Do you take thee...?

Longing For Her

With his arm reached out for any sense of connection between us, the hardest thing to do was to sit there knowing that the monitors were erratically beeping and  all he longed for was me since we his vitals had been stable moments before. With my head dropped low so that nobody could see my pain, I decided to raise arm up and weave my hand throughout the nurses that were trying so hard to stabilise him. His hand had fallen outside of his bed after he had no strength left in it to hold out it out for me. With Mei still being a controlled mess, I reached for his grip and held him until he calmed. I made him stable. Our touch and connection was so strong that it made his heart beat normally again. I still wasn't seeking his eyes yet I could feel his monitoring our hands together. I let my hand slip away as the beeping became controlled and look around to see Forbes staring at our interlocked hands. 

'Dr Grey, I'm gonna take you back to your room now.' A nurse informed me.

'It's okay, I can do that, things seem to be taken care of in her.' Marcus came around and grabbed hold of  the handles on my wheelchair. I really didn't need to look at him or see his precious eyes that I knew for certain would kill me but I did. Every urge I had persuaded my mind to look. His eyes were still fixed on every move I made and as soon as I turned around our eyes immediately locked. He was more focused on me, than the fiancé that sat sobbing at his bedside begging for him to be okay, pulling his hand to her lips and placing a kiss on his knuckles. I felt a touch of skin interact with the slight gap in my gown that allowed my shoulder to slip out. I felt no emotion or comfort from his touch but then again it was going to take a while t put myself back together after my heart had been broken along with many other parts of my body. We reached the door and continued to travel down the hallway back to my ICU bed. We didn't let people out of the ICU but it was me. And Derek. And I was stubborn so there was no way I was staying in there without seeing him. My heart throbbed at the thought of him being engaged and it palpitated at the thought of living without him.

DEREK'S POV

My heart sunk as I knew that the news was going to be apparent. If I could've had changed anything at that moment it wouldn't have been to be healthy and alive but for her to not have to hear the news she was finally going to realise. I didn't want for her to find out this way. When she was so fragile and helpless, especially not when we had just had the most memorable, intimate moment together. We were so in touch and then I went and ruined it. I heard Jennifer's voice sobbing down my ear but still didn't try to comfort her. She was not the person that needed to be comforted right now. I wanted Meredith so bad. But there was no way she would want me after this. Why would she? I'd moved one. Got engaged to a woman that wasn't her. And then out of nowhere, with no indications of my feelings for her, threw myself in front of a car for her and nearly dying together.  I was so reckless and rude and disrespectful towards her. At this point in y thoughts I wanted her so much that I didn't want her because I didn't want her to get hurt y my foolish mistakes and I'd sacrifice myself for her happiness. 

I longed for her. I started shutting down, having chest pain like my heart was breaking, metaphorically and medically, I felt her delicate fingers slip our from my hand. She didn't know that I had heard any of her confessions about her feelings and she didn't know my existing feelings for her, which made everything so much more complicated. I didn't let my eyes away from her glistening eyes, not even when I felt they were shutting on their own. I didn't want to lose her touch, her sight, her feelings. And then she turned away. And my heart stopped. I watched a single tear fall from her cheek into her lap then my heart broke again for that woman. I sensed Forbes walk into my room and knew exactly why he was here. He wasn't needed. He wasn't paged. Not for me. Why would a plastic surgeon be called for someone experiencing my biological issues. He was there for her. To take her away. If I didn't have a tube down my throat, regardless of Mei and the doctors surrounding me, I would've expressed how she affected me and how she made my heart beat and break at the same time. How she made me feel like a human and how I wanted her. For us to sleep in the same bed. To wake up next to her. To make her breakfast every morning and clean the toothpaste out of the skin after her. How I didn't care that I would have to pick up the socks she left around the house. Pick the hair out of the drain after she'd washed it with the lavender conditioner and shampoo. I didn't care about any of it. As long as I could be with her. I wanted to tell her I love her. The first time either of us had ever said it. But that god damn tube stopped me from telling her everything. She'd never know because she walked away and took all of my hopes with her. They along with her were stolen from me. 

She knew I needed her and right at that moment I acknowledged her touch rested in my fingers once again. I calmed down knowing that she knew I needed her. She still left. She took her hands out of mine, not even looking into my eyes once, until she left and we met one last time.