Lesson Learned✔

12

Christian

Nydias words stuck. They dug into my skin and crawled up my mind. Spinning a thread around my already chaotic mind, bouncing the same thought over and over.

It was knee deep in my mind, dwelling over the fact that Aspen and I were very different. That difference was the reality of us, of the age gap that separated us.

Aspen was young. I was old. She was still learning, she was still feeling all these thoughts that she should have felt throughout her life. She would make mistakes, she would do things she regretted. But if she realized those mistakes, which she did. There was no use in being mad at her, only at myself.

Instead of hanging those mistakes over her head, I should have steered her to the right path. Talked it out with her, listen to her truth.

That was the whole truth that struck me days later after the first night, hours later after the shower. It gutted me, sliced open my skin for making her cry. Those tear stained eyes didn't belong unless they were happy tears.

There was no doubt about my love for Aspen. I knew deep in my bones, deep in the old soul of mine that what I felt for Aspen was real. That as far stretched our age was, I loved her with a deep passion. With a sense that I would forgive her anything, good or bad as long as she told me she loved me. As long as she realized what she did.

Now the only doubt was in me, caused by me. Thinking over and over that if I pushed her far enough, she would leave me. And that idea sent a pang of rage in me, made me see red all over. It was selfish, wanting her. All of her.

But the more I thought about it, the more Nydias words crawled deeper in me. The idea of letting her go sounded better, not for me. But for her.

Aspen had been tethered to someone, or something all her life. For twelve years she had belonged to the church. For a few months she became her mother, then mine. Even if she loved me, even if she had given me everything.

When I said she was mine, it wasn't that I owned all of her. She was her own person, but those kisses were mine. The smiles were mine, everything good that came out of her was mine to keep. Mine to cherish, mine to feel. The mere thought of someone else taking what was mine...it was wrong. Aspen shouldn't have me.

She deserved young and new, deserved more than I could give her. But I was selfish. And as much as I wanted to push her away, I also wanted to tuck her in me and protect her.

I had seen the glistening of tears in Aspens eyes, seen the hope swell in them with every thrust. It wouldn't have been the first time I'd been rough with her, but it would be the first time I had left without a second glance. Without asking if she was okay.

Aspen deserved care and love. And I had given it all before, but now I was treating her poorly. I was taking away everything I had promised myself I'd give her and only because I was hurt.

I knew I was being an ass for doing this, but I just never thought she'd do that. And I wasn't saying this because of her past, but because honestly I thought I was enough.

But I wasn't. Her words had proven it. And I was partly to blame for it all, for the way I had allowed her to feel less than she was worth. For giving her spare minutes I had, for pushing back what she wanted.

I had treated her like she was nothing. And I knew she was everything, to me.

Aspen had told me what happened, told me she loved me. Told me she would do anything, and I believed her. I knew Aspen hadn't been thinking when she kissed him, knew that the alcohol in her system had a part in it. Dwelled on me that I had fault to, because even if I had been trying. The past days wouldn't have erased many lonely nights.