Do you take thee...?

It Could Have Been

Dying for any signs that his actions were just because he was tired, I asked with a caring, concerned tone, 'Hey. You okay?' 

'Yeah, I'm okay. What was it that you wanted to talk about?' He asked me, lifting his head out of his hands and standing up out of his chair. His mood was not what I expected or what I wanted to see. He seemed like he wanted to get my out and over and done with. I carried on trying to not overthink his expressions but before I could, he interrupted me.

'No, you know what, actually I'm not okay.' I knew now I could start panicking because he said this to me in a sad, almost empathetic way that made me seriously question if I wanted to hear what he was about to say. He took a deep breathe and continued.

'I need to talk to you. Sit down please.' He motioned me to sit down in the chair opposite his.

'Erm, no, I'm okay. I think I'll just stand for now.' I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes on the verge of running down my cheek. He looked me in the eyes and began to well up himself. He looked so vulnerable and heartbroken and to be honest I had never been so confused in my life. We were so in love yesterday that I was sure we were going to be together but now I was rethinking my whole decision of what I was going to tell him. 

'What happened yesterday cannot happen again. Not the hand holding. Not the kissing. Not the sex. I can't be with you and trust me I want to be. I want to hold you in my arms every night and be your safe place. I want to kiss you every morning  but I can't. I'm not going to walk away from my engagement.' 

I stopped him right there and asked him.

'Why? Why can't you walk away from your engagement? If she knew about us, she would walk away. If you want to be together then don't talk to me again. Please.' 

The tears were well and truly flowing now but I was trying my hardest to put my wall back up and not be the woman who cried over a man. I was so infuriated by him. He made every nerve in my body ache and tense up just like he had when I first found him with her. Just like he had when he pulled me out of that surgery. He let a long pause silence the room, still just staring at me and crying. I laughed once in pure disbelief of what was happening and made my way to walk out of the toxic atmosphere.

'Meredith, wait!'

I felt his hand grab my forearm and spin me around so that our faces were in each others direct eyesight and if I had slipped forward even the slightest bit, our lips would have interacted again. I now had Niagara Falls basically flowing down my face as I had started balling again once I thought he wouldn't see me again and he looked at me with so much sadness shining through his eyes.

'No! No! Do not touch me!' I shouted to him, yanking my arm out his grip. The rest of the words I spoke to him were basically screamed because of the infuriation he made me feel. 

'You wanna know something? When you saved my life and we both lay helpless in hospital beds with me having only a tiny bit more life in me than you did, I ordered that those nurses took me to your bedside. I screamed at them when they tried to put me back down. Because I wanted to see you so bad.'

I watched his face slowly drop and he started walking backwards to sit himself down on the sofa behind. His eyes were still fixed on mine and he continued to wipe the tears from his face. 

'I was so hurt and practically dead, just like you, but the most important thing to me right at that time was seeing you alive. But you were barely there and that scared the shit out of me. I cried on your arms and poured my heart and soul out to an unconscious Derek who had jumped in front of a car for me. I told you that we were going to be okay and we were going to get through this together. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I told you I love you. Sorry, let me correct myself, loved you.' I was genuinely surprised at myself for getting trough all that without a stutter or the tears over baring my voice. There was a long pause and the silence echoed throughout the room. 

'I know. I heard.'

'What? What do you mean you heard?'

'I mean I heard every word you said to me. From the moment you told me that we were going to be okay, I heard everything from there. I heard you say I love you.'

'Then why didn't you show me that you heard me?'

'Because I know yo-'

'No you don't. Don't even say that because if you knew me we wouldn't be having this argument right now.'

He disregarded the last thing I said and carried on, this time grabbing my hand.

'I know you Meredith and I knew that if I had turned my head and you realised I was awake, then you would've been scared and stopped. But I wanted to hear it and I wanted to hear your voice all day long for the rest of my life. If I didn't have that stupid thing down my throat, I would've used every last muscle in my body to get up, grab your face, and kiss you so tightly that it literally took your breath away.' 

I was so shocked and didn't know what to do or to say or even if I should say anything. I had a completely different mindset knowing what he wanted to do. Knowing that he wanted to kiss me. I dropped my head and let the tears continue to fall from my eyes onto his carpet. I let out a small whimper in shock that we could have been together this whole time if we had spoken earlier and maybe I could've gotten him to myself for forever. With my head still hung, I heard the words come out of his mouth that I dreaded.

'Meredith Grey-'