Do you take thee...?

A Choice To Make

It was March 13th and nerves were running high as I sat on a plane back to Seattle to sign papers about the crash and get straight back out of there. March 13th was also Derek's birthday and I knew that everyone at the hospital would be having a party of some sort and all I could pray for was that I didn't get dragged to it. It was also his bachelor party tonight so I knew that there was no chance in going to Joe's bar before my flight home. I was overthinking every single thing that could happen. Like that maybe our paths would cross when I was coming out of the toilet and he happened to be stood in the corridor. What if that happened and the sexual tension between us both was excessive and one thing led to another? I tried to settle my thoughts by telling myself it wouldn't happen and if I couldn't manage myself Derek would because he already reassured me it couldn't happen again. But you just never know in the moment, pretty much anything can happen. 

Just like that, before I knew it the 5 hour flight was over and I was being picked up by Cristina who had a few hours before she had to be in work. We weren't people who hugged so we didn't but we did exchange a huge, friendly smile and I was so glad to see her face again finally. On the car journey back to my old house that I had sold to Izzie, Alex, George and Cristina, I couldn't help but feel like something crazy, unexpected and irrational was going to happen. I thought maybe it was because this place always brought me bad luck and the feelings I got when I returned made me feeling physically sick with guilt and regret. We had been in the car talking about things other than the soon to be married couple for over 30 minutes now and the radio started to play one of those songs I didn't want to hear. Without even asking Cristina's permission, who was actually singing along to Kiss Me, I switched off the sound abruptly without taking one look at the woman that was staring me straight in the side of my face, with a puzzled look as to why I did that. I sat back keeping my eyes looking straight ahead, the palms of my hands sweating and nearly having tears fill up my eyes and heard a whisper come from beside me that just said 'Oh.' Cristina placed her hand on mine to comfort me but I pulled mine away knowing that I would be a wreck if I interacted anymore with my emotions. The rest of the car journey was silent and if I had had the choice we would have just gone straight to the hospital but Cristina needed to pick the other guys up and take them to the hospital too. I hopped out of the car when we reached the house and stretched my legs. As I turned around to get back in the car, I stupidly looked at the driveway that led up to the door. I knew this was exactly why I shouldn't have come back because all these memories would unfold once again. I stay there mesmerised by our moments, reimagining each and every time I had felt Derek's hand in mine, walking me up to the front door before respectfully kissing me on the cheek and walking back  to his truck, like two teenagers in high school. I came back to reality as I followed Izzie, Alex and George back to the car. We caught up once again not mentioning Derek and arrived in the car park. 

'Ok Meredith, let me go in first just to check he isn't in the lobby, then we can go up to the conference room.' Cristina told me and left me in the car with George so I wouldn't be on my own. 

'You nervous?' George asked me, grabbing my hand as he could see me twiddling my thumbs and replying to him.

'George, I'm in love with the man. I'm shitting it.'

Cristina came back and told me that the chief had said that Derek was in the canteen being well occupied.

I got to the revolving doors at the entrance, took a deep breathe of the crisp, familiar Seattle air before stepping inside. I saw the back of someone's head filled with the most perfectly styled strands as if they had been individually placed to make the most attractive style. The shiny, but not greasy, tint to the black locks sat precisely in the bend of his neck. These manly, powerful, demanding hands slid around the back of his neck as if he were bored out of his mind at whoever was occupying his time. I watched in pure affection as he swivelled on his feet and I glimpsed at the prominent jawline coated by grey stubble before I met the bright blue, luring eyes that had never been erased from my memory. He was stood in the middle of a crowd but somehow we had found each other. Cristina was oblivious of our awareness of each others presence as she guided me to the elevator. Mine and his eyes never leaving one and other for a slight second until I was placed in the elevator and the door shut, breaking our contact and leaving me once again in the dark about his feelings. I remained glaring at the closed doors and I heard Cristina await my attention

'Meredith. What? What's wrong?'

'I saw Derek.'

I was in a state of shock and disbelief at the realisation I had seen his gorgeous face again. I had a new picture of him engraved in my mind forever and I was not letting go. 

The whole elevator ride and the whole time I was in the conference room, the entire time I was walking back to the elevator, the whole of the second elevator period, every second of my walk back to the car, I wanted to see his face again even if it was just a second of a sight. I had never wanted to see him again until I did. I missed him and his smell and his manner. I missed his politeness and his caring soul and most of all I missed his arms wrapped around me. I wanted to be in my safe place again. In his arms being hugged so tight, I could feel his heartbeat. I couldn't leave. I still had at least 3 hours before my flight back to Florida and I asked Cristina to take her car back home. I planned on staying in the hospital in a room where he wouldn't know I was but I wanted to be in our atmosphere again. To think about us and reminisce once more before I returned to hell. I had a choice to make.