Do you take thee...?

The Possibilities

DEREK'S POV
6 weeks had passed since the last time I saw Meredith and my feelings weren't any less there. Every emotion and urge I had for her, had remained in my heart these past 6 weeks. Every night I spent in bed with Jennifer had been nothing but restless nights where my only thoughts were the bed I wished I was in with Meredith. Holding her tight with my arm under her, pulling her onto her side so her head was rested on my chest and then kissing her small forehead as she fell asleep looking so peaceful. I wished I was tossing and turning at her snoring, throwing pillows at her so she would shut up. I felt so much guilt for her and for Mei. We would be having sex and I would look at her face and not be looking at her, but Meredith instead. What sort of a man pictures someone else during sex with their fiancé? A man who's soulmate was in a relationship with a much better man? The only thing that got me through the endless nights of remorse, was that I knew she obviously didn't want to be with me meaning she was much happier. All I wanted was her to be happy, after everything I'd put her through. She hadn't called but then again why would she? I'd left her and she had probably moved on with Forbes from the way they interacted with each other. Yet it made me sick to my stomach thinking about a fellow surgeon touching her with his hands.

Wedding plans were well on their way and Jennifer would come home everyday from work with new ideas about the tiniest of details. What the middles of the tables were going to look like and how the ribbons on the back of the chairs should be tied. She made me happy she really did. Her excitement of the tiniest things filled my heart. She cared for me and she was there. Me and her were together and getting married and I wasn't about to ruin another woman's life.

It was the morning of my first day back at work after the accident. It was also Meredith's. That was the reason I woke up 3 hours earlier than my shift began. She was constantly in my thoughts. Our paths were probably going to cross since we were both surgeons. There was the possibility she was going to be on my service and then there was the possibility of running into an elevator and us both just happening to encounter each other in there. I was making breakfast, pancakes in-fact so that I could take them into work in case anyone wanted any, partially thinking of Meredith since I knew that they were one of her favourites. I turned around after pouring myself my 2nd cup of coffee in 2 hours, when I heard the door lock unlatch and watched Mei walk through the kitchen door. She smiled as she ran her hand, that was the home to the engagement ring, through her fringe, pushing out of her eyes.

'Goodnight hunny.' She whispered through a giggle as she came over to plant a peck on my lips.

Her lips were soft and I got a whiff of her apple scented hair. It smelt lovely but it wasn't the lavender I longed to smell.

'Go get some sleep, I'm gonna head off to work now anyways.' I emotionless and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

She walked out of the room taking a pancake, from the plate, with her and telling me, 'Have a great first day, I love you.'

Thankfully she was too exhausted and out of it to pay close attention to the fact I didn't admit the love back. I picked up the pancakes, my coffee and my car keys and drove to work. On my way I was obviously having flashbacks to the last time I was in the hospital. The time I had thrown myself in front of a car for her. The time I had died and been brought back to life. The moments when I had not been able to tell the women who made my heart complete that I loved her. She still didn't know and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't ruin her life again. As I pulled up to my reserved parking space, I watched Marcus Forbes pull out. I revisited the idea of it being our first day back and then realised that both him and Jennifer had been on the night shift and were now at home. Which left me and Meredith practically alone in the hospital. If we needed to talk then we wouldn't have the worries of them coming up behind us, we wouldn't have interruptions. I felt like there should be a conversation between us but how could that happen. We hadn't spoken since before the crash. She had professed her love for me as well as her worries about us and her being scared. I had had a tube down my throat restricting me and not allowing me to tell her that I felt the exact same way just without the scared part because I knew we would be okay. We were Meredith and Derek. If we survived what we did then we could survive anything but that wasn't the case since I never got to tell her and we went on living our separate lives. Not having spoken a word to each other. I kept thinking should I request her to be in my service or is that being pushy and disrespectful? Should I leave her to be mad at me since the last time we saw each other she had found out about the engagement? She was probably pissed at me. But then what if we didn't run into each other today and then we didn't get to see each other? How could we have a conversation with our partners luring around us constantly. I had to ask for her on my service. I could always lie and say that she was put on mine by someone else but then I didn't want to lie to her anymore than I already had. I'd ask for her to be on my service and I'd tell her the truth. That was my decision. Then anything could happen...