried all the tears I had left but clearly not. She somehow comforted me from across the country and we talked for hours. She wasn't at work until tomorrow and I was at work in an hour, since I had already woken up 5 hours early. We talked about us. About the mess I had gotten myself into. About George and Alex and Izzie. Then we talked about Derek and Mei. And their wedding, which was now in 2 days.

'It's still going ahead Mer, he wanted you and everyone knew he wanted you. That was all that the hospital was talking about for the next 2 weeks. I gotta tell you something as well.'

I didn't have any idea of what to expect from this. Was she going to tell me something I wanted to hear or not? Was she pregnant? Every thought circled my mind for the next 10 seconds before it processed what she was telling me.

'Cristina. I can't. I can't do that. Why can't they just mail them to me?'

'Meredith they've got to be signed in person so that you can have a witness. You don't have to see him. He doesn't ever have to know you're hear.'

'Wait who are we talking about now?'

'Well we're not talking about Forbes. That didn't bother you much. Meredith obviously I'm talking about Derek.'

'Okay. But if I'm gonna come, I'm coming after the wedding. They can be all married up before I come.'

All this talk of Derek and Mei was killing me but I tried to make the conversation light and act as if I was okay. I wasn't. I had to go back to the hospital to sign forms that I hadn't signed when I was admitted after the crash. I had to be reminded of us once again. I would have to walk through the doors and sit at the desk were he head probably sat before and been so powerful and tempting, when he was having a meeting and demanding what he wanted. He did that regularly and he pretty much always got his way. But somehow he hadn't demanded me and he didn't have me. Even if he had, I don't think he would have gotten me then either.

'You need to get on a plane tomorrow Meredith. They have to be signed by tomorrow night.'

'Cristina, I'm not doing that. I'm not getting on a flight tomorrow. One I have work. Two I haven't told my boss and three, there's no way in hell I'm coming before he gets married. At least if I come after he will be on his honeymoon, probably having sex with her in the Bahamas.'

'Meredith Stop. The chief has already spoken to your boss. You don't have work tomorrow and you do not have to see him. Trust me. I'll make sure of it.'

I knew being back there was going to spark all the feelings up again and I was certain that if him and I saw each other again something was bound to happen. I couldn't speak to him knowing that he would be marrying another woman the next day. I didn't want to see him at all. But what could I do. I trusted Cristina and she told me that the Chief would make sure that our paths didn't cross either.

I packed a small bag, just enough for me to be in and out within 24hours. I didn't plan on spending anymore time there than I had to. I booked a cab to come pick me up and take me to the airport and I went to bed. Except this night was different. I dreamt. I dreamt of me and Derek and our wedding. I dreamt of the white dress that Cristina would help me into the morning of the most perfect day of my life and I watched each individual in the church, that was filled with white peonies and red roses, turn their heads to the back of the room. The doors opened and I saw the love of my life stood at the other end, keeping himself composed but having the biggest smile from ear to ear and the glisten in his eyes like it was the first time he had ever lay eyes on me. I walked down the aisle on my own holding a bouquet of greenery and small white flowers intertwined throughout. I had my something blue hidden under the skirt of my dress. My something blue being a cut out piece of Derek's tie that he wore the first day we met. I dreamt of flying to Lake Como and spending our honeymoon in the most romantic villa that looked out over the lake and I imagined his kisses existing upon my lips and my neck and my cheeks. The last thing I dreamt of was waking up in the silk sheets of the bed we were both swaddled up in, naked after having the most passionate, intimate and love filled evening of our lives, with Derek being by my side, his arm wrapped around my bare body and the other bringing up a croissant to my mouth.

I truly didn't want to wake up from that dream but my alarm awoke me and I had to go be in the same place at the same time as the man I wanted but couldn't have.