Lesson Learned✔

16

Aspen

I couldn't sleep.

Every word that was said to me, came back. Picking and cleaving into my mind, wrapping and knotting my already muddled thoughts.

I couldn't even enjoy the fact that I was pregnant. Couldn't even feel an ounce of joy knowing that inside of me was a living being. That I would be a mother.

All I could feel was the unease, the worry that picked at my skin. I couldn't even think straight, not with her smug voice a chant over and over inside my head. I hated it, hated that with every passing second what she said could be real. That Chris didn't want kids.

There was a truth in her words. Chris was over forty, one marriage and childless. He had been with countless women, that was no secret. But never a child? Did he not want them? Did he even want to settle and start a family?

Don't let her get in your head. Oh but she was in my head already. She was rattling over and over how he didn't want kids. But it couldn't be true, he did, right?

I knew him. She didn't, even if they were friends or colleagues. Nydia knew the old him, I knew this one... I think.

It couldn't be that he didn't want them, it was that I was young. Right? That's what he had said, that I was just young to be a mother. That I had years to be one, that I should first

It wasn't that he didn't want them but that I was too young. That's what he had told me too many times, that I was young. That I still had years to get pregnant, that I should enjoy life the years I had before bringing a kid to the world.

Still I could still remember the first time, how Chris had pushed me to take the pill. How he had thought solely of himself, how he had told me he wouldn't take care of it. Would it be the same game? Would we start yelling at each other, shooting insults for a kid that was still unborn?

I was aware he had apologized after the Theo incident, that it was wrong the way he acted. His response to that situation had been wrong, right but wrongly worded. But he had said he was happy about me taking it, not because he didn't want kids. But because I was young, right?

Everything felt too fresh, pressing down on me. I could see Nydia smirk as Chris left me, I could see the glow of Elijah's face as I walked away. I could see the disappointment in Chris's eyes, it all became too real.

How could I tell him? Tell him that I was stupid and reckless, that I had forgotten to take the pill for several weeks. That all those times we had sex, the pill had no effect because there was no pill. That what Nydia said was true, I was a kid. A stupid one.

The years of being shielded were gone, I was an adult. I had to make real life decisions, and had to think not only about myself but the baby.

All those thoughts filled my head into the morning. Thinking if I should even keep the baby, which was outrageous because I knew I would. That even if Chris didn't want it, I'd walk away from him and raise this kid by myself.

I did want it, God I did. But Chris? Did he want a kid? Would he accept it? Love it as much or even more than he loves me? God did he even love me? Was I enough? Was I just a pastime? It felt as if the past weeks just drained away, Chris's reassurance was gone. I didn't know anything anymore.

I knew I needed to tell him, be an adult about the situation. I couldn't hide it from him, but I was scared. Scared that if I did, he'd leave me. Scared that I'd have to deal with this alone. I had no idea how he'd react to the news, if he'd be bouncing with joy or controlling his anger.

I just hoped that I didn't have to walk away from him.

Chris

I slipped into bed, the sweet smell of Aspen luring me closer to her. Wrapping me and easing the aching in my bones, knowing that she was with me.