Lesson Learned✔

11

Aspen

It was like talking to a wall, listening but not answering. And I knew it was all my fault having this reaction, to have Chris looking down at me with such indifference that made me choke of tears.

I was afraid of anything that would come out of him, but ready for his lash of words. I had explained myself to him, being honest with him. I didn't make up excuses for my actions because in the end it was done. But I did clarify them, my own thoughts finally making sense.

My words had flown easily, telling him everything. How I had left him with an aching feeling in my stomach, how I could still feel the loneliness and apprehension of it all happening again. How even if he was trying, I was on edge. Thinking about the same thing happening over and over, how he could leave me. How he could forget me, showing interest only when he had time.

To him it might have been nothing, but to me it was anguish. To be left and only cared for in spare time.

Elijah had been nothing more than a mistake, a fool's mistake on my part. The kiss was the result of being looked down with such adoration and affection, to have been noticed and cared for. A lingering fear of Chris forgetting me. And then there was the mix of alcohol, of drinking and confusing it all.

My first kiss with Chris had been a sloppy drunken kiss. In a way, the kiss with Elijah had reminded me of that. Of how Chris had taken a kiss I had wanted to savor for years, to think fondly of. But thinking now, I could only remember the bitter taste of alcohol and drowsy images.

Now I sat across from him, waiting for his response. For anything. "I feel nothing for him."

Still nothing. "It was just a kiss. Small, insignificant kiss that I regret. And you did the same, you said you felt nothing. I felt nothing either," I added.

There was a flash in his eyes, his jaw tightening. I expected him to say something, but still nothing. "We're even."

Please say something. Listen to me, trust me again. I swear I love you.

"No we're not," he said finally flatly.

My face fell, did he not believe me? That it was just a kiss? Did he not do the same? Did he think more? Did he not see a kiss for a kiss was enough of justice? "What do you mean?"

Grey eyes snapped to mine, swallowing me whole as he answered. "I lied to you."

A rip in my heart, a weight lifted off but not. The moment he'd said that I had been in agony at the sheer thought of him and another woman. Images of many nights ago flashing through my head, of the day I saw him with a woman.

God I didn't want to think about it. But I had. I could almost see it, Chris holding her to him. Their faces pressed together, of different hands running across his back. touching what was mine, it had sickened me. But now, I was lost. If he hadn't kissed anyone, it made us less than even. Not that I wanted to be even, I didn't even want to think about him and someone else.

"Do you really think I could have kissed someone else that wasn't you?" His voice was deadly low, pain etched in it. "I wanted to hurt you. Hurt you the same way you are hurting me. For kissing him. I gave you everything I had, gave you my heart. And you took it, you told me to trust you. And I did, yet... I'm disappointed in you."